A
female
age
30-35,
*ayronae
writes:I know this has to be a common complaint, but i found porn on my boyfriend's computer. I wasn't even looking for it...just came up when i was typing in a website. Well i checked his history then, and found porn were all the top sites. The problem is that he told he himself and promised that he didn't need porn and hadn't looked at it for a long time because he had me. Then months later (9 or so??) somehow porn came up, and he told me his friend gave him some and how he watched some with a friend. And i said "i thought you didn't look at that?..." he replied on;y when his friends are over or when they give him dvd's. i was shocked b/c i had believed him.now i realized he has lied to me :(i know porn is just a fantasy and those girls mean nothing to him. But what i have a problem is i found a site for live interactive porn chats/viewings. To me that crosses the line. I feel as if that is cheating becauuse if he is doing this, he is engaging in an activity for sexual excitement with a REAL girl without me knowing, and is no longer a just viewer. i feel heart broken at the thought of him actually seeing/talking to another girl and having cybersex to get off. i would have never suspected or even thought of this. It makes me feel sick and could only sleep about 3 1/2 hrs last night... just couldn't stop thinking of his possible online sexual relationships.What do you think? am i overreacting or what?? i love him more than myself and he asked me to marry him but i want to be the only woman!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): hey boys, we don't always get everything we want. sometimes we don't get as much sex or as fantastic sex as we all want. that's life. the other issue is watching porn makes the woman (in this case) feel not good enough - not pretty enough, breasts that aren't big enough, not sexy enough...... sex is supposed to be an expression of intimacy. it is so easy to say - boys will be boys and they always will look at porn. boys, you just need to realize it can hurt some of us - sometimes more, sometimes less. it can become a vicious circle - the more you hurt us, the less we care to be intimate with you. it is a bit ironic - that it can be the woman's fault men view porn - we don't have enough sex so you go to porn sites. i'm still trying to figure it out - so keep the comments coming.
A
female
reader, jayronae +, writes (29 April 2009):
jayronae is verified as being by the original poster of the question but it wasn't with friends....they had not been over any for nearly 2wks, and porn stuff was on it for everyday of the week for the whole previous week. i don't why you're telling me not to overreact before i get the facts--I just asked for him to tell me the truth. He is the one who stormed out the door refusing to talklastly, how can being emotional be unladylike??...the expression emotions, especially sadness, worry ect., is typically considered a feminine trait. i don't want to hear about society's unjustly standards and rules for the sexes. why should it be acceptable for a woman to cry and not a man? why is it ok for a man to be assertive and aggressive, but if woman does this she is a "bitch"? By sticking to these outdated stereotypes, i feel it is holding back society
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A
female
reader, jayronae +, writes (28 April 2009):
jayronae is verified as being by the original poster of the questionperhaps i should not have responded like such but i found that answer to be insulting not only to women, but also men
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A
female
reader, jayronae +, writes (28 April 2009):
jayronae is verified as being by the original poster of the question
in response to anonymous (4/27/09):
i am not "super sensitive" to porn. i'm "sensitive" about the possibility of him actually engaging with other live women, which is called cybersex, not porn.
and what does women and materialism have to do with this?? i will likely be the breadwinner if we get married. most women are not that shallow. but whats wrong with wanting a partner that can provide without having to struggle,?-- and that goes for both sexes
and trust me there is no lack sex, i never say no and its atleast 2-3 times a day, and i try whatever he wants. just because one doesn't view/approve of porn does, does not mean it will inhibit my (or any one else's) sexuality...but if people do look at porn thats ok
perhaps i was using a "fine tooth comb" and i agree it probably didn't make him good, but it doesn't make me feel good when he lies. and you cannot say i do not trust him, because i do. I have been with him along time and have never searched through his computer or his belongings--they're private. But i feel i have the right to know about this. he's the one that says he can't trust anyone, not even me... his mom always told him trust nobody when he was a child, and that stem of thought has carried over to adulthood.
i believe the excuse of "he's a man...blah blah" is overrated. women experience the same feelings, but not as often, just depends on the woman. i don't think many men would be too happy to find their girlfriend engaging in cybersex.
even if someone is not "getting enough" does not supply a worthy excuse to search for other people whether via web or in person
and i mentioned the history b/c at first he told he didn't look at porn, and then it was only with friends. it was his #1 history. he can't use his friends excuse cause they haven't been here in over a week. I was asking for honesty and openess.
