A
male
age
36-40,
*ssacche83
writes:Okay, so this is my first time posting any sort of question online. I've been on and off this site for years just browsing never thinking I would ever need to post anything on here, but here I am. So here's the issue, me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 5 1/2 years now, been living together for about 4.She is 30 and I am 33 and we are both professional people. We get along great, never fight and we have really been discussing the whole children and marriage thing. So earlier in the year I purchased my first home for me and her to live in and begin our family. The house is decent sized 3 bedroom home in need of a little work and this is where the problem begins. Soon after buying the house we started making it our own by installing a new patio, installing an above ground pool, both in which she wanted. All the while we were together I was putting money away for a new car, but my girlfriend really wanted to renovate the kitchen, so me trying to be the good man, I sacrificed everything I saved to satisfy her with the new kitchen instead of my car. So we hired a company to come in and do the renovations. The company was owned by a guy she used to go to school with and he was very professional. Soon after the renovations started I would come home from work and would notice that my girlfriend would be all dressed up with makeup on and everything, she doesn't even wear makeup up until now. I also noticed she would talk about the owner of the company quite a bit but brushed it off. So on the last day of the renovation the guy was coming back over for the last payment and I noticed my girlfriend was acting strange, when he came to the door my girlfriend told me to pay him and went upstairs and would refuse to come back down. After the guy left, I went upstairs and my girlfriend was laying in bed, I laid down next to her and all she did was lay her head on my chest and cry for about 30mins and would not say why. Later on in the day I went to use her phone and noticed her password was no longer the same as it's always been, she informed me she needed to change it so her niece could no longer access it. She unlocked it and allowed me to use it to access the web. While switching between apps I noticed a string of very flirty texts containing several innuendos and texts saying "you're so cute, I like you so much, I wanna get to know you so bad, and I'm a nurse, come to my house anytime and I'll check your vitals ;-) and so on. I looked through the texts and realized it was the gut who I paid 16k to renovate my kitchen for her satisfaction. I called her on the texts and she looked like a deer in headlights. She said it was not serious, nothing to worry about, and didn't mean anything by the texts. I asked if it was the reason she changed the password and she admitted it was, she said she didn't want me to see them and get upset or hurt. I was very upset at the fact she tried to cover up her sneaky behavior and we didn't talk for 2 days. Finally she sat me down and we talked about the whole ordeal and she admitted she had a crush on the guy. Since then I've been doing something I'm not to proud of, I've been somewhat snooping. My girlfriend doesn't realise that everything she looks up on her phone, I see it on her tablet. I've seen her search for thing such as "I'm obsessed with a married man, how to attract a married man, and how to change contact names in Snapchat and WhatsApp", she's even downloaded an eBook on how to attract Aquarius men, I'm a Virgo. I haven't called her on any of this info yet, I'm just gathering. I come home today and she informs me she wants to see a counselor out of nowhere and suggested I see a counselor myself. I'm not sure why I would need to see a counselor, I have never done anything to compromise our relationship and have never broken her trust. It's been about 2 weeks now and she's complaining that I haven't been treating her the same and haven't been overlay affectionate like she wants me to be, she says it's not fair that I haven't fully forgive her yet and that I'm acting different. I don't wanna ramble on anymore, please give me some advice as to how I should handle this, what I should or shouldn't do. Some part of me feels betrayed since she is the only person I truly trust and care about. Thanks in advance.
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crush, flirt, married man, money, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (15 September 2016):
 When you confront her about this situation she's going to promise you it'll never happen again... That is the gamble you take for the rest of your life together.
Maybe this was a one of poor judgement on her behalf; it does happen to some of us. Although it appears she's done research; voyeurism into how to change names, how to attract married men etc. which doesn't quite spell trust me, this was only a crush... it spells potential intent, trouble and curiosity.
For me this is emotional cheating that took place within a small time span when this renovation took place with a familiar person to her. Whether he, the contractor reciprocated with teasing texts or encouraged her, you have not mentioned? Either way you have a tough decision to make.
