A
male
age
51-59,
*uestions2009
writes:Please, forgive me for the lengthy email, but I need to get the facts straight here. I have dated this woman for 1 1/2 years. She is 29 now. A few months ago I caught her lying to me. She told me - she actually set up her lie for a week!!! - that she had the birthday of his cousin on a given Sunday. I found out she went to a reggae concert with her friends instead. I caught her on the spot. She told me she lied because she was afraid I would get pissed for her going to a reggae concert and smoking pot. This was the second time she lied to me, and I caught her on the spot doing it both times. Anyway, this second time I told her I was done with her, we broke up for almost a month. She would call me and text me to forgive her, called me crying telling me she needed me, blah, blah, blah, etc…So we got together one day, talked things over, and decided we would get back together again. The problem is that this person is getting worse, not better. She tells me I am her first priority, but spends most of her time with her friends, her family, at the gym, etc...specially weekends whether it is because she goes to visit her sister, has a family event, is tired, has to organize her closet – I find out she is at her friend’s instead!! Anyhow, all along I kept telling her we should spend time together, that intimacy is very important in a relationship, that she is not giving me any care or love. She gets actually upset and tells me I am very needy. I even suggested we should go to see a counselor. We finally agreed to go, but she canceled at the last minute claiming she had forgotten she had scheduled her personal trainer that day.We have a pattern to get in a fight every other week lately. Why? Because of things like the following: I’m sick in bed, and she doesn’t even ask me if I need anything. When I tell her how bad that is she gets upset and tells me I am like a woman, that I am too needy. Likewise, after a whole week separated, she makes plans to go out on a Friday with some 25 year old girls she just met at work. This woman actually gets upset when I tell her this is not normal. What are you doing hanging up with 25 Y.Os!!!! This is a person who asks me to buy her a Gucci bag, who asks me to get her a Rolex, a 3 carat diamond, but forgets to buy me a simple card for Valentine’s.This is a relationship where I pay 99% of the times for everything – I mean EVERYTHING. She didn't have a job then, but now I referred her to a good job with a friend and she is making good $$$. She told me she had bought a $150 dress, and has managed to save $600 so far, etc…great, I thought!!! This past weekend, after been completely absent for a few weekends like I mentioned, she tells me AT THE LAST MINUTE she is going to a club with some friends on Saturday to celebrate her friend's birthday. She goes on to tell me she in not my wife, she is just my girlfriend, so she should be able to go to clubs if she wants now and then (this is a girl who made a HUGE scene in front of all my friends because two girls who were at an event in my house were talking to me, in plain sight, no flirting or foul play at all!!! This is a girl, by the way, who had told me she was over the club scene, etc...) So I tell her she is right, that I agree with her, but I am not her husband either, so from now on we should split the check when we go out. We were having dinner at a restaurant while we had this conversation, so I asked her to pay for half of the dinner. She told me I should pay for everything since I am her boyfriend (this is not a joke, this is actually what she said!!!) and I have more money than her. She finally paid and decided to go home instead of going to watch a movie as we had planned – she claimed she didn’t have money to go to the movie. I offered to pay for it, but she left. WHO WAS GOING TO PAY FOR THE DRINKS AT THE CLUB THE FOLLOWING DAY IF SHE DIDN’T HAVE ANY $$$? I told her how selfish, manipulating, and confused she was about what a relationship should be. This person actually BELIEVES I have to pay and provide, and she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants (how come I find out last about her plans for Saturday?? My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years?.) So I didn’t call her since Friday. She didn’t either. Didn’t invite me to her girlfriend’s BBQ on Sunday (she had actually told me she could not be too much time with me during the BBQ because she was one of the organizers – 20 people total. Hahahahaha) So, I received a message from her this morning, stating she had a question about one of her credit cards. I didn’t reply to her message, then she left me another one later on today saying she loves me and misses me, and she wants to go to counseling. She will pay for it. But if I don’t reply, she will eventually stop bothering me (!!) She usually does this (always calls AFTER the weekend) and after 2 weeks of been together, gets back to her former self. Is this a selfish and manipulating person or am I daydreaming??I am completely TIRED of this person. I am so over this nonsense. I just need your honest opinion. She makes me feel really bad and calls me (jokingly with her friends) the nazi boyfriend. And I honestly am not. I just want a GF who is available. Thank you all.
View related questions:
at work, broke up, cousin, flirt, get back together, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Prophet7 +, writes (12 June 2009):
I just got out of a relationship just like yours lol. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at myself cuz we both fell for manipulating women and were blinded by love. I can clearly see she's using you but couldn't see my girl doing the same thing to me. Love is not a good enough reason to stay with someone if they can't truly commit themselves to you. I had the same problem with my ex and the club thing. She would rather spend her time with others after I helped rebuild her confidence. I eventually left the relationship after 5 years. We can't change who people are, only they can change the things they see wrong with themselves. If they don't see being selfish as a problem they need to change, they are not the one for you. You could stay and be their doormat or you could have respect for yourself and let go of a relationship that is not healthy. You deserve to be happy with someone who is happy even if that means spending all day doing nothing with you. Hope my advice helps you. God Bless... Prophet7
A
female
reader, Full moon temptress1  +, writes (10 June 2009):
This sounds like a parent,child relationship to me.Would you have a problem if she went to a reggae concert with her friends?She sounds like shes rebbelling from her authorthian father.I think she may be a little immature for you,maybe you need to cut your losses and your wallet and find someone,who has more in common with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, 78ta09 +, writes (10 June 2009):
 you are a little needy and i say this from her point of view.. im kinda in the same relationship.. she found a great guy that she can have fun with [his money] and if you gave her the boot when she ran out of money shed come crawling back.. trust me.. my bf of 2 years is living off of unemployment [he just got laid off] and i find myself doing this.. granted i am 17.. she sounds like she is having trouble 'growing up' and shell get it when you throw her out into the real world on her own.. tell her that what SHE wants to do she has to pay for but you will take care of bills, dinners, etc. clubs are expensive.. let her run out of money.. and then there are only 2 roads for her to go.. shell give and realize your not just a giant walking wallet and your a great guy or road 2.. shell get really mad and dump you [then your person will be out of your life..which you sound like youd be more happy wo her than with her anyway] then shell find someone else to drive insane with her wild teenage type expensive life..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): The nazi boyfriend? You say you want an available girlfriend so instead of spending any more precious time in this toxic relationship, why do you not move on to a person that is more deserving of your attention? You clearly have issues, too, for having accepted the manipulation and abuse for so long. It is time for a break up and a self-exam! You must understand why you accept bad treatment in relationships, you are probably terrified of being alone and must think of yourself as a man of little value since you don't demand respect from others... and for certainly of yourself. You must learn to love the person who you are in order to create a more succesful relationship in the future. Best wishes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): To tell you the truth, I think your GF is only using you. I don't know, but girls who love their boyfriends don't usually act that way. But maybe your gf is just that kind of a person who needs more time to be out with others etc. Yet based on your story, I think she is taking you for granted coz she thinks you are the one who can't live without her anyway. You don't deserve a girl like her. If you think there's no way she can change for you then once and for all, break up with her and find someone else who can reciprocate your love. I know its hard but that's for your own good.
...............................
|
