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Dazzerg
writes:As some people reading this will already know, I moderate and write regularly on this site. Porn is one those issues that is often cited as a problem and also causes a fair amount or moral controversy. On the one hand are the people whose relationships fall victim to pornography and/or pornography addiction and those who oppose it in general; on the other are those who use it either within a relationship, while being single or with a partner, and who view it as essentially harmless. ContextPorn is not pure fantasy. Lord of the Rings is a fantasy book because Elves, Hobbits and Dwarfs don’t actually exist in real life – they and the story wove around them may reflect aspects of actually existing human life and culture but they certainly do not shape it except maybe in the games and imaginations of children and adults. Porn is a direct stimulus to sexual excitement so the relationship between the mental and the actual is inverted. Of course, it is possible that it is used as a safety valve – an acceptable way for the user to live or enact a deeply held fantasy that they find somehow unacceptable. Maybe on the other hand, it is the simple act of voyeurism that the user finds arousing –watching others do what they can’t or would wish to do. So far then porn is a bit like a sex toy. However, there is a darker side – maybe the purveyor of porn is dissatisfied with their current partner and viewing pornography is their way to escape and maybe even a precursor to a real life affair. Other moral considerations about the degradation of women in general (although it’s worth noting that there are all kinds of porn but few people ever concern themselves with the degradation of men) aside then the role that porn plays in a relationship is very much a question of context. Porn CheatsIs watching porn cheating in and of itself? It has to be said I am not a huge fan of ‘thought crime’ in general. Within a relationship everybody is allowed personal space but if one partner’s behaviour impacts on the feelings or well-being of the other then it becomes an issue for the entire relationship. Porn and it’s viewing is not like sucking your thumb in secret; the consequences of you watching it are potentially devastating for your partners self-esteem. It thus follows that it is something you should, morally, discuss with them seeing as they are your partner and deserve consideration of their feelings. If you are keeping something from your partner that affects them, no matter what it is, you should not be surprised that if they find out they feel there trust has been betrayed. Furthermore, porn addiction often leads to a literal betrayal of trust with people lying to conceal their ‘habit’. It is worth noting that porn addiction, like any addiction, can and frequently does indicate deep-seated emotional issues (an inability/fear of real life commitment or a feeling of sexual inadequacy, for example). Often porn is used by people looking to explore a hidden side of their sexuality (for example, straight people watching gay porn) and here again we have something that in all honesty your partner is entitled to know about. Again it’s worth repeating that entering a relationship doesn’t mean you abrogate a life to a private life but it does mean you are bound to consider the feelings of others, more specifically those of your partner. If you have made a commitment to that person then you are agreeing that sexual experimentation should be within the confines of your relationship with that person (although that doesn’t rule out a consensual threesome, of course). So, in conclusion, what we have is something that you should discuss with your partner to avoid complications later. Although this is unlikely it is something that ideally be discussed in the early/formative stage of the relationship (although after sex). Social stigma around the watching of porn makes it a difficult topic to broach but when you think about the potential consequences for your relationship then surely they are worth one moments awkwardness? Net PornThere can be little doubt that the internet, by very virtue of what it is, makes porn more readily available. If something is more readily available then it must naturally follow that the temptation to access it is greater?? In short the answer is, of course, yes. However, the notion that this necessarily creates problems where there are none does not necessarily follow from that conclusion. For example, the reverse could plausibly be argued. If one partner was not being sexually satisfied in a relationship and they had no access to porn then the likelihood is they would be tempted into infidelity. The problem of a lack of sexual satisfaction in the relationship would remain in real life just how it came to the surface would be different (and arguably more damaging). Inverting the relationship between our mental and physical universe is something that humans do a lot (mainly because they live in such close proximity). Somebody’s sex drive and sexual expectations come down to an interaction of a numerous factors and are rarely simply ‘created’ by over-exposure to porn. In other words, the urge had to be there in some form for people to have the desire to satisfy it in the first place. Head-onIf you catch your partner using porn then what should you do?• Confront them head-on with your feelings. They need to know to know the impact of their actions on you; give them space to explain theirs and try to show an understanding of their point of view but insist upon them acknowledging your feelings.• Through this dialogue you need to establish what, if any, needs they feel are not being met in the relationship and discuss how you will tackle that as partners;• Remember that you have a right to expect your partners respect and insist upon that. If they cannot respect you then that the issue is with them not with you although that will naturally be hard to accept. • If your partner is addicted then they need your support and encouragement to break that addiction, just as they would if they were addicted to anything else. An addiction presupposes a gentler approach than that to a casual user.
