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female
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anonymous
writes: I need advice this issue is tearing us apart. I met a friend online from another country. I find chatting with her interesting. There is nothing being said that is inappopriate. She is just interesting adn from a country I have always been interested in. My wife is crazy about this and wants me to stop chatting with her. I have told her no, I have the righ to chat with anyone. In fact I told her about this woman to begin with. I talk once a day to her. My wife spies on everything I send to her and has made up things in her mind that I am attracted to her. Yes, I told my wife I thought she was attractive. We have argued over this for three weeks. At one point, I put my wife on voice chat to talk with the woman and she went crazy and yelled at her. My online friend told me she would not talk to me unless my wife apologized to her in an email. I asked my wife to do that and she did. When I read that email I felt very bad and decided I would not talk to the online woman anymore just send an occasional email once in awhile. I emailed her and told hjer this. She emailed me back many times begging me to chat with her. I took the chat feature off and didn't chat with her. We did sent text messages via the phone. My wife has been playing the victim here, she is so depressed that she saw a doctor and has been off work. She is ridiculous about all of this and I am fed up. She has said she will leave me if I don't stop. I feel I have the right to talk to anyone I want to talk to. She told me to go ahead and talk to this woman. My wife said she just can't take it anymore and to do what I want. I have reloaded the chat program and plan to talk to this woman as much as I want. Please let me know how to handle my crazy jealous wife.
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female
reader, redhead_nurse  +, writes (25 June 2009):
You have stated in your letter for everyone to read that you find your online friend "interesting","attractive",and you set time aside to "talk once a day to her". Then just a few sentences later you contradict yourself by stating that your wife has "made up things in her mind". Your wife had every right to go crazy and yell at the other woman. She lashed out of sheer desperation of needing to be heard, because your sure as hell are not listening to her. Something else that is troubling is that your "friend" feels that its in her boundries to make ultimatims. Your "friend" could care less about an apology from your wife...she was only testing you to see who you would chose.You empowered her by asking your wife to apologize. I dont think that you asked your wife to apologize, I would bet my life that you demanded her apology thats the only reason she apologized,because she certainly had no reason to. I think the only reason you felt bad after reading her email is and again I would bet my life on it is that it wasnt an apology but more of a letter of succesion. What else could she have wrote? You chose a total stranger over her, she was defeated. You didnt feel bad for your wife, you were just scared your wife was going to leave you and you want your cake and eat it too. It didnt end...you just had to hide it. Your wife is a victim of your passive agressivness. Your behavior is classic example of passive aggresive mood disorder. You make your wife out to look like a crazy insane jealous person to make excuse for your own evil doings. What are you fed up with and why would you ask for anyones help in dealing with this when you know exactly what your doing to her? You've handled it..you wore her down and now instead of dealing with something she cant win...she has backed off and told you to do what you want. I think your more upset because she doesnt care about you anymore...you wore her down more than you wanted to..she figured you out to be the A/H you know you are and you cant handle it. Well, I hope your online mistress and you keep each other warm at night. I hope she was worth it...You chose words on a computer monitor over a nice warm soft woman who loved you enough to put up a fight for you. You and your online mistress deserve each other because you are both pathetic losers that arent able to communicate with anyone unless they are hidden behind a computer....I hope shes really a guy. Mark my words this will be the biggest regret of your life even though you would never admit to it. One day your wife will be happy with someone who truely loves and deserves her...and you will be all alone because eventually everyone will see who you really are.
A
male
reader, fuglyone +, writes (21 April 2009):
 You should probably divorce your wife, because she obviously doesn't know what friendship is. What good is having a relationship with someone who can't let you be you and have friends? Nada. So dump your wife, before she makes you forget what a friendship is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): I do not think you should chat with the online woman. Guys can easily fall in love with a woman after chating for some time.The way your wife response is how most normal women will do. Please keep in mind there is no pure woman and man friendship.
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male
reader, imnotavictim +, writes (3 January 2009):
Honestly, I can see both sides to the story. My fiance is a very jealous person and we both know that. There have been times when another woman has caught my attention which of course ignited jealousy, but then there have been other instances when she became jealous of longstanding friends--women with whom I've never had any more than a brother-sister relationship.
I think what he's getting at is that when you've committed yourself to someone via the institution of marriage, why should it matter if he talk to some woman in another country or even down the street? There seem to be issues of insecurity and mistrust here that she needs to resolve.
In THEORY, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong by maintaining a healthy social life, but in reality, you need to help your wife overcome these fears and anxieties so she can facilitate that healthy social life you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): Your wife is obviously insecure and concerned about your chatting to this woman. Assuming that you are not chatting about inappropriate things then I see nothing wrong with what you are doing. However, it is bothering your wife greatly because of her insecurity. I think that your only choice is to honor your wife's wishes and to stop chatting with this woman, or probably any women for that matter. It is too bad that she cannot find this acceptable, but your first responsibility must be to your wife.
