A
female
age
30-35,
*iscellaneousG
writes:Please help...After two weeks after having taken my virginity, he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend (he had broken up with her 4 years ago) whom he had cheated on when he was drunk with a one-night-stand. I haven't spoken to him for two weeks since I found out he had officially begun a relationship with her. I feel like such a fool. Worst of all, we had sex the day before their anniversary date and 3 days after their anniversary date...the entire time, I had no idea. We had sex without any protection, and it was all based on the rhythmic method. My period cycles kind of vary 29-30 days long. We has sex on day 15 and 19 of my cycle, but he didn't ejaculate and it was only for about a minute at most. Before that, I believe we had sex on day 12 (where he did ejaculate)--that's the time that's really worrying me because I read that sperm can last for over 3-5 days in the uterus...meaning it could have bound to my egg during ovulation. As of now, I'm on day 35 and have not had my period. I can't remember having ever gone so long without a period; is it possible that having begun sex changed my hormonal levels, which changed my period cycle...thus, I am not necessarily pregnant?I'm very frightened because I know he doesn't want to be with me, and I know even more that he wouldn't want to keep the child. I truly hope I am not pregnant, but if I am, I will have to deal with this situation in a way that will benefit us all. It'll be unfair to the baby to take away its life because of our poor actions. I don't know what I should do now--if I choose to keep the baby, how am I going to hide it from my parents? If I am going to have the abortion, should I tell him? I swore to myself I would get over him and not talk to him until after summer ends--this is because I still have deep feelings for him, and it hasn't been long since he hurt me. The problem is...it is wrong to kill his 1st child (unless he lied about that too) without letting him know or even allowing him to be part of it?Despite what he says, his actions and lies have shown that he does not care about me, which puts me in a more difficult situation. I can't let anyone know about this--I come from a very traditional Asian and catholic family that condemns premarital sex and beyond that abortion. If I tell him, I run the risk of having someone spread the news of me not only losing my virginity but also having been impregnated and gotten an abortion. I'm in such a tough situation right now where I can't talk to anyone, but you people...please help me.
View related questions:
abortion, anniversary, cheated on me, drunk, ejaculate, ex girlfriend, his ex, period, sperm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, KeighleySky  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Aw sweety xxxx You need to tell your parents, if need be dont tell them you had sex before but he needs to be punished for this. Tell your parents and they should call the police. You need to take action on this. As for hitting your stomach you cannot blame the child in your womb. If you get an abortion that is your decision but do not otherwise harm yourself.
Please honey take action, he needs to be put away for this. Rape is a criminal offence and he needs tpo be punished for it. Damn honey take action and tell the police, now!!
Sweety please dont do anything stupid and you know that this is none of your fault there are just some extreme low lifes in this world and beleive me he WILL go to hell for this.
A
female
reader, MiscellaneousG +, writes (8 June 2010):
MiscellaneousG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOn Sunday, I was feeling very upset with finals coming up. I couldn't study, so I went to the beach, and I saw him. I ran up to him and asked him why he wasn't answering my call/texts. I called him a bastard or leaving me alone like this. This led to him raping me in my car. He tore my clothes and told me from the start, he only wanted to try me out. He never cared about me, and he doesn't care what happens to me.He left after he was done. I was in shock, and I hit my stomach for a while...hoping my pregnancy could just die. I hate him so much. I don't want any part of him to ever stain my life. I don't want to raise his child--it can be the devil just like him. I'm going to get an abortion and pretend none of this ever happened. This will be my escape.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 I feel for you and I am very sorry that you have to go through all this mess.
Getting the confirmation is the first step .When you see that bridge,then you can decide what to do after that.
You will be bombarded with many negative thoughts and the best thing is to ignore those negative thoughts and stay positive always .
Don't torture yourself mentally and emotionally because whatever will happen , will happen and you need to accept the reality.
Everything happens for a reason .Do not panic but stay calm and in control. Have faith and hope in God that He will lead you through this problem.
Don't look at those high waves but to focus your sight on God only.
Life is full of challenges and you take them one at a time.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 I am afraid you have not accomplished much by telling him the news, I don't think you'll get any practical help or moral support by such a coward. Anyway,now you feel relieved and this is good.
Don't focus on punish him or giving him a hard time. Focus on yourself. On your exams ,first of all, and then on your peace of mind so that you can meke the best possible choice.
Good luck again .
...............................
A
female
reader, MiscellaneousG +, writes (2 June 2010):
MiscellaneousG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just told my ex that I'm pregnant...to be exactly, I said, "What if I AM pregnant, bastard?!" ...and here is how it went.
This was all over the phone, and it started off with me trying to decide if I should tell him.
I first asked him, "Have you told anyone about us?"
He quickly answers, "No."
I said, "Have you told Krissie?"
He said, "Maybe..."
I sternly said, "Truthfully."