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male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Great article.
I like the fact that it's overall neutral.
I do feel that it's important to let know your partner that you like watching porn early in the relationship.
It shows trust, comfort and removed the hassle of having to explain if it's ever found out later on.
That comes from someone who likes porn of course.
Your article helped me learn a bit more about the repercussion that porn can have in a relationship.
Thank you.
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male
reader, ix69bj +, writes (8 March 2008):
I did read an article recently that claimed that as many women as men watched porn on the adult TV channels at a certain London hotel.
That aside, I would agree that it is men who are the main consumers of porn - and I am one of them.
In my case this is definitely because my current marriage is almost sex less (and when it does occur it is devoid of any real satisfaction).
Having experience marvellous sex with my previous wife, I am well aware of the feelings that should be created within my body and therefore I am forced to use porn to help me create some of those feelings.
Certainly I am well aware that porn is not the complete answer; however I do find that I am able to 'float' in those feelings for some time (if I have managed to find the right material) before I finally reach my climax.
Of course it is not as good as the REAL thing but it helps to substitute for the very little that I get at the moment.
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reader, webster13  +, writes (2 March 2008):
 My husband looks at porn too, always had. When I met him, he already had an extensive amount of porn. I use to think it was pretty kinky and fun..you know, we would both watch it and get excited, etc. Really though, I hate to admit it..it isn't good for the whole relationship thing. Women are made to be just objects. You can look up short hair, red headed, lesbian, gay, what the ever kind of love scene on the computer and reality can NEVER stand up to that. No matter how much I try, I can't be all those different women , etc. All I want is for something as simple as my husband to caress me and make love to me..the way that people who don't watch porn on a continuous bases do. Porn takes the beauty out of sex. I know that sounds so woman like, but its true. A woman can't feel that great about herself when her husband has to jack off to porn at least twice a week, but can't touch her even once. Even when he does, its like he is just fucking away..no build up, no enjoyment for me. Sorry..just letting it out. My mindset on the issue has been as long as I feel satisfied. However, lately I feel like my needs aren't being met and I can't help but blame the porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): porn isnt the end of the world, lets face it, men and women are very different. women get turned on by what they hear, and men get turned on by what they see. and can you blame them.? the female body is a powerful beautiful turn on, to see it in a pornographic context is very arousing to a man..i myself find that past boyfriends who have had a look at it every now and then arent ruled by it, or dont see it as something better than me, it is fantasy, they are just being boys!!!however i would be alarmed to walk into a library of wall to wall porn in a mans house as it would indicate a fixation, like an excess or a kind of addiction, but porn can be inspiring! there is some lovely art-house porn out there, where the actors are shot in a more aesthetic light mostly by european or italian directors outdoors, or recreated art images are shot using willing amateurs. for me i know i like to turn on my man with some beautiful black classy underwear, some lit candles and scented oils, i also look at a lot of burlesque dancers on the internet, as they are so beautiful, vicky butterfly is amazing and i long to be able to strip like they can as it can make a woman feel beautful, sexy and captivating to her man! so instead of fighting it or being too judgemental on behalf of all women and men, gay or straight or whatever...(i only go mental when i hear of animals being used in porn and stamped on in a new craze called "crushing" as this is pure base cruelty, animals are innocent)lets look at our own relationships, how you would like to make your man feel special, or have him make you feel special, how to enjoy letting go and being sexy!!let the rest of the world do as it will!!!
