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anonymous
writes: I’ve read countless posts about porn. Women saying porn is killing their self-image, ruining their relationships. Men replying that it just goes with the territory, get over it.By and large the women having a problem with porn are young (18-25). So the guys they’re having an issue with have always had access to internet porn. OK, maybe they’re genuinely messed up. Seriously, they’re seeing stuff that is out there, and it’s always been available to them. I’m not talking about that. I’m old. I’m talking to folk who came of age way back when, in the age of dinosaurs, like in the 1970s. So this article is directed at other dinosaurs, folk who are over 40. People who had their first exposure to porn as Playboy or Penthouse, or perhaps Penthouse Letters. People who have been married for over 20 years.It was good in the beginning, wasn’t it? She wanted to do everything for you. You warned her when you were close, and she didn’t care, she just swallowed. You were happy to go down whenever; if she didn’t want you to get your red wings, well, that was her call, you would have done it anyway.A few married years, and you tried out every room in the apartment. Sunday morning, bent over the coffee table. No one to see you, just enjoy.Even after the kids started – until they were of a certain age you could still do stuff. A handjob in the living room, hey what fun, and if you got caught, “oh Mommy was just helping a sore muscle”.As the kids got older, well, you wouldn’t want them to hear anything. Maybe when they go with the grandparents you can do it. But as they become teenagers, one of them is always home, one of them is always awake, so for God’s sake keep your hands to yourself.At first it was a couple of times a day. Then a couple of times a week. Now, with teenagers in the home, it’s what, every four, six, eight weeks apart?And it’s now 25+ years, so the highlight reel is getting a bit threadbare.The internet porn is, frankly, very helpful just now. I’ve been very tempted to visit a ‘rub and tug’, because I haven’t been kissed, hugged or loved for a very long time. And it’s still another half-dozen years until we can expect my youngest child to fly the nest. It’s coming up on 30 years since I’ve been naked with any new person. I continue to respect my vows, I haven’t gone to the massage parlor. But I’m not quite dead yet. Internet porn has helped me bank the fire. Without it, well ….
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female
reader, JenL  +, writes (3 September 2011):
 i don't think i have problem with porn as long as my boyfriend can differentiate it from reality. I hate guys who expect their girlfriends to do whatever actresses do in adult movies. To me that's simply impossible & unreasonable.Personally, i think some stuffs are ok & fun to do together, but some are just not. They need to realize that we aren't porn stars
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (20 August 2011):
 that's an interesting point olderthandirt. i think porn can be a damaging influence to some men, they compare themselves to the men they see in porn - this leaves them with insecurity about penis size and insecurity about their performance when they get with a woman. if she is not horny for him all the time, having orgasms with him EVERY TIME, screaming the house down and squirting everywhere just like a porn star he thinks he is doing something wrong! it gives them a false idea of what sex is like in the real world, especially when these young lads watch it - the porn is their sex education. not a good thing!
for some guys it does no harm, but others are more gullible and don't realise how fake it is. it reminds me of one time here on dear cupid, a guy asked 'how do men in porn last so long??' this young man did not realise about the editing techniques used in movies. he thought it was a case of start rolling the camera and have sex - switch camera off at the end.
i will share with you another point that was raised on this site too - women who watch romantic movies. these soppy films have given us women false ideals to try to attain. and can make us dissatisfied with men when they don't live up to our expectations. in much the same way as when we women don't live up to mens sexual expectations coz they've been watching porn. yeah i know this is a little off topic, but i think its an interesting concept and i very much agree with it
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 August 2011):
 If men were honest with themselves, you'd know they're really investigating what the other guys look like compaired to themselves...it's an envy thing. no man is ever big enough for self assurance. We are a very insecure lot.