He answers, "Yes. Krissie won't tell anyone"
I state, "Doesn't matter if you think Krissie won't tell anyone; I trusted that you wouldn't tell anyone. I need to know exactly what you've told her."
His response was that he "might" have hinted it to her that we were going out and that we had sex. He wouldn't give me a definite answer--I have no idea how much he's told. With that in mind, I was confirmed that I can't trust him to not tell anyone about me being pregnant. Then I was stalling on the phone for a while, and he was rushing to get off the phone and saying, "this isn't how I like to start off my day." and that just got me so mad. "I told him, this is IMPORTANT! More important than what you're going to do--it is going to determine the rest of my life! I should tell you something, but I don't know I can't trust you with even this secret." I can tell he knows what I'm hinting at, and he says, "Then don't tell me." I state, "It's part of your responsibility too! It's not all mine! You've gotten a really, easy way out of this. You cheated on me, you cheated on Krissie--You know we were in a relationship when you decided to get with her. You realize we had sex the day before your anniversary with her and the Monday after!?!" He sighs. Then I ask him again, "What have you told her specifically about me and us?" He just mumbles that he hinted that we were going out and that we had sex and says he doesn't know. It drove me mad that even now he's not being honest with me--he won't tell me everything, he knows EXACTLY what he told her, but he won't tell me. That got me so mad!!!!!!!! AHHH! I yelped, "Well, what if I tell you maybe I'm pregnant?! Maybe I'm not?! Well, I am pregnant, bastard!" Then I hung up the phone. It felt really nice afterwards to have finally told him, but now after writing this, I feel a little worried. I'm pretty sure he won't tell anyone except maybe Krissie...even that's a big maybe.
I don't know if I should even bother calling him again--he already knows what's going through my mind now, and it's obvious he wants no part of it...even though he should morally have some responsibilities to it. I don't think I should call him back--he has my number, and he knows what's up...if he wants to be part of it, he will call. If not, then he won't. The thing with him is that it's easy for him to get over things because he can detach himself from almost anything. I don't know if I should make him part of this or not--I mean, it'll make the situation more difficult, but at the same time, it'll be somewhat of a punishment for him. He truly has gotten off so easily with me--I've been so nice about this entire situation.
I feel much more relieved now--like I'm not completely alone. At the same time, now I'm really afraid because this is becoming more of a reality that I have to deal with, especially at such bad timing.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 June 2010):
Miscellanoeos G, first of all- make a big,brave effort and try not to panic. What you are going through is bad- but it's not THAT bad- " Easy for you to say " you can tell me " it's not you having to go through all that " Yes I know, but my point is - these things happen every day to thousands of girls, and ,while it's no comfort to you,- you don't have to feel like you are such a failure, or a misfit. People make mistakes. People choose the wrong partners. People have abortions, or give birth to unplanned babies.It's not the end of the world and it won't be the end of your world.
First things first, like the other aunts say. Go at once to get your pregnancy test. Disregards the symptoms because they may be totally unrelated to pregnancy, if you were pregnant you'd be not even 5 weeks, and you get the first
noticeable symptoms after the 6th week.
Whatever the result- go do your finals. That's the most important thing,baby or not.
Again, in my personal opinion, do not involve your ex,don't tell him anything, it sounds like he'd give you more aggravation than support.
For the rest, you still have time to make a plan and evaluate your options.
If you want to PM me, you are welcome. I can't solve your problem but maybe writing to somebody may remind you that you are NOT alone.
Love and light.
...............................
A
female
reader, MiscellaneousG +, writes (2 June 2010):
MiscellaneousG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRegarding symptoms, I recall experiencing brownish mucus excretions, but assumed they were from having sex. Today, I woke up with a lot of nausea. My fundal region is also very sensitive right now.
Next week, I have finals, and this entire situation is definitely acting as a distraction away from my studies and quality of life. As a pre-med student, I can't afford to have my grades drop; I want to take one day at a time, but I know something's wrong--I can feel my body changing.
Spiritually, I am being eaten up by this regret and fear. I'm so afraid and lonely right now--and I honestly don't want to go to church. I've found myself wondering if I should leave after the administration of the Eucharist instead of the announcement, and I have also found myself in tears at night and after I see my ex-boyfriend. He was the first boyfriend I've ever had, and I gave him everything--just to have him change his mind with no more than "I like you in a different way than you like me." He takes pride in living by the phrase: "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried" and I know he's doing that with me. Everything was going fine until he realized he still had a chance with his ex. He's made his decisions, and it was to take his chance with her.
I am still very hurt about it, and I still miss and care about him so much, but I will never be with him.
The reason I can't tell my parents is because my sister is currently going through this right now at age 26 (turning 27 next month). She has gotten kicked out, and her boyfriend loves her, but they get into too many argument for him to be willing to marry her before the baby comes out. My dad pressured her to get an abortion, while my mother pushed her to keep the baby. My sisters and brothers tell her to made the decision herself. She has decided to keep the baby girl and is currently 4 months pregnant. Her boyfriend is with her in going to see the ultrasounds and to do the check ups. He loves her and says he will marry her if things between them resolve and they learn to be more compatible. My sister has experienced a lot of pain and distress because of this situation--but even hers came at a better time than mine.
