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male
age
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*ncle bob
writes:Ladies(and girls), I need your help!Please tell me why some women and or girls, are willing to put up with such "crap" from men!They lie to you, cheat on you, won't allow you to have a life of your own, and if they do? They act like wounded little boys! They expect you to be their mothers, lovers, maids, and all-round "work horse"I just don't get it!If anyone treated me like this, they'd soon find themselves out in the cold before they could draw their next breath.Please help me, Uncle Bob just doesn't get it! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): “Our society and culture produces the majority of young men to be nice guys.”I have heard to many stories of men treating their wives/gf with disrespect and even abuse over time. So I'm convinced there are an equal number of jerks out there and some of them appear to be nice guys at the start. It's not always obvious who is a jerk in either sex. Men have this thing called testosterone, which can often cause jerk behavior and they can all be jerks at some point in time.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): anonymous said,"I think a better question would be why are there so many men who behave this way and why is our society/culture producing people like this?"Our society and culture produces the majority of young men to be nice guys. And it doesn't help much because the majority of young women still crush on the jerks first and foremost. I think it's pretty obvious which end of the problem needs more attention.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011):
If we were discussing something about men that is equally negative but equally obvious, it wouldn't even be controversial.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): I think the reasons can be complex. It depends on their family history and other interactions in part. I'm not sure if you mean abusive relationships with violence or only the types you have mentioned. Many people do not show or manage to conceal their true self until their partner is already too involved, emotionally attached, financially dependent with children and so on. If they don't have any support systems it is not so easy for them to leave. For the less severe cases perhaps they feel that they will just end up with someone else who is worse or who does the same, so they decide to deal with it in whatever way they can, but not to leave. I'm sure some do leave and start over.I think a better question would be why are there so many men who behave this way and why is our society/culture producing people like this?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 Thank you anon poster for stating that fact.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): It should be an accepted fact that women are naturally more prone to choosing & staying with abusive men than men with abusive women. Any idiot with half a brain knows this from real world experience.
But it is too politically incorrect to say out loud. So we pretend it's not true instead of trying to cope with it and take counteracting steps. I guess we think the future generations are better off being told it's not true and making the same old mistakes over & over again.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 March 2011):
Here, read this please:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-manipulates-me-by-saying-hell-kill-himself.html
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 March 2011):
I must also add that a classic way of trapping someone down, and ways an abuser will work, is to literally trap a person. For example they cut out the persons social life. They say "I don't like this or that friend of yours, I don't want you to socialize with them". Then they will tell you "I don't like it when you go here or there". And so the person looses their friends. The abuser will say things like "I want to spend time with you, I don't want you to make plans with anyone else", even if the abuser themselves go out and have their fun. The victim sits patiently at home.
Then when the relationship goes bad, the victim has no one to turn to. No one to help.
Next thing is that they often live together with the abuser, or have children with the abuser. With no friends, and having no where to go.. how can you leave when you literally can't? Especially women who fall pregnant with an abuser gets trapped. Once pregnant they are weak, dependent on the man, and once the baby is born they turn even more sheltered than before.
The it comes to work. An abuser's way of trapping a person down will be to not let them work, or say that they will provide for you, so you should stay at home (often with the baby). You then have no money either.
Often times the victim lives far away from family, they moved to a new city or area for example with their partner. With the promise of how things will get better there, so lovely there.
Imagine sitting there, at a strange place, in an apartment with the person who gives you no right to live your own life, and no where to go. No money either, and you face all the thoughts I described in the previous post. Perhaps you have a lovely child that you adore, but all the money that pays for diapers and food comes from the abuser.
Then someone comes up to you and asks why you don't just leave?
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reader, chigirl +, writes (11 March 2011):
Because they love them.
This goes both ways, for men and women.
Things are not as easy as they appear to someone on the outside. Sure, if someone you just met treated you that way no one would stand for it. But that's not how it happens. It's one little thing here, and one little thing there. First just every now and then. Then you loose track of it, and then it becomes the norm. Then you get shamed into shutting up about it, not talking about it to others because it is embarrassing. You work hard to keep up appearances. Everything's supposedly so nice, and you convince yourself they are nice. As they "used to be". And when it's good it's so wonderful, it's the best ever. And you live in the dream of what you wanted the relationship to be like, and the small glimpses you see here and there.
And like I said, you love the person. You start to think you're the one who's causing the problems, and the abuser will also confirm that you are indeed the one causing problems. If you hadn't said this or that, if you would just shut up, if you hadn't acted this or that way, talked to this or that person. If you avoid irritating the one you love, then you get promises of marriage, children, a happy future, gold and forests and half the kingdom. And you want it, so badly.
And then, after spending so much time, and effort, and money... you dedicated your life, blood, sweat and tears for things to work.... You don't want to face defeat. How could you face people around you, how can you tell them the truth? You don't want to be made the fool, you don't want to be too old for dating, and after so much time you really don't want all of it to go to "waste". I mean, all the hard work.. what was it for? What do you have to show for?
I haven't been in an abusive relationship, I think. Although I believe had I stayed it could have turned into one, and had I not been strong enough to break free, then I'd be stuck in the crap. Thinking back though, these are the thoughts that ran through my head at the time. And I was only going through the light version! Imagine when someone gets hit will a full blown out abuser who knows how to trap you down. It gets even harder then.
So don't judge or think they must be stupid to stay. If you see someone who struggles in a relationship like that, offer your support. Don't just think you will leave them to struggle on their own as "they are the ones who choose to stay". They don't choose to stay. They are made to stay. When I tried to leave my ex he'd throw himself down at the floor and cry and scream, plead and beg. And loving him so much... it was near impossible to leave.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 March 2011):
Low self esteem and respect are very high on the list.
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female
reader, MamaBear  +, writes (11 March 2011):
Thanks for asking what I too have wondered! Why would a woman (any age) want the crap dished out by some guys rather being alone. And, I am wondering how they fall "in love" so quickly. Almost like a soap opera. Ladies of all ages, heed the advice from Uncle Bob and look in the mirror. You only live once so make the most of the time!
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reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (11 March 2011):
 Because they fall in love with them and get stuck in the relationship, also sometimes because they think they are not going to find anyone else.
:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Honey I wish I could...But some men are also treated badly in their relationships
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