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 August 2011):
i don't have a problem with porn, as long as it doesn't twist a man's mind and sexuality so that he is unable to perform properly when having real live sex with his partner. OP it is a great shame that you and your wife don't have sex though, just coz you have got children is not really a valid reason/excuse. there is always to have sex and intimacy without it being loudly obvious to the entire household (unless you live in a one roomed house that is - and if this is the case, where do you go to watch your porn??)
i read somewhere that men are hardwired to want to have sex with different partners (monogamy is not the natural state for many species of animal, humans included) and porn serves as a useful item in a man's need for other women) i think this is a correct theory and it actually ties in with what you are saying - that you turn to porn and masturbation in the absence of a sex life with your wife. porn is acting like a 'safety valve' isn't it?
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 August 2011):
 Sorry for feeling emotional. I wish I could understand asexual frigid people, men with ED, etc. Did religion screw them up? Do they think being a family mom mean they can't enjoy sex too? Do they marry just for comfort? Is sexual pleasure too much for them? Your wife is not aware that she is depriving you of sexual pleasure. Maybe she becomes complacent and does not want to know and is afraid of confrontation. The last thing you want to do is to make her feel like she is the one with the problem but society is quick to accuse men of using porn when they don't know how much sexual intimacy matters, because they never experienced that kind of deep connection with anyone. Porn is helpful, but it is not the answer. The more you put erotic images of willing women in your brain, the more you want to try it out in person. Compassion goes on both sides. Headaches are understandable and so is being sexually starved. Your wife needs to read this post because it's possible she doesn't know the pain you are experiencing. And it's difficult to do this without the woman thinking her role in life is to give you sex. How can you make her understand if she doesn't know what sex brings and what it is?
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 August 2011):
Happy place, can't you see that the OP is desiring her, already doing his best but nothing comes out of it. Some how menopause is the cause of a frustrating sex life for a married couple, and also kids and privacy equally became the scapegoat, finally porn is also the problem. In reality there are women who doens't need all that seducing, they are naturally horny, and believe me, they are also good women, not husband stealers.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 August 2011):
In your article you made it that marriage, routine, and kids did this to you. Now we find out that it's your wife who only enjoyed sex at the beginning if at all. I could be depressed, crying, sick, and I could still get wet and enjoy sex, especially if it's with a man I love. I am just normal, not particularly blessed with any sexual skills. I don't believe God created some women who would enjoy sex, some who wouldn't. People have accepted that a sexless marriage is a normal thing. Abortion is normal, racism is normal, ethnic cleansing is normal, corporate fraud is normal. Luckily I grew up with parents who still enjoy sex this day (they are in their 60's) Is it too hard to find a good woman who is loving, a good mother, and also a good sexual partner. Well I believe I am both but society has created the myth that the two don't combine and people could only fantasize something that's outside of the marriage. I think the question to ask your wife is, is she attracted to you sexually? Does she know what sexual attraction means? Has she been attracted to other men and didn't tell you?
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reader, HappyPlace +, writes (19 August 2011):
 Mmm I thought Tilly's arguments were succinct. Here's my take on it. If your wife is in the same age range as you, then have you thought she might be peri menopausal (or menopausal) and this hugely impacts libido! I'm currently in this situation myself due to an illness forcing me into an early menopause. I fancy my other half but there is currently nothing going on down below. I even tried masturbating but had to stop because I couldn't get off. Also, if your other half watches porn then the desire levels will fall even further. It takes a wise man to figure this one out! And I mean from the women's point of view. There is nothing so UNSEXY to me personally as a man who favours porn. So you see, combine that with a waning desire and you get to see how you might not be getting any! Concentrate on your wife, tell her you love her and desire her. Initiate some foreplay - it doesn't have to be full sex until she is ready. My partner does not currently initiate sex very often so we rarely have sex. However, when I know that he desires me and NEEDS to have sex, I find it a great turn on and will always participate willingly, even if I don't have the elusive orgasm!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): Thank you, Jannipeg, for your compassion.I don't thing sex was ever all that important to her. I have the sense that it was something she did early on because she thought I wanted it, but she never just let herself go and enjoyed it. She's not someone who is comfortable losing control (so she never drinks, for example); I think she likes the closeness that goes with sex, but otherwise I'm pretty sure she could take it or leave it.A G-spot orgasm? I doubt she's ever had an orgasm period, so if she's faking she's a lousy actress. I've tried everything you'd expect. Oral does nothing for her (and I had previous g/fs screaming, so it's not necessarily my technique); fingers are emphatically not on. I've seldom met anyone who didn't have body image issues, but she doesn't deserve to have them. She looks great.Tilly -- whoa, fanticize about screwing other women?? You're taking a real leap there. I never said that, nor do I.Do I love her? Perhaps I don't meet your definition of love. She's the only person in my life I'm always happy to see, always happy to answer phone calls from, always happy to spend time with. I cook for her, clean for her, and out of the blue send her flowers once in a while. I love her, but in a different way than I did 25 years ago.Person -- I can only imagine her reaction if I were to suggest toys.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (18 August 2011):
 So basically from this discussion and the question we can all see that porn is just putting a band-aid over an infection in the sense that it masks it, but doesn't fix it.
