A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is the upsetting situation for me with my friend. More than a year ago we went to a bar with her and I met one of the most gorgeous guys ever. He was younger and really good looking. He took my phone number in bar, and kept texting me after we already left, asking to ditch my friend and come see him in another place. We were all a little drunk, and I swear I never do this, but we ended up staying on other places until 5 am. And then started kissing in a car and had sex. He was sweet and gentle, and I did have a lot of fun that nite. More than a year passed. Of course we connected on a Facebook, his idea. He lives in Europe, travels the world. We talk, very rarely through Facebook, he looks at my pictures, I look at gorgeous him ussualy shirtless with pleasure and always smile remembering our little adventure in a car. He asked me last year to come and see him, and I took it as a joke. This year he offered to even show me around. I never been to his country though I traveled a lot. Just for the heck of it I started checking tickets, as I started planning my vacation with actually the same friend that I met him with. Tickets were much cheaper to first go to his country and then other places that I wanted to see. In a mean time he asks me again when I am coming. And I suggested to my friend this route. She said, THAT guy! I said, yes, remember him? She said, I can't believe you guys still keep in touch. Anyway, she agreed to the trip. I started planning, buying air tickets and booking hotels. When I asked him about an area, he was not very much into helping me, judging by his very short and unclear answers. I shared it with her, as it really didn't bothered me, and I really don't expect anything at all from him. If he spends one day with us, fine, if not, then it WAS all a joke to him. But what do I care? It's a beatifull country that I never visited before, and him or no him, I will enjoy my trip anyway. But since I shared it with her, she is kind of on my case right now. She can't believe how not attentive he is, and how he is not really willing to communicate this much. She even asked me if I am going to call him when we get there. Of course, I said, why would I not call him. Because, she says, he already knows your dates, he should contact you. I just laughed and asked her if she realizes that I only saw the guy for several hours under influence of alcohol. And that was awhile ago. The fact that he expressed his desire to show us around is highly unussual and very sweet of him. And even if it's not going to happen how this is so important for her. What made me very upset that she expressed her opinion that I somehow is responsible for him not being terrible enthusiastic with his replies. She also said that I am very easy to please, and it's in her mind not a good practice when it comes to men. Basically she tells me that I am easy, knowing that it's not true at all. Yes, judging by that night only, may be,I was an easy lay that night. But she should be happy for me that I had so much fun, but it feels like she is judging me. Now I am even affraid to go with her, and hear from her again that this guy is ignoring me. She doesn't even know as well as me how it's going to be, but she's aid she can predict that he is not going to care of even spending any time with us. I don't know how to make her stop all this negativity. I am looking forward to this trip, I need this vacation , and I want it to be full of relaxing and happy time. With her attitude now, it doesn't seem possible.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 OP, do you realize that you wanting her stopping what you see as her " negativity " is exactly, no more no less, like her wanting to stop what she sees as your rashness or foolishness or wishful thinking, right ?
If you believe you are doing something right and fun and good- then do it without worrying about her comments. Because, she is allowed to comment, I suppose ?- considering that she is a friend. But even if she weren't, she does not HAVE to support and applaud and cheer ALL your choices, all your opinions. I guess she is entitled to say " I think you are doing something silly " without you going vinegarish. Same as you are entitled to say " Maybe, but that's what I want to do, and I am happy with my plan ". I don't even quite see why this has to be a problem. Live and let live. Do your thing, by all means- but do not demand necessarily a round of applauses.
My guess is that, deep down, you are seeing the shape of things to come. You feel in your heart that your foreign friend will brazenly blow you off or give you the runaround, and you also feel that you won't be able to take it with the breezy indifference you affect now - enabling, by your disappointment, your friend to pipe up " Told you so told you so ".
Now, a REALLY good friend would not say " I told you so", OK. But she is just human, and the temptation will be too big. As I think you realize, and maybe it is this that actually bothers you...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): I think what OP is upset about is that her friend knew BEFORE she agreed to the trip that their common aquantanance will be in a picture. If she felt strongly about it not to be a third wheel she shouldn't have come or at least express her opinion about it. No, she first said yes, and then based on how the guy answered couple of text messages starts throwing her negative thoughts at OP. OP is not asking anyone here to validate her desicion about coming to a country where her one night stand lives. She is comfortable with it and sounds like a sane person to me, realistically looking at all facts. The original post was not about whether she is wrong or right about going to see this guy but about how to stop negativity of her friend. My opinion OP that your friend needs to hear from you that you are not going to allow her to speak to you like this degrading your ability as an adult to make conscious desicions. She is not doing you a favour by coming with you, and she is not protecting you from anything, as there is nothing there to be protected from. EVEN if you get disappointed and a little upset in case this guy displays aloofness toward you, it's you who will handle the burden of it. With that said, the repetition of a hook up with this guy now can be a bit complicated. If it will be over night when your friend is asleep anyway, that's fine, but if you decide to spend some day time with him leaving her alone that's a different story. Try to stick together as much as possible, and I am sure you girls will have a great time on your vacation.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (13 June 2013):
 Sounds like you're not really open to any opinions that are in opposition with whatever it is you want to see happen. What, do you want us to tell you that your friend is just a jealous bitch? Not gonna happen.