he says he didn't do anything like cybersex, and i have to try to believe him b/c i don't know for sure
just b/c you had a similar experience (or you think you did...) does not mean you "know" what is happening. you can sympthasize but its impossible for you to exactly what we are like. i believe your negative experience has placed much bias in your response
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A
female
reader, jayronae +, writes (27 April 2009):
jayronae is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand thank you all for your advice and support, i wasn't expecting the amount of responses! everyone of you said something helpful and i greatly appreciate iti hope i did the right thing though..............jamie xoxo
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A
female
reader, jayronae +, writes (27 April 2009):
jayronae is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i asked him, or rather i tried. he said the cybersex thing is just a pop-up when he clicks on certain things. he told me not worry and that he only views porn with his friends now and then. Then i told him it was his 1# thing on his history..he got mad and left and said he didn't want to talk to me for along time. i don't even know what i did wrong--i wasn't mad or anything. i told him its ok that he looks at porn, i just wanted to be open about it. and its better to talk about it now than later since we plan on getting marriedi'm devastated. he just left and won't answer any calls. i thought i was doing something good-- giving him a chance to open and letting him now that i'm comfortable with him watching just porn. perhaps he thought i was accusing him or that i was mad. or maybe he doesn't believe that it was an accident when i found those sitesi really do love him and i don't want this to come between us... he just got so mad, i didn't expect him too
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): i appreciate all the comments. when i first dated my fiance - i told him i was supersensitive to porn - for whatever reason that was something i just couldn't accept in our relationship. several years ago - i realized he was viewing porn on the web with the associated sexual reactions. we had a big discussion and he told me he wouldn't do it again. now lately i've realized he is frequently watching skin flicks (much tamer than "porn"). again we talked - i told him i didn't mind on a few occasions but i was beginning to think he watched these skin flicks 4 or more times a week. i was feeling left out. our sex life was pretty good - but when i suspect he watches this stuff - it affects my sexual reaction to him. anyway, nice to find this blog - i need to understand why men do what they do, and perhaps not take it so personally - but also understand my limits - no matter why - i feel the way i do. i agree wholeheartedly with your phrase "i want to be the only woman". I guess i'm really glad i am not the only woman in the world who wishes her man would come to her - and only her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): You are not over reacting,The bottom line is he has lied to you,If he admitted he viewed occasionally but wouldnt when you were around it would be a different situation all together the problem is due to the fact he told you he didnt watch it didnt need to then did it behind your back!What I suggest is that you sit down with him and be totally honest about how this has undermined your self confidence and made you feel bad,tell him that the fact he has lied about it makes it worse and that you are not comfortable with him watching porn and why it makes you feel uncomfortable.Listen to each others points of view and come to some kind of agreement good luck!
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A
male
reader, Love4Life +, writes (26 April 2009):
 I don't think your overreacting if he's actually communicating with another girl. You have to remember though he might not think it's wrong. Some guys just think as long as I'm not actually with her it's alright. (I'm not one of them). I would first let him know your feelings on the cyberspace cause he needs to know it hurts you and that you feel it's a act of cheating. As far as porn in general. I think it's a per relationship point of view. If it make you feel bad he needs to take your feeling into account. In my book if my wife aint happy no one is. My wife knows I look at porn some times but we have discussed this and as long as I'm not actually talking to other women she has no problem with it. At the same time I am very open and let her know about it. I also don't believe in having secrets that she might find and be hurt so she knows. Now if she did have a problem I would stop. A man has to realize if it's hurting you its probably not good for the relationship. I would put your foot down to the cyberspace cause like you said it's the next step to cheating. I hope this has been some help...
Miah
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): I don't believe you're overreacting. Tell your boyfriend that realtionships should have bounderies and that cybersex with a live girl is crossing yours and is cheating. If he continues to do this eventhough he knows that to you it is cheating, then you need to move on. just as you wouldn't do something that you knew he considered cheating and would deeply hurt him, he shouldn't either.
The lyeing is also unacceptable. Demand honesty from him and tell him that you won't be in a relationship if it involves dishonesty. Afterall, a relationship ISN'T a relationship without hoensty and trust.
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A
female
reader, malteser  +, writes (26 April 2009):
 i think that you are right to feel this way i would feel hurt if my partner was on the internet talking to women in cybersex. Cheeting dosent have to be actually doing it with someone you can still be unfaithful by lieing and flirting with another women is cheeting in it own way. You need to sit down and relly discuss this with your partner and find out how you are both going to deal with this. Are you going to be able to trust him again? Men look at porn this is a fact of life, my man does and i do. But if you feel that he has cheeting on you and dont know if you can trust him maybe you should move on.
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