I have a question to the women who think this is so wrong. What is wrong with him being able to talk to this woman who he has met online? I have talked to 2 of you who have answered this question. I have also talked to one woman who I have met on DC and did so on an almost daily basis for 2 or 3 months. I talk to another one several times a week and have done so for the past 10 months. Both my wife and I are good friends with these 2 women. I also have 2 other friends from DC and used to talk to a man before he left DC. My wife sees nothing wrong with me talking to these women from another country. We are friends and have helped each other with our feelings at times. The difference between my situation and his is that his wife is too insecure to accept him having a female friend. For god's sake, he's not going to have an affair with her. I do agree that his main responsibility is to his wife, but I see no reason why she should be so upset by this. This is assuming that he has told us the truth in his question and I have no reason to doubt him.
My advice to the OP is to drop this relationship and help your wife recover her self-esteem. She obviously cannot handle you having a female friend. I would assume that this would be the case or even worse if your friend were someone who you actually know personally.
I also have another question for you. Would you be upset if your wife chatted daily with a man from another country. If the answer is no then good for you. If the answer is yes then that should help you understand why your wife is so hurt.
Fortunately, neither my wife nor I have any problem with this. She reads everything that I say to my DC friends, assuming that I don't read it to her before I post. She is part of the conversation. We also have never minded the other doing some harmless flirting with close friends of the opposite sex when we used to hang out with a group years ago. We weren't screwing anyone or kissing. We just did it to make someone feel attractive and we all had fun in the process. Lighten up. Just because you are complementing someone from the opposite sex doesn't mean that you want to boink them or leave your partner for them. People like to feel attractive and telling that to someone who you like and respect is not cheating in any way.
As to why the other woman doesn't want to lose him as an online friend. She is possibly hurting from something, like a bad relationship, and finds comfort in talking to a man who's shoulder she can cry on without being concerned that he will just want to get into her pants. It might make her feel attractive and happy without the danger of any sexual contact. She has gotten to know him and doesn't want to lose a friend. Perhaps she has trouble finding a close friend who she can open up to without everyone she knows knowing about it.
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A
female
reader, marmalade22 +, writes (17 August 2008):
 I truly hope that your "crazy jealous" wife finds a way to let you go so you can explore this "relationship" that you find more important and more precious than the one you have with the woman you married. I think your "telling" your wife about this woman and having her listen and speak to this woman is really just your way of pushing your wife to make a decision that you are too cowardly to make. Okay, so you've never met this lady but COME ON! The more you talk and become friends and share your feelings you are going to want to meet and you've already said (cruelly I might add) to your poor wife that this woman is attractive, so the seed is there and it will only grow. Your wife deserves your respect and you have the guts to call her "crazy"....you need some help. It seems you want out to be free to explore friendships with pretty ladies. Figure out if you love your wife and stop hurting the woman who has put up with this. Emotional cheating hurts tremendously. I absolutely know exactly how this goes down from every parties view point and it is never really just general, friendly conversations about the weather and sports..... Your playing with fire. Most likely to boost your ego. Feel sorry for you both. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (13 August 2008):
You're making your wife feel insecure! If this woman online doesn't mean anything to you, then why do you fight your wife to continue talking with her? You are totally wrong. All this chatting and bonding you are doing with this woman online, you are supposed to be sharing that with your wife!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): You may not think you're doing anything wrong because you've never had sex with your female friend, but in fact you're having what's called an "emotional affair". You're draining off good emotions and good conversation and time that could be used to make your marriage stronger. Be honest with yourself.
There may be underlying needs or conflicts within your marriage that drove you to look outside for conversation and admiration, but you should try to resolve these with your wife rather than shopping outside. She's not crazy to feel jealous, even if her way of showing her feelings may be dramatic (though if she expressed her feelings quietly and you didn't respond, she may have been forced to escalate.)
I used to have scads of male friends and I still might talk to them once or twice a year. But my husband is my main companion. Experience has taught us that if you spend frequent pleasant time in the company of someone of the opposite sex, you start to fall in love with them. So you have to try to spend your happy relaxed time with your spouse to stay in love with HER.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): you are very wrong i feel very sad for your wife you MUST say sorry to your wife she didnt have to apologize from that woman.instead that bitch(sorry but thats what she is )should say sorry to your wife you are really stupid if you love your wife you should think about her happiness and choice!! you apologize from your wife now !!
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A
female
reader, troysyaussie  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 you know what? i would leave your ass if i was her. how can you put someone you don't even really know before your wife. you have no respect for the woman you are supposed to love and i feel so sorry for her for that. if i was your woman, i would meet this bitch somehow and slap her down for trying to take away my man. but then again, if my man treated me like that then she could keep him.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 You have serious boundary issues with regard to appropriate and inappropriate behaviour as a married man. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then it is little wonder that you think your wife is "crazy jealous".
It's bizarre that you would go to bat for your online "friend" instead of trying to understand how your behaviour is affecting your marriage. If you had a child, how would explain your behaviour? Set aside your wife's reactions and just concentrate on analyzing your own actions. How would you answer a child's question on them?