Nobody wants to be the third wheel, and that's exactly what your friend signed up for by agreeing to go with you on this trip. Good for her for being kind and responsible enough to not to just let you fly out there on your own. You keep saying that you're not going to this mysterious European country because of the guy, but the only reason you got the idea to make the trip is because this random dude, who you had a one-night stand with and who tells you that your facebook pictures are pretty, suggested it. So, it really isn't that unreasonable at all that your friend is nagging you about him.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 I'm with the other aunts and uncles on this. I have found myself in a very similar situation to that of your friend. While on holiday with one of my best friends, we met some guys and she hooked up with one of them. Soon after getting home she started talking about returning there together and we planned a trip. She mentioned this guy and said they might meet up. I wasn't too happy about it but she brushed off my concerns and said everything would be fine. When we got there she spent the first two days talking about him, then on the third day we met up. She'd told him that I was going to be there, too, so he brought along a friend of his, trying to palm me off on him (the guy he brought barely spoke to me but kept trying to touch me up). The day after this, she decided to meet up with her guy again and took off for several hours, leaving me on my own. I'm happy to do things on my own but that wasn't the point. We had paid a lot of money to go on holiday together and she ditched me for some guy she'd met twice. When she came back, she told me he had a girlfriend, but she continued to talk about him for the rest of the holiday. We had some fun but it felt like it was all about this guy, who she didn't even know.
If you really didn't care about him, you wouldn't be considering meeting up with him. She is probably genuinely concerned that you care more than you let on and will be disappointed if you don't get to see him. She is probably also concerned that you are going to ditch her to spend time with this guy, or that she will have to play the third wheel (even if you say it wouldn't be like that, you must know deep down that it would), or that she'll have to listen to you talking about him all the time. I think the fact that you are taking offense at what you perceive as her negativity means that you do care more about meeting this guy than you will admit even to yourself.
My advice is to go, take your friend with you, don't bother contacting the guy (shirtless and surrounded by girls on Facebook - cringe), have a great time and collect some great memories. Meet new people but stick together. She sounds like a great friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Cerebrus, you can t be more wrong if you think that ony because I am going to this guys country I am head over heals with a guy who I had a couple hours fling with. My friend is overthinking the whole thing, that's what pissing me of, because it seems like I can't convince not only her but everyone else that this guy is for me is just a pleasant few moments but nothing else. Seriously, who would plan something and depend on his action being so far from home.
I am looking his pictures like I am looking at other guys pictures who are handsome, that's all. If she is so much worried now after his replies, she should worry about it before we bought tickets. And if she agreed to this trip Bly to please me, well, it's her mistake, not mine, I didn't need any sacrifices and then bitching about it.
She did say a few thing about that night that make me think she is and was judging me about it. But anyway everyone thinking from how they would feel about it I guess, I am stoping proving myself. Thanks everyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): OP for someone who is trying to convince us of how little you care if he shows up or not you're extremely defensive about your friends valid concerns. To be honest it sounds like she's trying protect you here and you're kind of making her sound like some kind of bad guy.
I mean you turned "easy to please" into meaning "easy" sexually. How did you make that connection?
Honest opinion OP? I think she meant easy emotionally and that she feels you're setting yourself for some bitter disappointment by not being a bit more serious about him making an effort and she has a point.
I mean come on, who the hell agrees to be a third wheel on a holiday? That's my nightmare scenario, it sounds like she agreed to that to please you, so you'd get to start the holiday with some fun with a guy you like. Somehow you see her worrying that that won't happen for you as her being some kind of negative bitch. Can you not see why she may be concerned for you and perhaps concerned that you may end up over there pining for him if he doesn't show up and that it would be fairly easy to make him set up some time to see you?
I mean come on OP, someone who gushes over the topless pics (what a douche) of some guy she slept with over a year ago on Facebook cannot convince anyone that she simply doesn't care if he shows up or not. When it comes to this guy you sound like a love sick teenager just from your post.