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reader, Chemer +, writes (26 February 2008):
 I would say that Porn can cause a problem if it takes over from being intimate with your partner. One of the biggest problems is addiction to the Internet. So many marriages and relationships have failed due to the partner getting addicted and going on the web cam with other people all over the world. Porn is one thing. But when the partner actively shows themselves to others on the web cam and even talks intimately whilst ignoring their real life partner, then that is not on.Steve
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Let's get together and toke one on that, Angel. Just kidding, but you are sweet. DoubleM
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reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (26 February 2008):
 I know a bunch of potheads and they live normally. They seem even more healthy than those people who choose to not smoke pot.
I cede to you the porn argument...
Lol
I know when I'm in the wrong.
=)
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (26 February 2008):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the question How can drugs not affect the people around you, unless you live in a bubble?? You are actually making a stronger case for porn being cheating saying it is about seduction and the 'pleasures of sex'. I appreciate that you enjoy this with your partner and that is good, each to their own as was said, but there are people for whom porn is not so pleasurably and when taking a general position you have to consider them too.
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reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (26 February 2008):
I said that drugs are ok if they don't affect the people around you.
Porn isn't all about sex...It's about the pleasure and sensations. Plain sex is different from seeing pleasure and such. There is a difference, however slight it might be. Porn is also telling a story but its one of seduction.
XoXo
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (26 February 2008):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya Angel :),
Ok...but the sex is part of a narrative which is not about sex per se...thus it is not the point of the movie to sexually stimulate you, it is telling a stroy which sex is a part of where as of course with porn sex is the whole point.
My second point boils down to saying that if somebody is going to reject somebody for using porn then keeping it a secret wont help because it will come out at some stage.
Drug use is a private matter?? So...narcotics dont alter moods and behaviour anymore?? Narctoics dont make people potentially violent and at least volitile?? They dont have a serious financial and emotional drain on the person using them and consequentially all around them?? Porn doesnt affect peoples self-esteem your partners self-esteem?? You are taking individual rights too far...at a point an individuals rights are superceded by the rights of others...that is the consequence of living and associating with other humans.
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (25 February 2008):
All interesting and thoughtful posts, in my opinion. It all boils down to - to each their own. And when married, I did occasionally rent tapes (way back before DVDs) and wifey was aware of it - did not bother her apparently, because we lasted for many years before financial troubles snuck in. However, I still believe a porn addiction could deaden one's normal sexual activities.
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reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (25 February 2008):
A sex scene in a movie is still trying to sexually stimulate you just like a horror movie's purpose is to shock you.
A drug habit is a private thing. If the drug habit doesn't effect anyone other than the drug user, I don't see a problem with it just like how a person watching porn is harmless if it doesn't affect the relationship or other people around them. Please clarify your second point. Thanks!
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (25 February 2008):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think I did come and say it was out and out cheating but it is worth making a couple of points in reply to Devilish Angel..
1) A sex scene in a movie is part of a wider story, to compare the two is to compare chalk and cheese. The whole point of porn is to sexually stimulate you, let's be honest there isnt much of a story.
2. If somebody rejects somebody because they watch porn then it is only a quicker way to the same conclusion when they invariably find out what goes on behind their back...except that is less likely in the first scenario where one partner is open and honest.
3. Yes to privacy but would you say the same if for example, the 'private thing' was a drug habit?? I doubt you would because some issues cross that line and because porn can potentially damage a partner, the right to privacy is superceded.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Interesting article but I agree with DoubleM in that it's far too complicated.
Watching porn is NOT cheating. It is pure fantasy. Of course I'm talking about normal porn and not weird stuff (although I'm not getting into a debate about what's normal in the porn industry - that's a whole book on it's own... Or possibly even an epic collection!)
In response to a question posted on here about this subject someone stated "i'm not sure where i read this, in some magazine probably, but there was a survey on this and 67% of the large sample of women viewed watching porn as cheating"
I found this surprising since according to an Oprah Winfrey Show 70% of men between the ages of 18-34 watch internet porn once a month. Most men do look/watch porn and I'm certain many do without their other half knowing. Of course there are times where you might get caught.
In simple terms 7 out of every 10 men look at/watch porn once a month. That's a lot. And if 7 women out of 10 deem this as cheating then it's no wonder divorce rates are higher than ever - the internet has made porn easily accessible... People who didn't have the guts to go into a shop and buy a magazine can now just search on the internet instead.
