A
female
age
41-50,
*43pez
writes:Wow... All I can say is that I never needed advice more in my life than at this point. I am 24 years old. I met my fiance exactly a year ago and we were friends at first. I was just getting over a relationship where the man broke up with me after me moving halfway around the country for him. I met my fiance 3 months after the breakup. To be honest, I only liked him as a friend at first then I started to fall for him. He is the sweetest man ever, treats me like gold values me and is everything I could ever want.../ BUT there is always a but huh...In the area of sex he cannot last or fulfill me sometimes. I have been trying to be so supportive of him in that area even though I get frustrated. After 4 months of dating I went on a trip with an old friend. We were childhood friends and I ended up sleeping with him. we used protection and it meant absolutely nothing to me. I felt horrible for what I did. My flesh made me feel as though I were not thinking and I just wanted to feel wanted. I have issues with that. I came back and literally forced myself to forget it happened. My heart was not in it in any sense of the word. I have never done anything to hurt my fiance than what he doesn't know.... he thinks I am perfect.. I do everything in the world for him because the fact of the matter is I do love him and I want to be there for him forever... I just don't know if this is possible now. Wait.. it gets worse. :( months passed by... I stayed faithful I never wanted anything with anyone else.. I was on cloud 9 happy with him. I was thinking of ways to help him in school, and he is ilegal so I knew that being married would help him finally become legal and work legally. It's hard to believe but this man means everything to me. So last week.... The worst thing ever happened. I know feel doomed.,. gulity is an understatement and I don;t know what to do... I am so crushed. Last week I asked my fiance (we have been engaged for 6 weeks) if he wanted to do it in the back deat of my car. I love sex and I have a stronger drive then him. He declined me. I felt horrible, unwanted and went to see a friend of mine to go bowling. It happened . The whole time I knew I should turn around but me desire to be satisfied was uncontrolable. After that me and my fiance saw a sex therapist. I realize just how much a really love hime more than ever... He doesn;y know and has told me several times that he would not forgive cheating. So now,,, I am truly lost, scared, guilty, regretful, and every other feeling that can come from holding in a lie from someone who loves me and I love. I am one hundred percent sure I want to be with him forever.... I can control myself knowing what I want and being able to express feelings to him so that he can keep me satsfied. The other friend mean nothing and let me stress nothing to me at all. Here comes a huge catch. we got legally married yesterday without him knowing what I did. I did this to help him become legal if not I should have waited until out covenant marraige next year// What should I do? I am being pulled both ways... 1 learn from this, forgive myself and start new now that we are married and make a vow to myself and God (which I have done) to never do this again ever... for as long as we live.. But can that work? Will the guilt eat me a live and not let us have the realtionship I have always wanted with him? Tell him what I did.. I know he will leave me, he will never look at me the same or realize and beileve that it was a problem I had that I have dealth with, that I love him and that I want to make it up to him by laking him the happiest man on earth and I know I can... I really do it every day. walk away and end it without telling him why so It doens't really hurt him.. I don't want to hurt him or myself anymore but more HIM. this is the worst feeling in the whole world. Please someone help. I am at odds with the toughouest decision I have ever made. We are legally married now.. Help please. Shold I get in annulled without telling him? Is there still time? Thank you... from the bottom of my heart
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): If you REALLY love him and he REALLY loves you (and is not just using you to get a green card, DO NOT tell him and DON'T CHEAT!
Communicate your needs and teach him how to satisfy you sexually.
You can put the past behind you by feeling happy and grateful in the present - one minute at a time.
Best wishes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008):
Unfulfilled sexual needs of a woman or a man is the beginning of all pang of distress or unhappiness in any relationship. Therefore, to all you readers married or single, ask yourself; How am I doing in this regard? be candid to your parnter and speak truthfully, ask oneanother, am I making you happy... honey? What can I do to improves in our sex lives? How would you know if your partner is fully satisfies is ... ACTIONS...if he/she went his/her way to surprise you after making love with things he/she would not do ordinarily; says buying you a special gift, great drinks, preparing a special meals, or call-off work just to be with you next time or simply tells you, honey, I am looking forward to our next time together. Back to the dilemma of the poser of this interesting question or discussion, she wants to be loved, she enjoys free loaders sex, she cannot have them all. If your husband size is the issue of concerns, get over it, there are many ways you can pumped up a man to satisfy you sexually with what he has than laying there reminiscent of a good time with XYZ. Be active participant when he's making love to you, stop comparing him to your past men friends, those free loaders without any commitment, they careless of your long term needs other than momentarily urge satisfaction. If after you involved in an accident, they will probably remember you only of few minutes. Remember you are just a part of their menu pool of ladies friends. I am afraid, you let fantanzies led you astray twice; as some had suggested, it's going to happy again and again, unless you stop lying to yourself; Tell your husband the truth and show remorse and ask for his forgiveness. Be determined to break free from your past and as a married woman, respect yourself and remember whose your actions will hurt more;your husband, your family, mostly, yourself. How would you be view by throngs of relatives that attended your wedding that you slept with another man when married? You will indeed feel or worst than dirt. There's nothing more important in live than been truly "LOVED". If you want to be love, please LOVE in return. LOVE transcends any physical sex anyday anytime. Have you seen the power of love? Love and sex are two different things in relationship. When you experience the power of love, your life will never be the same again. Best of luck and good health.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 God forgives our sins if we come to Him.
You are made whole again and do not bring up this topic again
and let it be buried in the deepest ocean.
Let your healing begin as Jesus administer to you .
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A
female
reader, 143pez +, writes (2 April 2008):
143pez is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you laura and
dearkejla as well as all others. This is how I felt. I don't want to tell him I want to love him forever and forgive myself without killing him.I've been praying so much. Thanks for all your support.