I think you should try talking to your wife about this and what you can do to fix it. I've been temporarily living in a tiny 3 bedroom apartment with five roommates and paper thin walls, one of whom is a 3-year old girl. Do you think me and my boyfriend put on the brakes for it? Heck no, we just made an effort to be very quiet.
I understand that it's more difficult when they're your own kids. I know part of this is your wife, but I can't address what she should be doing or not doing since I'm only talking to you and in the end, you can't change her, you can only change yourself. So don't take any of what I'm about to say as blaming you or saying that it's only you who needs to work at this, it's just right now you're the only one asking.
That said, I think several things will help. One is to buy some of those fluffy draft prevention things for the bottom of your door to help keep your bedroom more private/quiet. At first, to get her more comfortable, maybe try instead of secretly going off and taking care of yourselves, why not masturbate together on occasion? It's faster than sex but is still a way to include each other, and she just might, mid-way through, decide she'd much rather have sex with you. You mention scheduling sex, and while it sounds unromantic, sometimes it's both necessary and helpful. Why not try scheduling it a bit more often? You can always do the classic thing from old movies of giving your kids some money to take themselves to the movies or give them some gas money or make them go get some fresh air. Buy them some louder speakers for their music or some big headphones. Have your wife fake a sore muscle and turn on some relaxing music while you give her a massage. Things like that, just get creative.
You might also want to pick out some new and exciting sex toys to try together just to see if that piques her interest. Maybe she'd be more willing to stop caring if the kids are listening in if she could be assured an easy quick orgasm every single time (key words are quick and easy, something a vibrator is very good at). You both need to communicate about this a bit more, brain storm together. You can even make trying to be sneaky like a game.
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reader, Odds +, writes (18 August 2011):
 Normally I'm pretty pro-porn, but I'm going to leave that point untouched for now just to address another one.
"As the kids got older, well, you wouldn’t want them to hear anything."
This sounds like part of the problem with your wife. Sex is not some shameful thing for you and your kids to pretend never happens. If they're teens, they know you've had sex with your wife at least once for each kid. You can save the shouting orgasms and rough stuff for when they're not home, but they aren't going to be traumatized by hearing the headboard thump against the wall a few times, and you can keep quiet when fingering your wife or getting a handjob. Sneak a quickie in the laundry room when both machines are running full blast. Or just tell them, "All of you kids need to find something to do out the house Friday evening so your mother and I can have some private time."
As a parent, part of your job is modeling a good marriage for them to emulate when they are older (not that your sons should even consider marriage under current laws, but leave that aside for now). Would you want to raise a son who can't get his wife to put out, or a daughter who refuses to put out for her husband? Be mature about it, and after an adjustment period, they'll be mature too.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 August 2011):
Just to check.
Perhaps she's one who says if she has no sex for the rest of her life she couldn't care less?
Perhaps your wife never had a G spot orgasm?
Perhaps she has body image issues?
Does she fake orgasms?
If she never enjoyed sex how can you expect her to want it?
