A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for 15 months. I am 8 and a half months pregnant with his baby. We are both young (i am 16 and hes 22) and He has told me, not just told me but promised me and looked me in the eye and said "babe i dont need porn because i love you, i promise i dont watch it or look at it because i love you." I don't like the fact he would look at it, but it hurts me that I've found some today and its pretty disgusting stuff (girls younger than me and bum sex) What has me crying is the fact that he bare faced lied to me and this makes me question what else does he lie about? I feel he has just flushed our trusting relationship down the toilet and I can't picture myself kissing him let alone getting intimate with him ever again without feeling like i am going to be sick. I couldn't get with a liar, who knows if hes a cheater as well? I can't stand the fact he has betrayed the trust i had in him. I thought he loved me, how could he? I find myself getting more and more angry, I ripped the porn up and its scattered all over the floor so good luck in him getting off on that in the future. It makes me sick, how much of his sh*t do i put up with before i take our innocent baby and just leave him to his SICK FANTASIES AND LIES.
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male
reader, free_mind  +, writes (22 July 2009):
Fact: men like Porn. They like real girls (a multitude of them) even more. You should be glad that he settles for porn only.
Now take this from an honest guy. I am honest and upfront about what I like and what I do. What is the result? I get shunned by girls, girls rarely want to have a relationship with me.
All the dishonest guys get girlfriends, often several of them at the same time. The honest guys don't get anything. Even the rare faithful guy: if he admits he would love to get into your best friend's pants (even though he would not do it), you would probably drop him. For a thought crime.
Now to find a guy who is not even attracted to anyone else, he is gay or near his grave.
Summary: I understand you hate lies. But are you ready to accept a man that is honest and admits to how he really feels? That he is turned on by every attractive girl that cruises his path? That is a given. The only question is if he actually acts on his attraction and goes after other girls or if he only feels the attraction and stops there.
Now on top of this all, do you want to be a single mother because of some porn issue? drop a responsible loving guy who would take care of his kids, because you found out he is a man who has his hormones and gets off on watching porn? So is every man under 90 years of age.
About the underage issue:
if that is true, you should warn him to be careful and stick to legal porn. Do you really want him in jail for 10 years? Personally I think the child porn issue is way overblown and nobody deserves 20 years in jail for looking at some pics. But in your case, the man you have a child from? what do you stand to win from that?
I think women need to learn to overcome their evolutionary heritage of jealousy, that stems from times when there was no porn, no birth control, no condoms ....
Learn to accept a man how he really is, and then try to form a trusting relationship. Then you either accept all the truth (that he is turned on to thousands of girls and millions of photos), or just institute a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Men are easily turned on. That disturbs you? so either you change and learn to accept men, or you just get into an agreement that you don't want to know and you agree he hides it from you.
A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (15 July 2009):
Firstly, porn is a big deal to some Women and me being one. Porn makes a lot of partners feel betrayed and that their partner is being unfaithful which I agree with. Then there is the lying and hiding which breaks even more trust. This in itself is bad enough yet when I read people saying "why is it such a big deal to you" is more abuse shoved on top of the already abusive situation you find yourself in. It seems weird that the partner having issues with porn viewing by their partner is referred to as making a big deal out of it, when in actual fact it is a bigger deal to the porn watcher who hides it, lies about it, goes to the extent of breaking trust in their relationship, hurts their partner and creates such uncertainty for the relationship to continue. If a partner continues to watch porn after all of this, they are just insensitive and narcissistic because they have no empathy or concern. Porn watching is a sexual addiction and like all addictions has cycles, gets worse and is a way to deal with the emptiness in their life. If you do a search on sexual addiction you will find much information about it and the destruction it creates.The good thing about educating yourself on sexual addiction is that it is no reflection on his feelings for you. He would do this no matter who he was with and the underlying problem is that he has low self esteem. This can ease your mind because you or anything you have done is not responsible for his behaviour.In regards to your relationship, you are the only one who can decide whether it's worth it. I, myself would prefer a relationship where I get treated with respect and with someone that has no secrets and hides things. Any secretive behaviour is the hallmark for addiction because deep inside their behaviour is hidden because they are ashamed of themselves and their inability to stop. I wish you all the best, you deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved the way you desire to be and with someone who cares about your feelings.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 July 2009):
 Ok well what he is looking at is so wrong and really he should be reported for looking at child pornography, it is a crime to look at children in a sexual way. If you want to report him to the police then that is your choice, I know it will be difficult but it is down to you to do the right thing. Although now you have ripped it up there is no evidence!
With regards to him looking at porn, yes he shouldnt of lied to you but why is porn such a big deal to you? Men are very sexual creatures and looking at porn is just something the majority of men do. They dont use it for any other reason than to get turned on and achieve an orgasm! It doesnt mean he doesnt love you, it just means that from time to time he likes to look at porn!
But you are right about the trust part, he shouldnt have lied to your face like that. If you feel you cant trust him then you have to make the choice - do you stay with him, forgive him for this and hope he is honest with you in the future? Or do you leave him over this and just let him see his child?
In my opinion what he was looking at was the crime purely because it sounds like it was child pornography. I would be worried if I were you over the safety of your own child when it is born, there is a chance here that he could sexually abuse your child. But that is only a small chance - there is a big difference between looking at pornography and then acting upon those desires with your own child.
He will have lied to you because he knows how much you dislike porn - if you ask most men they will probably say that they dont let their girlfriends know that they watch/look at porn because they know that women hate porn! I am 100% certain that my ex boyfriends looked at porn, I just never knew about it. It doesnt bother me at all, it is just something all men do and it is easier to accept it than fight about it.
So what I am trying to say is that he only lied to sort of protect you - he obviously knew you wouldnt approve therefore to save a fight he decided not to tell you thinking "what she doesnt know cant hurt her". So in essence he didnt want to hurt you hence the lies.
I guess it is up to you what you do next, you are incredibly young to be pregnant and alone so you need to think carefully about what you do next. Maybe you can forgive him this time but if you ever find that he has lied to you again then you need to end it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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