Interestingly, did you know porn is one of the major industries which actually embraces and pushes technology forward? It was the first industry to embrace photography, film, cinema, pay-per-view on TV, and even the pay-to-enter internet sites.
Also thinking about it, if it's not that common how come it's currently a £30 billion ($60 billion) industry globally?
Type "porn" into google and I guaranttee you won't find another word which isn't affiliated with sex that has as many results.
Anyway... Moving on from these thoughts and getting back to the discussion... It is obvious why single men watch porn, but with a man in a relationship it's different altogether; perhaps sex has become a dull routine? After the initial spark is gone, looking at porn can be a way to get excited and interested again.
When I occassionally look at porn (I am single) I have to say I'm not dreaming about the porn-star women. It is a pure fantasy. I wouldn't want a girlfriend that looks like a porn star/stripper at all and certainly wouldn't want a girlfriend who wants a threesome with the local plumber and milkman :)
I know the difference between the real thing and there is absolutely no comparrison between watching porn and sex in a loving relationship.
I have to say whilst I was with my girlfriend (we split up about 3 months ago) I never bothered with porn as we had an active sex life... Great sex too!
At the end of the day it can either spice up the relationship, or it can act as a replacement for needs that aren't being met.
For example, when my girlfriend was off on holiday for 11 days last year I must admit I did look at porn as my needs weren't being met. She wasn't best pleased when she returned and found out though and I'm sure if she'd have known about this site she would've asked for advice on what she should do.
I have also been asked by a mate to delete his internet history before his girlfriend returned from her holiday. Why is this? Again, while she was away his sexual needs weren't being met.
Would you rather we cheated with someone real rather than watch/look at some fantasy porn?
If your sex life is inadequate, and your partner is CONSTANTLY watching porn instead of paying attention to you, then this would suggest there is a bigger problem. This has nothing to do with the habit but more to do with the state of the relationship between the two people concerned.
CONSTANTLY is the key word there. So don't go thinking "oh my god, my man watched porn a week ago I mustn't be meeting his needs".
Of course we keep it a secret as we know our other half will feel inadequate and perhaps even insecure about it and if you love someone you don't want to make them feel like that. Some things are best left secret... It's not a big deal any more than us men having to lie when you ask us...
"does my bum look big in this?" or "do you think I'm getting fat?" or "do you think she is attractive?".
Even if the answer was YES we say NO because we love you and don't want to make you feel inadequate.
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reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (25 February 2008):
I agree that two members of a couple should be open with each other about porn. However, what if this one guy/girl tells his/her partner about their fascination/fetish/hobby of watching porn? What if the partner rejects the watcher of said subject because the watcher told the partner? What if everything would have gone on fine if the watcher had not been honest? How much damage could have been avoided if the watcher had kept quiet about their hobby?
I think that people are entitled to their privacy even if they are in a relationship. To me, porn is not cheating since I tell my boyfriend about it and we watch it as a couple. Its a couple activity. However, I think that if I watch it alone without my boyfriend's knowledge it's still not cheating.
Cheat to me is with an interactive person. Porn is just like watching a movie. When you see a sex scene in a movie, is that cheating? No. It's just a visual stimulus.
Yes, people use porn to explore their sexuality. Isn't that healthier than going out to do the actual thing and cheating in reality?
X
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (22 February 2008):
Way too complicated a post. My opinion? Pornography is here to stay, but it can certainly be addictive and screw people up to an extreme. If only used for occasional arousal, it is reasonably acceptable. When either men or women become obsessed with it, they may be losing touch with reality and tainting any opportunity for meaningful relationship possibilities.
It is free expression in the United States, and rightfully so, but too much of it is no way to fashion one's sex life, desires or expectations in the real world. Blow jobs are great, cunnilingus is wonderful for ladies, but which one of these prevail in pornography? The blowjobs, of course, because most who spend the money are men who fantasize of such pleasure. Well, then go out and find an exotic lady, give her abundant oral satisfaction, and enjoy the reward you are likely to receive. Works for me, and it is real - not an illusion.
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