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 August 2011):
It's hard to fantasize with someone who doesn't want sex with you, someone who could never find time in real life. The answer is not porn though. It's just a quick fix. I wish you could do something before all your kids turn 18, or worse, before you are too old to do it.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 August 2011):
No Tilly, if the wife arranges once or twice a year for sex otherwise she doesn't want to do it, you have to wonder if she really loves him. I think it's amazing that the OP still sticks around in the marriage.
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reader, Tilly678 +, writes (18 August 2011):
I guess if youve thought about ' buying minutes with others' one could really question your feelings for your wife.
I dint mean to be rude but have you considered that you may no longer love her. I mean to a person who truly loves there partner this thought would repulse them. Have you told her that you fantasize frequently about screwing other women? How does she feel about this?
Is she confident enough to consider that you may not love her and find her simply 'familiar'
You seem to feel that you deserve a whole lot more, but how about her? Doesn't she deserve a man who only had eyes for her and loves her unconditionally.
I wonder if in 40 years when your on your death bed what your final thoughts will be?
Will you be thinking ' gee I wish I watched more porn or paid a hooker to get me off!"
Or will it be
'gee, I wish I had been a little less caught up in whats in my pants and I had spent a whole lot more time really respecting and making my wife feel cherished'
In my life I have been fortunate enough to have a wide range of experiences, some wondeful, some challenging. At the end of the day I've come to realise that all that really matters is the relationships we have with those we love. Our level of integrity in our dealings with others and our ability to behave in ways that honor that love is ALL that matters.
So I ask once more.....do you love your wife?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Mais alors, pas mon doubt.
Partridge is delightful on occasion. It's been a VERY long time since it's been on the menu consecutively.
No, Cindy, there's no one I'd rather be with. I've thought about buying minutes with others, but haven't fully wrapped my mind around it. My wife is willing to arrange time alone for just us once or twice a year. But in our home, the sort of privacy she needs to be sufficiently comfortable? Not often, and I'm no longer so young that "whenever" works. For her, the very early morning is OK; sadly not for me, and it's been disastourous when it's tried. For me mid-day is best -- I've asked her to meet me at no-tell motels but she won't -- she says we'll just meet at home for lunch when the kids are at school, and either she's too busy at work to make it or a kid shows up unexpectedly.
No, eight weeks are hardly the acme of deprivation. But after four weeks or so I just get squirrly. And at that point it takes three or so wanks a day to keep me from being irreprably stupid.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 OP, I realize that maybe the "fake boobed platinum blonde " line was a cheap shot, - because I just assumed your sexual tastes were necessarily coarse and mainstream and I did not think you could be a more refined discriminating gentleman with more original preferences.Sorry,my apologies.
Nevertheless , I still think yours is simply a case of " Perdrix, toujours perdrix ". " Partridge, always partridge !" as that courtesan at the court of Louis XIV used to sigh on being served delicious, expensive, succulent stuffed partridge three days in a row.
I mean, the excuse that you can't have a fulfilling sex life because you've got kids at home is really quite lame, after
all there must be about half of the world population in your predicament, are they all sex starved ?? Or will they have found some coping strategy, what do you think ?.
So, pardon me if I still think that yes, probably you'd bring someone similar to your wife in our fantasy motel- or maybe even older or fatter or less attractive than your wife- you just would not bring...your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): I meant to comment on the "fake boobed platinum blonde young porn goddess" poke. It's not particularly relevant, but the porn I look for is the stuff shot by amateur middle-aged folk with home cameras. I'm more interested in women who look like my wife. The girls in mainstream porn -- enhanced, shaved, pierced, tattooed -- interest me not one bit. You can laugh or doubt, but I wouldn't let one of them into my motel room.That doesn't take away from the valid points you raised, Cindy, and I thank you for your perspective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): "you've got teen kids at home, not an infestation of rodents"LOL -- love that line (although you haven't met my children -- just kidding!)