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A
female
reader, 143pez +, writes (2 April 2008):
143pez is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you laura and
dearkejla as well as all others. This is how I felt. I don't want to tell him I want to love him forever and forgive myself without killing him.I've been praying so much. Thanks for all your support.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 April 2008):
 If you can get past this and stop torchering yourself AND be certain it will never happen again, do not tell him.
You need to then forgive yourself and give everything you have to your marriage.
Best wishes for a very happy marriage.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 April 2008):
Don't tell him.
You will destroy everything you have with him.
Even if it does not destroy your marriage,
your marriage will never be the same again.
What you can do is to give your burdens to Jesus
and walk away from this problem.
He will take up your burdens and forgive you .
He will forgive you and you need to believe and trust in His words.
From then on, be true to your husband.
Do not feel guilty anymore.
He has white washed you clean .
Start a new beginning and do not commit this sin anymore.
Do not be too judgmental or unforgiving of yourself.
No one is perfect and we are only human.
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A
female
reader, 143pez +, writes (2 April 2008):
143pez is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dearkelja.
What if I can put it behind me? The truth is I feel horrible about it and it is lurking an evil deed I can't get over. But what if I never want to do it again and I know I won't. I won;t cheat in marriage. I know it... I know now he can fulfill me. Should I tell him still?
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (1 April 2008):
I tend to agree with Tisha in that your sexual needs are not being fulfilled and so on some level, you feel justified. This happened twice already and I am certain it will happen again, unless your husband has worked out his issues.
The person this is bothering right now is you. You are feeling guilty and this will interfere with your marriage. If you can not put this behind you and be certain it will never happen again, then you do need to discuss this with your husband. It is a problem you both share. You're just going about resolving it in a very unacceptable manor. But unfortunately for you, I do believe it will happen again when your sexual bank account is empty.
If you tell him in the sense that this is a problem for the two of you and that you are sorry but that you think you understand why it is happening and ask if you can work with him in the sex department so that it will never happen again. He may bolt or you may have to earn his trust all over again.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2008):
 This is quite a dilemma, isn't it? My guess is that you'll get advice either to tell him or to keep it a secret forever. If you don't think you can keep it a secret forever, then you're going to have to tell him, and it's better to do it now rather than later, when your lives are so entertwined that you'll have essentially trapped him.
I have another thought about why this happened with you. I think you actually may have some repressed, deeply hidden, feelings of anger toward him for not being the sexual partner you want. But rather than fight about it with him, you chose to act on in a way that would be the most hurtful to him, had he but known it. You are getting 'even' with him, not consciously, mind you, but in some secret place in your head, you are punishing him for his not fulfilling you.
I honestly don't know what you should do but I think you need to examine your true subconscious motivations for your behavior. It sounds like a guaranteed way to have him leave you, and maybe that is what you want in some hidden recess of your heart. You can't leave him because he relies on you so much and you do love him too but at the very base of your relationship, the lack of sexual fulfillment is making you sabotage this relationship with him.
Maybe you could consider some therapy just for you, not the sex therapist with him, but someone might be able to help you think about what it is you are doing and why you are doing it...
All the best.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 April 2008):
 I think you all ready know the answer to this, but you keep on trying to talk yourself out of it. You're going to have to tell him. One thing that comes with learning and dealing is taking responsability. All though you have changed, you're still living a lie. Think of guilt this way. A small pea in your mind, and the longer you don't tell him and work through this issue the bigger that pea gets. Once it grows large enough it becomes part of both your subconscious and conscious state of mind, and will carry negative affects by not taking care of this situation.I'd wait and tell him first, then you can worry about the other issues, such as if he stayes or goes. I know you love him, but you still have to accept the consequences of your actions. Either way, you'll enter a place of relief, and in a position to deal with the issues which lead up to this problem.Good luck
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A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (1 April 2008):
Firstly find out if you can get annulled without a good reason. Even though a cheating partner is a good reason, the claim may need to come from him. Secondly, you cheated twice, there is a good chance it will happen again. You may be stuck in this loop forever, the loop of being emotionally fulfilled by him and happy, then physically unfulfilled, then physically fulfilled by someone else, then feeling guilty. Staying with him sounds like a bad idea if you will be going through this routine.Thirdly if you do want to stay with him, can you not find ways of getting around sex. I am inexperienced, but i think there are other ways of being physically satisfied without going "all the way". Fourthly, how will he react if you told him. If I was him i would feel bad because i am the one who cant fulfill my partners sexual needs. I am reluctant to say dump him because its sounds like you have found someone you truly love. Can you live with the secret, can you go on unfulfilled? Fifthly honesty is the best policy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Keep the secret! I hate women who betray their man, but in this case...I implore you to keep this secret and move on with your life as a new wife, confidant and friend. DO NOT EVER CHEAT ON THIS MAN AGAIN! Go forward with your life.
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A
female
reader, starfire +, writes (1 April 2008):
Listen if he loves you like you say than he will eventually forgive you. you owe it to him to tell him. sit down and talk about it. if ya'll are in love then he'll know you learned from it and you won't do it again. oh and also my boyfriend has the same problem! i find it helpful to have him think of something else while we are doing it...it makes him last longer!
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A
female
reader, starfire +, writes (1 April 2008):
Listen if he loves you like you say than he will eventually forgive you. you owe it to him to tell him. sit down and talk about it. if ya'll are in love then he'll know you learned from it and you won't do it again. oh and also my boyfriend has the same problem! i find it helpful to have him think of something else while we are doing it...it makes him last longer!
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