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age
51-59,
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writes: The boyfriend did it again; saw a guy approach me and lost his mind and accused me of having sex with him. Said from what he saw it looks like we are having an affair and I need to come clean. I was lifting weights and a guy came up during my sets and asked me for my number and I told him I have a boyfriend and won't give him my number. The b/f saw this from a distance and said we were talking to close for me to not know him.I told him I am sick of this treatment and and done with him and we are over.But here is my question? What do I do? What is the best advice for me to handle this situation? Please help, especially the men: please respond - thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, thanks. Every word you sent was carefully taken in and applied.
CaringGuy, when you said it's his problem, that helped with the soothing. Which I know is lame; as emotions are worthless, it was just great to have that acknowledgment. When you said the best thing is to stay away from him, I did just that, and it worked. Yes, he has unresolved issues, and that is a truth you brought out which I utilized in a point I will illustrate in a moment.
Then Eddie, you rolled on the scene with insight I took equally careful.
Yep, I had already been loaded with confidence I will never spend resources convincing/proving I am a good, faithful partner. So, that was an awesome reinforcement to that resolve. In answer to your question, it is not the first time, it is approximately the 12th time, and by God I have decided it was the last time, at least without my hard line on it. Thanks for the coverage: "Do you guys have any episodes of cheating in your history. Do you carry yourself in a way that says you want that kind of attention?" Yes and no; Yes he breached our agreement that flirting, time alone with others, having crushes, and all that, was our standard of cheating, and he has done it countless times since the inception. Do I carry myself in a way... Excellent and legitimate inquiry; no I don't. My body is structured in such a way that in our culture is is easily construed as a statement of being "out there" although, once my mouth and attitude get going, it is clear I just want to further a happy life, viable career, and healthy family. For example, when the gym incident occurred, I was in an oversized Under Armour crew neck tee, no make up, ball cap, and full size loose leisure pants. How I poise, walk and carry myself, which is highly self-assured, can be interpreted by juvenile persons in a wrong way, yet I know I do not put myself out there. In fact, I have had multiple random and isolated comments from males stating their admiration I could present myself in a typically loose and suggestive way given my build, but choose not to, and am respected for it.
Anyway, I appreciate the statement: "I think it is important to make your stand." and it's appendages. Incidentally, as I read your respone, the b/f heavily pursued reconciliation at the door of the master bedroom I holed up in during my hard-line "termination". in some uncanny moment, your words empowered me to tell him to take his resources elsewhere, as I will never bow to his treatment. When you said, "If you give in to a jealous or possesive person you actually strengthen their fantasies. As long as you do what they want, they ibelieve you have seen their side of the issue and you must agree becasue you've given in. The truth is probably that most people give in just to put an end to the accusations. Many people continue to do this until they can't take the imposed restrictions anymore and then they leave. At this point the jealous person loses what they were most trying to keep, their partner.", that broke loose a life-long dam of energy I deserve to break him on and told him: "I am standing up to you. Your treatment and notions are intolerable, and I have no room in my life for it. You will take the consequences of your actions, and should I be the deliverer of the hell you deserve, so be it. Accusing me of an affair shows me this arrangement is worthless, and I want nothing to do with you. You are lying, flirting, two-faced hypocritical abusive control freak whom doesn't deserve my love, and I promised one more moment like this is deemed our last day."
So, on a more levitated dialogue, he succeeded once more in convincing me to keep this going.
Although, putting the ridiculousness of dialogue aside, my conscience overrides to say it's all worthless, and he is still playing a game. A game that my heart suggests there's a lot more going on than the existing evidence shows...
In this moment, I sit in borrowed faith and peace from all three, and a twinge of habitual hope he will change, but an overriding conviction this will end on time, and it's subsequent relief.
Q165, thank you for chiming in, and your words played a part in the strength to stand up to him, today.
Thank you all three gentlemen, and I wish you every good thing in the New Year, and may your help be returned to you many times.
Always,
Lisa
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (31 December 2009):
 First of all, you can't prove you didn't do something. There is nothing you can do that will satisfy his jealous mind. Is this the first time you've had this type of problem with him?
That is a pretty wild accusation, saying you've had sex with the guy. That is really insulting to you. I don't know you but unless you are very flirtacious or have a long sketchy history, I don't know what would make your boyfriend so jealous. Do you guys have any episodes of cheating in your history. Do you carry yourself in a way that says you want that kind of attention?
If you answer no to those questions, I think it is important to make your stand. If you give in to a jealous or possesive person you actually strengthen their fantasies. As long as you do what they want, they ibelieve you have seen their side of the issue and you must agree becasue you've given in. The truth is probably that most people give in just to put an end to the accusations. Many people continue to do this until they can't take the imposed restrictions anymore and then they leave. At this point the jealous person loses what they were most trying to keep, their partner.
Often, in the begining, people see it a cute or as a sign of caring when their partner is jealous. It may seem that way too but it can also be the beginning of the groundwork for a bad relationship. There is jealousy that starts because of sound reasons and there is jelousy that begins out of insecurity. It is important to figurre out what this is. If you stroll around the gym, scantly dressed, seeking male attention and behaving like a single woman on the hunt, he may have reason. If you mind your own business and go about your routine and still get attention, that is not your fault.
I'm married to a woman who is a 10. She turns heads EVERYWHERE we go. Both males and females look and it's sooooo obvious. She does nothing to encourage the attention either. I feel proud she's mine. It is not her fault. I did become upset once when she was being hit on by a guy. IT has taken me a long time to realize that she is entitled to be hit on AND set boundaries. If I expected her to ignorer and be a bitch to everyone who talked to her, she'd be a lonely woman. Even though I know what other guys might want, I have to respect her and her integrity to know what the boundaries are.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 December 2009):
Hi there,
Your boyfriend is insecure. Perhaps he has been hurt in the past or cheated on, or perhaps he has other issues of trust. You have done the best thing by telling him it's over, because all he would have done is accuse you of cheating, and it would have damaged your own confidence and esteem. You know you haven't cheated, so it's his problem. The best thing to do is to just stay away from him. He clearly has unresolved issues in his life, and until he sorts them out he's no good to anyone.
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