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 August 2011):
Oh please. I think you are just looking for excuses to give yourself permission to be "naughty". You've got itches to scratch- then scratch them, but don't blame them on your wife or kids. So, after 25 years together, you don't make love twice a day anymore ? Oh how surprising- how dreary . And you haven't been " loved " or "touched" in a long time ?... the longest time youmention is 6 to 8 weeks, not exactly the acme of deprivation. If you want to spice up/ intensify / increase your sex life it's just up to you, when there is a will there is a way, you've got teen kids at home, not an infestation of rodents. Encourage them to have sleepovers at friends, I bet they'll be happy to comply. Or -just tell them to find themselves something to do out of home some weekend afternoon, because mom and dad need some privacy too. You don't need to give details, of course, just tell them you need to spend quality time alone as a couple, this is something that even the most self centered of teenagers can understand and appreciate. Or simply enjoy your wildest fantasies in the privacy of your ( locked ) bedroom, you may have to hit the "mute " button if you are screamers, but who knows, that may add a touch of forbidden and enhance the fun.
Failing everything else... the simplest thing would be to occasionally remove yourself and your wife to some discrete no-tell motel where you can dangle naked from chandeliers if you wish. Small expense, total privacy, and again, that touch of sinful and adulterous that may spice up things.
Maybe the problem is you'd promptly take some fake boobed platinum blonde young porn goddess straight out of
Internet porn you watch ,to this no-tell motel, while being there with your long time legitimate wife... uhm, not exactly the same- you wonder if it would be worth the trouble. Understandable and human, perhaps, maybe some people need to keep dreaming the impossible, at any age, - but please do not blame it on your wife and kids .
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Love is nice, but to deny that humans are full of lust is only an act of repression and self-delusion. If you feel it would help, I do not know why you would not watch porn -- it will alleviate pent up desire.
One really only has to be cautious in avoiding using it to augment a lack of love, much less be a substitute. There is nothing that can take the place of companionship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Thanks, Tilly -- I appreciate you sharing your perspective. It's great to hear that at least some people our age are having fulfilling sex lives.
My wife and I have never discussed masturbation, let alone porn. So whatever else might be going on, that isn't it. She doesn't know, doesn't seem to care to know, what if anything I might be doing to stay sane. I quite understand how women could see porn as unappealing or worse.
As for the "just get over it" comment, I can see how I was unclear, but what I was saying was that seems to be the response a woman can expect if she posts complaining about porn. It's not my comment. I've read enough posts here to understand that it's tremendously upsetting for some women, and how it does sometimes negatively impact their sex lives.
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reader, Tilly678 +, writes (16 August 2011):
Sorry I also meant to ad this regarding your statement that women should just 'get over it'Although you will no doubt say that you do in fact desire an respect your wife despite your porn use, the reality is that for most women, her husband using porn does not make her feel desirable! As feeling desirable is about as integral to a womans sex drive as testosterone is to a mans , this in turn often reduces our desire to have sex with a porn using husband.Dont you think that saying 'get over it' is in the least a bit inconsiderate and at most downright disrepectful?If your wife chooses to Have porn in the marriage that is between the two of you...but certainly you then have little right to complain that you don't get enough......
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reader, Tilly678 +, writes (16 August 2011):
Hi, an interesting article and a view that some will no doubt share. As a woman in your age group, I remember the days you speak of, before Internet porn.Like you, I also have children, four in fact, with all but one having flown the coop. However, unlike you, I am having plenty of sex with my husband. I can honestly tell you that of I knew he had to look at other naked women to help him 'bank the fire' ad you day we would be having a lot less sex. The whole point is that my sex drive ( and many women's I feel) is prompted by the level of desire and respect he shows to me.Few things are a greater turn off to a woman than a ma Who needs porn.So what came first the chicken or the egg? Now if we were using porn.... Well... We probably be having sex once in a blue moon and complaining about the temptation of not having been naked with a new person for years.......Thankfully we have a hot sex life and a level of intimacy that we could only dream of had we chosen to use porn....but hey , as Dr phil says....whatever works for you.
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