You even talk about how you didn't invite her (your friend), you also say nothing will change and she should know that. Bullshit OP, everything changes depending on this guy. What fun would she have with you in his country disappointed, no plan, waiting by the phone hoping then maybe becoming pissed off for the rest of the trip because he was a no show. Or maybe he does show and he doesn't try and show you around just get you drunk and try and bone you?
"I am looking forward to this trip, I need this vacation , and I want it to be full of relaxing and happy time."
Oh come on OP, look at the emotion you attach to this trip already.
Look, you need to better protect your feelings here, face up to things you're convincing yourself aren't true and convince her that you'll be okay by taking positive steps to ensure your emotional protection. Either make a plan with him or make one without him OP, this up in the air, I don't care if he shows up doesn't wash with me and it's certainly not enough for her.
She's just being a friend who cares about you OP, and frankly you're going into this situation blind assuming you'll be fine when even for me a stranger on the internet this is so very important to you.
Make a plan, take her concerns seriously and listen to the suggestions and advice of your good friend here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Chigirl, that's exactly what I said, that I am NOT planning my trip around this guy ( my follow up) and never was. He is not planning our trip, how is it even possible? He simply offered to show around few places that may be only locals know. I asked him about one area thati found on line, and he didn't even know what it was.
That would be quite insane of us to wait for him around in a hotel, wouldn't be?
I think my friend is making quite a big deal out of it for nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): I agree with her! (Apart from the last paragraph).
She is only looking out for you, this guy has treat you really badly. I know you don't care, but what if you had cared and the only reason you were going was for him - he lead you on until you actually bought tickets and then just dropped you. Your friend seems to care about you - you sound very naive with men and she is just looking out for you.
Sorry if this isn't the answer you wanted, I'm just trying to be honest. Perhaos you should try to see it from her perspective? :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 I think your friend is just being realistic. And also disappointed in him, and perhaps a bit stressed out that you're leaving the planning of this trip up to a guy who cares very little and barely takes notice. I mean you're writing that you want him to show you around etc. So if he ditches you, what will you do then?
If your friend is like me, she wants things planned and predictable. She doesn't want to hang around at the hotel waiting for this guy to contact you before she can go out and to what SHE wants to do. So my suggestion is this: don't count on this guy for anything and don't even bother planning anything with him. Instead, plan things with your FRIEND who you are going on this trip with for sure. You don't know if this guy will drop by or not, or entertain you or not, but you do know that your friend will be there with you. So I suggest you plan around what you know, make plans with your friend and sort out your vacation together WITHOUT this guy in the picture. Because most probably he wont show up. And it will suck for your friend if you leave the entire trip hanging on some guy who barely stays in touch, and especially if you end up ditching her over him. I understand her lack of enthusiasm for this.
I also think you're reading too much into her "judging" you. She's your friend and has been your friend through ought these years. If she was judging you for your one night stand, surely, you'd have been made aware a lot sooner than now. What she's expressing now is that you're selling yourself (and her) short. And whereas YOU might be okay with it, she isn't. She wants you to raise your standards, because when you two are traveling together, your standards will automatically become her standards for the trip. Meaning that while you might be okay with last minute canceled plans, or him showing up last minute to do something together, she ISN'T going to be okay with it. Nor is she going to be okay with including a guy into your plans if you can't count on him to stick to it. Such as including him in the decision making process of where you are going to stay while there. Why does he get to have a say when he doesn't respond? Sorry, no, he doesn't get a say. If he was actively involved, sure. But he's passive. So you need to stop including him, because he doesn't want to be included, and your friend doesn't like including him either. Including him means you leave something up for him to decide. You wouldn't like it either if you went on a trip with a friend and she left it up to some almost random dude she doesn't know and who doesn't maintain contact, to decide where you are going to live and what activities you are going to do.