I can understand you not fully forgiving her after 2 weeks but she needs to know forgiveness comes when she’s earned it as this is not something one gets over quickly IF you intend on working this out.
And as much as she’s seriously faulted, her suggesting counselling is a wise suggestion regardless how you see yourself as “never done anything to compromise our relationship.” Nobody is that perfect as something was lacking that may well help you to discover something about yourself for the future?
CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2016): hi. i think you already know what to do but just need to hear it from someone else aswell...
she has not been loyal and faithfull to you as you have been.she's obssesd with something you are not(married men,Avquirius)..i doubt she still cares about you otherwise she wouldnt be doing all this.and you've started snooping,which is wrong....call her in sit her down,and ask her politely what maybe the problem,maybe something is lacking in your relationship.maybe you could both fix it and live happily everafter again....
Good luck
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 September 2016):
 I know you loved her and trusted her. It is clear you would do anything for her. After 5 and a half years you would think that it was going to last forever, but sadly these things don't. I am pretty sure when you where out a lot more than flirting was going on between these two, if they where left in the house alone then my guess is that they have been together. She is now trying to turn it on you, tell you how much off a bad guy you are, you are not trusting her, you are not giving her enough attention. It should be her bending over backwards to give you everything, win your trust back, but no she is wanting to create distance between you both so it does not look bad for her when she is cheating on you with a married man. Look you can stay with her, keep on checking up on her, keep on making yourself miserable, or else you can stand up and say you are not allowing her to walk all over you, because that is what she is doing, she knows you will let her away with it that is why she keeps on cheating. Find that strength and tell her it is over.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Some "Girlfriend." Dump her and get on with your life... with HER in your rear-view mirror...
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): HoneyPie and I are on the same page about this. I believe this lady is really up to no good. You've found enough evidence to reach the reasonable conclusion that she isn't being faithful. Therefore; there is no further need to be snooping on her personal devices. Once you've got what you need to know, any further snooping is just a violation of her privacy.
I think investing in property and planning a family before you've even considered marriage; is putting the cart before the horse. Legally, it's a lot more complicated when you've co-signed on credit with someone who isn't your spouse. Talking about marriage isn't the same as being engaged. It doesn't make much sense to commit to a 30-year mortgage; when you can't decide when to propose.
I think she will settle for you as far as financial security is concerned. She's taking advantage of your generosity and trust. The worst case scenario is to get a kid in the picture; while she's off somewhere having an affair. Then there's a question of paternity.
Don't drag this out so long you'll start with nasty verbal-abuse and cruelty. Give it considerable thought and lay it out for her. You may as well confess what you know.
Allow her to explain. Everyone is entitled to their defense.
Make a decision. You don't need counseling. She needs to get out of your house, and go find another sucker. She's using twisted-psychology to make it your fault. If there was a problem, she should have come to you first.
Before you invest any more money, or intertwine your finances; it's best you decide what it is you're going to do. She has her mind set on someone who is married, and he may have been the guy who remodeled your kitchen.
Snooping only amounts to voyeurism. If you've seen enough, it is now time to talk and decide if you can trust her. If you can't trust her, you have no relationship. You'll continue snooping and putting the both of you through hell. Man-up and deal with it. Either forgive her, or let her go. There's nothing in-between.
As far as counseling, consider the evidence before you waste more money on her. Or, let her pay for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): You deserve so much better than this. I reckon you should leave her and find another more appreciative, more faithful and more trusting woman. You have made too many sacrafices and she is not paying you back in the same way. The minimum expectation is being faithful to your other half, but even before marriage she is not showing you this. Think twice before tying the knot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): Agree completely with HoneyPie. She cheated and wanted to cheat physically but didnt get that far. And then started blaming you for not being affectionate after YOU caught her cheating. She cried because she felt guilty and didnt even confessed til you probed her.
If youre a man, dump her ass and move on. Find a girl who would ride you all night for building her dream kitchen! I know I would if my man did that.