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A
female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Honestly, I don't know what you DON'T see wrong with this situation. Just because this woman is from a different country, doesn't mean that anything to do with her should come before your wife. Your wife has EVERY RIGHT to act like she has. She really don't want you talking to her for reasons obviously you don't care to understand. You call her crazy? For what? Because she don't want some other woman coming before her feelings? I honestly don't see anything wrong with that. She's wants to be first in your life and know that you respect her wishes, which you aren't doing very well. Remember, you married your wife for a reason, this other woman shouldn't mean anything to you compared to your wife. Don't think you can go do whatever you want or talk to whoever you want, you are MARRIED, so that means compromising. If your wife would appreciate you not chatting with this lady anymore, just respect her wishes or your wife will really be done with it then you COULD do whatever you want and talk to whoever you want. You should make a wise decision here before this situation gets any further. I suggest putting the wife first, but that's your choice. Do you really want to lose your wife for someone else in another country? Is this other woman that important???? You should ask yourself that question. If there is something missing from your marriage and that's why you're doing this, maybe you should talk to you wife about it and do something about it so you don't feel the need to chat up other woman.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
 There has got to more to this story than you've told us. A couple of red flags for me. You're interested in another woman, I don't care what country she's from. If it were the country, you could find another person to chat with.
Your wife screamed at her first chance she had, and was then forced to apologize. She's your wife and has had to apologize to the woman her husband finds attractive and refuses to stop chatting to. Hmmm.
You tried to end the chatting and were begged by this other woman to initiate it again. Why is this woman so desperate to chat with you? And in fact you never cut contact with her if you two were texting. Sounds very odd to me.
You seem to be putting the principle of the thing ahead of your wife's wishes and feelings. What's more important, that you are right and can do whatever you see fit, no matter how much it may bother her? And I think I'd be bothered too, even if you had told me about this other very interesting attractive woman from the country you're interested in who has your phone number and can get you to chat again.
Look, clearly there is something else going on in this relationship with your wife and with this online 'friend'. You read the email from your wife and felt bad? But then the online woman got you to start the chat up again? Whose feelings are more important to you? Right now, it seems to me that you put the priority in this order. 1. Yourself. 2. Online woman. 3. Your wife.
I'd be prepared to lose your wife over this. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): And the other side of the coin - I've met females online too - a good few of them on here. One in particular, who shall remain nameless, has become something of a good friend even though we've never actually met. We've pm'ed on this site, emailed, texted and spoken on the phone and in the not too distant future we hope to meet up for a bit of a shindig. My partner and hers are quite happy about it. I've got nothing to hide, nor has she, and there's no hidden agenda. Males and females can be friends without having sex. That state of mind, I like to think, comes with maturity, when you realise there's a lot more to life than getting your leg over anything with a pulse.
However, in your case it's upsetting your wife greatly by the sound of it. If the same were true of any friendships I had with women, and they were having the same effect on my partner as it's having on your wife, then I'd drop the others like a hot brick. What's the point of rocking the boat? Are you just trying to prove a point? If you are you're running the risk of a divorce around the corner on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. There's no set definition of that other than if your wife thinks it's unreasonable then it is.
Maybe you've done something in the past that has caused her to mistrust you or perhaps she's just plain insecure for other reasons. Only you and her know the answer to that.
If I were you I'd back off and keep the wife happy - unless you enjoy aggravation on a grand scale.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 July 2008):
 I'm assuming you clicked the wrong gender. As to your post, it's all nonsense, on your part. You know you aren't chatting with this woman just because you are interested in her country. What a bunch of B.S.! You have driven your own wife into depression and you think you are doing nothing wrong here? Whoa Buddy you need to have a reality check and start "handling" your own selfish behavior and then you won't have to worry about "handling" the wife. (Man I hate that word when applied to people.) Wise up before you lose it all.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Sorry but i think its you in the wrong here. You are emailing, chatting and phone txting some other woman that you have admitted you find attractive, and your wife is suppose to be cool about that? This is a wind up right?
Your wife is going to the docs with stress because of this and you think she's being unreasonable?
I just feel desperately sorry for your wife.
Nothing wrong with having friends of the oposite sex, i have, and an ex of mine had a problem with one of them that i rarely saw that lived about 2 hours away, whom i met on line years before i met my boyfriend, but we would email now n then and txt or talk on the phone, and i put the phone on loud speaker one night when this male friend was talking about a problem with his girlfriend, and my then boyfriend apologised to me after and said the guy sounds great and knows now not to worry. Differnce there was, i had known the friend longer than my boyfriend, if we were attracted to each other like that we could of got together yrs previously, and he had a girlfriend who he is due to marry this yr.
But if you need the escapeism, to chat to a random stranger, who sounds demanding in the least! then there is obviously something missing in your marriage.
I would be just as confused as your wife!
Sorry.
C xxxx
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