To know that two of my father's loved daughters have fallen pregnant--the oldest of his girls and the youngest, will drive him more into depression. He is currently fighting lunch disease and hepatitis B right now while trying to raise our family of 9.
I think this has come at the worst situation possible, and I've made it worse. I want to run away, but how? I checked an estimated date of delivery calendar online and it shows that the baby will most likely come out around 02/02-04/2011. How can I hide it for that long and then give him/her up for adoption? I know this will adversely affect my future goals and hurt my family a lot of I were to turn away. I know it'll be tough to keep this baby and then deliver it secretly. Should I try?
Part of me wants to go to Planned Parenthood and simply request the RU pill; I want to think to myself and say...I made a mistake, God forgives me. I know life will be much easier for everyone who's living right now if I do. The thing that's eating my conscious right now is that I'm depriving my first and only child of life when I willingly and knowing the chances, took part in making her/him. I am hurting right now wondering how life would be if I were to keep her/him, and how it would haunt me if I were to abort her/him. Will I wonder how life would be if I had kept her? Would I be content with my decision? Am I capable of making such a decision at such a stressful and hormone affected condition?
Please help me--I am so alone and I truly cannot tell anyone about this right now except mmy ex--but even him...I fear. I don't want to lose the respect that I was able to keep after his cheating. I walked away perfect--I did nothing wrong, I always cared for him, and he'd have to live with knowing what he did to me. If I were to tell him I'm pregnant, I run the risk of him telling people and lose his respect. I know if I told him, we'd end up getting an abortion--the only difference is it'll be a less lonely route because at least someone will be there in the waiting room as I am taking the pills. I know he won't marry me because I am pregnant--he's not like my sister's boyfriend. My ex lies a lot although I know he's a good person at heart, his deepest problem is that he's selfish and self-centered. He will only look out for his benefit. Making this decision requires me to figure out what works out best for him in order to know what he would decide.
Any advise would help--anything at all. You truly are the only one I am going to about my situation, and I have never felt more alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 June 2010):
Pray to God and talk to him. Confess your sins before Him and ask for His forgiveness.
Cast all your burdens unto Him and pray that he will lead you to the right path.
Do not think too much . Take one problem at a time . Ascertain if you are pregnant first. It may take up to day 14th to get the right results or until your period comes.
The other problems can wait and you need not worry about them yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 June 2010):
Yes,unluckily if you had sex on the 12th day of a 29-30 days cycle, that means that you ovulate on day 14th or 15th so there is the possibility you are pregnant. Take immediately a pregancy test and if it comes out negative repeat it after a few more days to make sure it was not a false negative due to your levels of HCG being still to low for being detected.
If you are pregnant... I know that my advice is not politically correct and probably other people may feel differently, but I'd say- don't tell him anything. He does not care and he has shown it. It was a mistake- live and learn. It's true that this unborn baby also belongs to him and in theory he should have his say about the situation...
I still go by the old feminist rule : my body,my choice.
As for what to do, that's your personal choice , and it's between you and your conscience,or you and your God if you are religious. I just would like to point out that if you do not want to have an abortion, and you cannot raise a child on your own, you may consider putting him or her up for adoption.
In this case too, you would have to tell your parents- don't be overly concerned about that. They may be angry or disappointed at first- but hey they are your parents. They know you, they love you, they don't expect you to be perfect. These things happen all the time- they'll get over it.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, KeighleySky +, writes (2 June 2010):
Oh honey, my heart goes out to you. About the part where he deserves to know about his first child, no he doesn't. For all you know sweety he might have gotten another girl pregnant. If you think it is right then tell him, but i dont think anything good will come of it. Personally i dont believe in religion, or waiting till marriage to have sex but i respect every religion. You need to talk to someone, a friend anyone. Also i have a question, if your family doesnt believe in sex before marriage why did you have sex with him, im thinking maybe he might of told you he loved you. You haven't mentioned anything. I suggest you think over the benefits of having this baby if you are pregnant and to make sure you need to get a pregnancy test. Then think of the cons of having this child.
Please get back to me :) xxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): First things first - you need to find out if you are actually pregnant? You can buy a kit, discreetly, from the pharmacist in an area where you are not known, which can tell you from quite an early point after your period was due whether you are pregnant or not. Please do investigate this first before your fears run away with you. However, it is also important to consider how this situation has made you feel towards your (ex) boyfriend and the actions around your relationship - which has clearly been very distressing. Sometimes such fears can bring clarity for the future. Take one step at a time and seek support based on what your test result is. It could be that the stress has delayed your period.
...............................
|
