A
female
age
30-35,
*udymtz
writes:My husband and I have been married a year in May. We have a son who just turned 3 months. I found out about 8 months ago that he has a porn addiction. I confronted him on several occations and he always told me he would stop. He didnt. I have a problem trusting him now.Well, he was doing good for a while. I was kind of in denial that he had stopped even though I had a feeling he didnt. Then, he made the mistake of not deleting the videos off the computer. Whoops. Now I know and cant deny it anymore. I confronted him once again. He FINALLY said that he had an addiction. I told him that in one arguement and he said that it wasnt addiction, that he could stop like he did with drinking. He told me that he loves sex. He loves having it (yes, he does) and that he likes to watch it. I find it disgusting. I told him I wish it didnt bother me like some people, but it does. He said he dosesnt see the girl and he doesnt imagine sleeping with them. He just likes watching sex.Now he wants my help to stop before going to a counselor. Honestly, I want the therapist but we cant afford it. How can I help him? I put up parental controls and he went to Limewire so I deleted that too. I also put up a program called NetDog that stops all porn sites. He wants to change so that he doesnt lose me. He didnt think I was serious about leaving him because he hurt me so much. Now he knows it and I want to help him. I mean, were married. I love him. I want to help.
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male
reader, shades of blue +, writes (8 March 2009):
 My wife found out I was looking at porn about two years into our marriage. 10 years later it is still an issue. I promised over and over to stop. I went to a counselor (about 4 years into marriage) because she was leaving me if I didn't leave it alone. It did not help. I really wanted to stop and tried finding alternatives.
The sad thing is this is an issue that is not easily dealt with. Even if he never looks at people having sex again, he still is going to have strong sexual desires and his sexual frustrations are going to have negative impacts on your marriage.
Honestly, the best thing you can do for him is to accept him as he is. It doesn't mean you like what he is looking at or even condone it. If I had to guess, he developed his appetite for watching sex as a teenager. He honestly feels guilty, but doesn't know an alternative or how to stop. It is like having a strong desire to eat chocolate. You decide to give it up to help loose weight. What happens? You see chocolate every where. You dream about chocolate, stare at it in the store, and eventually give in for a little bite.
If you can accept him and give him room to develop as a husband, Dad, and his own sexuality you will eventually find some kind of common ground. It will not be easy, but the good that you saw in him is still there. Strong sexual desires (even gross ones) don't mean he is a bad man or would make a bad Dad.
For my wife and I, the compromise has become complex, but it works most of the time. I fantasize about her when I go to bed. In the morning I relieve myself with some pictures I have of her. On occasion I need a little more than fantasy and pics to get the sexual buzz and I turn to the internet. She does not like this, but tolerates it. She doesn't ask about it, and doesn't try to look at what I was looking at. That is when it really hurts her.
A
male
reader, FroggieGman +, writes (8 March 2009):
Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!! This somehow became your problem???? He just shifted the responsibility on to you. He has a problem and he's the one that needs to fix it.
If he loves sex and many of us do, and he likes to watch, het him a wall mirror and put it by your bed so he can watch himself having sex with you, videotape yourselves etc.
You should be the center of his physical and mental universe, he needs counseling.
Look, you can put on the protection devices on your computer, but that will not stop him from watching it elsewhere, like the local library.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2009):
 http://www.compulsionsolutions.com/?gclid=CLaOjq-Sj5kCFQ8eDQod5zunZg
maybe this will give you an idea to start?
I'm sorry that you have to deal with it, but remember the fact that he knows he is having a problem is a huge step. He's asking for help is another huge step.
Educate yourself as much as you can. Goggle porn addiction and simply addiction - go to the library and look up self help book I bet you can find something useful.
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