You are not appreciated by her at all. Respect yourself even if your girl wont!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (14 September 2016):
 It's not fair that you haven't fully forgiven her, is she for real? She hasn't FULLY stopped in with her bullshit. It really pisses me right off when spouses have the sheer audacity to palm off such deliberate behaviour as "nothing serious or nothing to worry about" WTF..thats a load of crap and nothing more than a second go at treating you with total disregard. Discounting her cheating as something trivial is disgustingly selfish. What I find alarming is research into how go about snagging a married man and further lengths to find ways you wont find out. Talk about intent. You should not feel as though you have done wrong by snooping,most times it is the only way you get truth. If people cry foul, then don't set the wheels in motion. Privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. I think you should go to counselling, not for her sake,but for yours. Personally I would be focused on working through her betrayal rather than the relationship. Crushes can last for a long time, this is not a light switch emotion and she has proven beyond reasonable doubt she is far more invested in the 'score' than 5.5 years of commitment. Do you really think nothing happened under your roof? Unless she admits to something, not knowing or her denial will eat away at the very foundation. She has given you enough to expect that you should call it quits.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Wow, I am sincerely sorry to hear you are going through this. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. You are being very calm and rational despite how I feel I would be behaving if I were in your shoes.
To me, this could and would very likely be a deal-breaker. She is not actively physically cheating on you, but that is not necessarily because she wouldn't. It sounds more like it's because she couldn't. It appears that if she got the green light, she would cheat in a heart-beat, unfortunately.
She is absolutely emotionally cheating on you. She has feelings for him and even so much as wrote "obsession." She is pining for him and trying to figure out ways to get his attention and attract him. She was also texting flirty messages with him behind your back and then changed the password on her phone!! THAT is cheating. She doesn't have to sleep with him to be unfaithful to you. It's one thing to have a crush, and quite another to act on it the way she has. I really do wonder that if he were willing, how far she would go with him. My bet is she would absolutely cheat.
You need to confront her on this. You've already collected all the information you need at this point. It's already incriminating and damning. No sense in waiting for it to go any further. I mean, she's downloading ebooks on how to attract him! That says it all.
I would confront her and really consider ending it. I know it's been 5 1/2 years, but this woman has just proven she is absolutely capable of cheating on you if the circumstance arises. To me, that's a deal breaker. She has totally broken your trust, and once that's broken, it's damn hard if not impossible to get back. Catch her off guard with your evidence and tell her you're going to walk. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2016):
 I'd sit her down and tell her that she needs to pack her stuff and get out of your house.
She was cheating with that guy and was intending on continuing behind your back. And she wasn't even subtle about it (not that it matters).
If SHE put any money into the house (other than helping to pay the normal living costs) I'd pay her some of that back. As in if she helped finance any of the renovations. If she didn't I'd simply kick her out.
She isn't going to stop. DO you really want to doubt who the real father of her children is, and if the mother of your kid(s) is running around on you? Can you imagine bringing kids into that?
And now that she got caught, she is blaming you. Seriously?
I know that you love her and all, but THIS is who she is. If she succeeded in "catching" this guy SHE would be out the door in a heartbeat. If it was me I'd rather kick her out than wait for that. If it isn't this guy, it would be another.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (14 September 2016):
 She's definitely cheating man, sorry for you to have to find out this way. I'd make notes of all the evidence and keep pictures and stuff for proof and then confront her about it then kick her out of the house as she won't have a leg to stand on.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 September 2016):
 She's cheating on you and doesn't intend to stop. She admitted that she had a crush on the guy and was talking inappropriately with him when she got caught. This is when she should have stopped completely. Instead, she's looking for methods to snare him, while blaming YOU for having changed. Not only is she a cheat and a liar, she's playing mind games with you to make you look bad.
The writing is on the wall OP.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Sounds to me like you have got into a bit of a rut (we all do it) and the appearance of your girlfriend's old school friend has brought home to her how exciting things used to be when you first met.
Woo her all over again, take her out on date nights, give her romantic massages, make her feel special. Yes, getting a new kitchen is great, but it's not what turns women on! If you make your relationship wonderful, she will soon forget about her crush and you will get her back.
And stop snooping. It is only destroying you. And if she finds out, YOU will be the bad guy.
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