A
female
age
41-50,
*hia1978
writes:*OP's Original Title*Hello all,I need to some help with understanding whether my ex-bf has any feelings left for me. I dearly still love him.He dumped me 4 months back when he decided suddenly that we aren't compatible since I have 'a degree, a job and a house' and he had just been fired for drinking and not turning upto work. We had been together for 1.5 years and living together for 6/7 months. He had chased me for 3 months and professed his love for me before I fell in love with him. We had a lovely relationship..full of laughter and love. I travelled a bit during the time but couldn't take him since he didn't have the financial capacity and his job wouldn't have allowed it. I think he might have resented that.While I was overseas visiting my family he told me missed me but he went cold and then told me he wasn't certain what he wanted. Finally I went to visit him since he had gone back to his city and there he treated me appalingly and broke up with me. His family and friends love me. He has admitted to suffering from depression but he keeps drinking.He didn't keep in touch with me at all and I only rang him once when I was drunk - but other than that I haven't begged or pleaded. He came last weekend finally to pick his things up from my place. That entire weekend he tried to have dialogue with me and I was stern and snubbed him. I know he has been checking my facebook and knows I am dating other men. He rang me day before and told me he's missing 2 jackets - I assured him I didn't have them. Then he kept talking to me for over 2 hours till I had to hang up. He told me during the conversation that he had moved on and hadn't rung to rekindle the relationship and never wanted to be in a relationship with me. He also told me he felt no connection with me but that he wanted us to remain friends since he still cared about me. I had previously refused to remain friends and I told him now that I still cannot be friends since I have anger against him. I also asked him what difference would one less friend make to him. He didn't answer that. He told me he had formed a connection with a girl when he had gone back to his city while I was overseas. He said nothing had happened since she's got a boyfriend and she's too young. He told me the fact that she liked him instantaneously made him feel good...while I took 3 months to warm upto him. He also told me that he had searched for me on an online dating site and found me. When I asked him why he was looking for me he said he's curious. He brought up things from the previous year...some things I didn't even remember. He told me to delete all mutual friends on facebook and I told him to ask his friends to delete me...he said they won't since they like me. He knows that 2 of my friends deleted him by themselves - I didn't ask them to. I finally told him that I am dating a guy but we are just friends since I am not ready for a relationship. I told him that the guy's keen though. My ex said he was very happy for me..but I am not certain he genuinely was. He said I will surely find someone good and kept saying I have a lot of offer.I did tell him that I still love and miss him. I didn't want to lie. He asked me why I would like a person like him and I told him it's a simple thing - it's called love and it's normally blind. So I didn't play any games on the call. Now my question's this - has he really moved on? Or is he lieing to me? He said he had merely rung to find out how I am but he also told me how he's been charged with DUI...how he's still depressed...how he's still living with his parents..so basically painting a sad picture. I am confused....and need to know whether I should place any emphasis on this call....!!
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, drunk, facebook, fell in love, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 June 2010):
I have this feeling in the back of my mind that he's playing with you. It seems like he enjoys the chase, and enjoys the drama of knowing that when he says he's done something wrong, you'll be the kind shoulder. You'll find that he's been charged with DUI, and whereas everyone else thinks he's an idiot, you're the one who perhaps feels a little sorry for him. I think he's playing you so he can feel good about himself.
I strongly urge you NOT to place any emphasis on this call, and look past the blind love. Because he's just not that great. He's really not. He has some serious personal issues here that need to be dealt with before he can be in a relationship. Until he gets his own life into gear, he's not worth any of your time. After all, you don't want to end up like his mother or something. Leave him to it, and don't place any emphasis on the call.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 June 2010):
 Lord where do I begin on this.
I read what you wrote 3 times because I wanted to absorb all the sh*tty things this guy is doing to you. I also wanted to read between the lines of how your really thinking over this.
This guy has serious issues, doesn't know what the hell he wants. His judgement is clouded by drink and depression and, like most people with an addiction, he is constantly on the look out for the next fix, or word of sympathy, or manipulative move to make himself feel better.
You are obviously a good loving intelligent caring woman. You have travelled, you work and support yourself and you have the capacity to love someone.
LOVE truly has the power to blind us. People who give love genuinely, see it as a precious thing with deep meaning attached. Because we attach such emotion and power to love, we do not want to destroy it...even if we mistakenly give it to someone who isn't worthy or someone who abuses it...
It's hard to let go because love makes us believe it is the 'cure all' to any relationship problems...but sadly it isn't. Problems are problems...however much love is thrown into the mix.
You may still have love for him...but he doesn't love you. To him your a band aid. A temporary fix with some good memories attached. It's true he may still care about you, but he doesn't love you. He has messed up his life and refuses to change.
The messages he is giving you are classic of someone who is on a destructive path. Telling you he is searching for you on internet dating?, then telling you he never wanted a relationship with you? Telling you he cares for you and wants to be friends, then telling you he is interested in someone else...
It's confusing emotional cruelty...because his life is a mess and he has no control.
He is playing stupid mind games with no regard to how it's affecting you. He doesn't want you, he just wants the idea of knowing someone is there to boost his (already flawed) ego when he feels like it.
Ok so things were ok at the start of the relationship...it was a honeymoon period where everyone is excited and makes an effort...but eventually the truth 'outs' itself, the cracks begin to show and the real behaviour and nature of those involved can no longer be masked.
You got out of this relationship...darling you need to keep moving foward and eradicate him from your life completely. Simply tell him you enjoyed what you both shared at one time, but things have changed and you want to be with someone else. Then don't look back.
Sorry for the long reply but it took some analysing.
Please don't go back...you are worthy of so much more.
AE xxx
...............................
|