Try to shift your focus away from this guy, and just plan the vacation with your friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Sounds like sour grapes on her part (jealousy)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): This is OP. Just to clarify again. I have been to Europe many times, I visited almost every country there but his. It's a very civilized country. He knew that I was going to travel with a friend before he offered to show around. She agreed to this vacation knowing that the main reason we are going there is to see a new country and cheaper tickets, not him. His offer prompted me to look at other options, but if she said , no, we wouldn't even go there at all. It was her desicion also. Youwish, that's exactly the thing, I don't really understand why it's so important to her how he treats me. He is a complete stranger. Why would I be angry with him? Again, I am not coming to see HIM, but a country in a first place, and no one is going to "serve" him. I am pretty sure he is not married. I see his pictures with different girls all the time, how can it possibly bother me, if we only had a brief encounter and I knew this guy for a few hours. His country is just the first brief stop, then follows 2 more countries. I didn't invite her, i just suggested and we planned this trip together and discussed everything before tickets were bought and hotels booked. What bothers me here is her reaction to his replies as it is of any importance to our trip. She knows exactly that nothing will change whether he desided to show up or not. We are two well traveled adults, and can take care of ourselves. If she thought her presence there would be a huge third wheel, she should have said, no, and we would make other plans. She started this negative remarks ony after everything was booked and I just mentioned his brief answers to me, thinking that it was funny how he answers yes, ok, and simply smiley face when I told him the exact day of our arrival. Thank you for your comments. I did tell her to let's just try to have a good time without relying on his attention to us. I actually did it several times with my other travelings when I met someone in US and used their invitation to come to their country, and these people did show me around and it was a great way to see sites with the eyes of locals. The only difference was it was just friendship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Oh! I forgot to mention --
90% of the time, when you see symptoms like this, where you meet someone from out of town, they have wild sex with you, then go long distance, then they go distant when you make real steps to see them, it means ONE thing:
He's got a girlfriend, fiance, or wife.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2013):
I think you're deflecting here. You're mad at the wrong person to be honest. This guy entices you to go visit his country, then starts getting short with you and blowing you off! Why aren't you getting mad at HIM and not her?
Truthfully, keeping out the part that you're responsible for his responses, she's right. If I were your friend, I'd be advising against the trip, and flying over there to him in general. This guy is some sort of world traveler, yet he wants YOU to go to him? You've never been to Europe, but he's not helping you when you get serious about it.
Be upset at him, because her spending the money, going there with you, helping you with planning, watching out after you, and getting upset at the way he is treating you is not judgmental, but the mark of a good and concerned friend. She isn't judging *YOU*, she's judging *HIM*, and she should be!
I would happen to agree with her that you have no business running after him to serve yourself up. If he wants to see you, he should be going to you and not the other way around. The description of him "When I asked him about an area, he was not very much into helping me, judging by his very short and unclear answers. I shared it with her, as it really didn't bothered me, and I really don't expect anything at all from him". I don't know about you, but going to see a guy in a foreign country, only to have him get all distant, would infuriate me to no end. European vacations from the US are expensive!
No, your friend is looking out for you, so don't deflect onto her. Just talk to her and say "I know you're looking out for me, and I couldn't be more grateful that you care enough about me to look after me. You totally may be right, and he's jerking my chain, but can you help me make the best of this and go just for the adventure of it? I don't think I would enjoy it as much without you being as excited as I am to see (fill in the attractions/places/people). He may have been pulling my chain, but let's have a blast anyways!"
Think of it this way -- she knows nobody there, and her presence would be a HUGE third wheel if you two meet up, and if he did see you, you'd go off with him, leaving her to herself. All things considered, I'd want her to be MY friend any day! She's there for you. He is not.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 I believe your girlfriend has a valid point for concern when you do not know enough about this man yourself. Be it you’ve kept in touch with him; he suddenly went quiet when your plans went into motion… I can only speculate that he didn’t want or know that you’d bring your girlfriend along and wanted you to come alone? I’d be very cautious if that is the case as you’d be on his tuff.Be it you don’t mention his country of origin I’m thinking on a precautionary level for you not to travel alone. As don’t forget; this Mr. Gorgeous also has one night of adventure to base his judgement of you, for maybe a bit more adventure :) Which naturally would put your girlfriend in a position of being ditched again?Therefore I’d understand her negativity before travelling with you when taking this holiday and visiting this same guy is on your intended agenda. After all who likes to be invited one minute and then ditched the next? Of course if and when he proofs genuine in showing you ‘both’ around then she shouldn’t be made to feel like a third wheel as it’s her holiday too. If you and he wish to have time together, that’s perfectly acceptable and you just simply arrange this with your girlfriend that you’d like this free time and that way someone knows you’re safe etc. Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 June 2013):
The wrong travel partner can ruin a vacation... I'd think twice about going with her unless it's too late. You can always do your own things while there, so you don't need to feel tied to her.
I'm not getting something though; have you actually asked her to knock it off? Tell her you're a grown woman and, while you appreciate her advice, you don't need it right now, especially when it's judgemental.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Im on her side. You booked a trip because of someone you briefly met that you fancy who gave you fake offers of showing you round and now youre actually coming it's clear he had no intension of actually being with you or meeting you when you arrive. Even if you went right next door he wouldnt want to see you. So i can see why she is anxious
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