A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is really weighing on my heart.I'm confused about whether my friend is going to get back with his ex wife or if he wants to. My big question is, I heard that she has another boyfriend and she cheated when they were married. I feel like it's second hand and I shouldn't tell him unless I can prove it.The question is, how can I prove it? And if I can, should I tell him??I've thought about this for a long time. I realize I truly love my friend. I love him as a friend, and I also love him as more. But, what I feel for him is real and it's sincere. I want whatever is best for him, above all else and no matter how badly it hurts me.Well, he used to be married, but that was before I knew him. He separated from his (ex?) wife before I met him. A month ago, he told me he didn't want to go back to her or have a committed relationship with anyone. But things have changed and it seems like he's gonna go back to her. All our mutual friends used to do stuff with him and she seems to have taken my place in his heart and life. We used to go out and do stuff and now I'm in the cold and he's always going out with her and it's killing me.I've been devastated because in the past, he seemed really interested in me and he seems to have lost interest. He told me he just loves me as a friend now. I feel so confused. If he even cares, how can he hurt me like that?I heard from a mutual friend that she cheated on him. I know for a fact that she's an evil woman. I know her, and she's a demon. One time she attacked me, physically attacked me, when we were alone because she's jealous of my friendship with him.She was emotionally abusive, I know this because his mum told me. A mutual friend told me that she cheated when they were married and now that they're separated, she has another boyfriend, even though she wants him back.I'm angry and terrified they'll get back together because then my hopes of finding love will be dashed... but I realized that the most devastating thing is, that this woman isn't the best thing for him. If she were good and loving, then I could just suck it up and die of a broken heart alone.But I'm determined not to give up on my love for him because I've thought about it and realize I'm the one who cares.Of course, if I can somehow prove she cheated, I worry that he'll be profoundly hurt.Should he be made aware that she cheated and that she'll do it again?And how is it possible to find proof?I am ready to take a big verbal reprimand for this and I'm sure people will judge me but I know in my heart that I truly love him.It might be dangerous, I'm well aware of that but well... I love him.Thanks if you can help.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Sounds like he loves her and wants her back with all her faults. He has also told you he loves you as a friend. You are bordering on becoming obsessive in getting this guy at all cost.
I suggest you start the no contact rule and try moving on. Your friend does not feel the same way you feel and you cannot make him love you or forget his wife.
You are going to lose the friend and get hurt if you continue to involve yourself in his life, also you can be seen as a jealous woman that just wants to stir trouble. Its upto him if he wants to play with fire and he is an adult and has a mind of his own. You will lose this friendship if you dont back off.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 June 2013):
 If she is such a horrible person he'll figure it out on his own. If she cheated on him, he'll figure it out on his own. If he realizes you can offer him more, he'll figure it out on his own. In other words butt out of his business and let him figure things out on his own. Your only option is to get busy with your own life. I'm afraid that's not what you want to hear but you mostly are wasting your time with this guy. Back off and see what happens but don't waste the precious life you have been given chasing rainbows.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): I think you have to take the old saying to heart "If you love him, set him free. If he comes back he is truly yours....."You are not the person to give him that information IF you ever want to have a relationship with him. He will have to work it out for himself, and HE WILL. The truth will eventually come out.He has told you, he only loves you as a friend now. You can not make him love you more or in a different way. And in fact, the more you chase him, the more you will most likely push him away. The best idea, is for you to remain his friend, and move on with your life as best you can. Best case is: Maybe time away from you will help him to miss you and rekindle some old feelings.For now, it sounds like he needs time to sort himself out and he most likely wont be having a relationship with anyone.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (12 June 2013):
Putting up a fight for a man never works. They will go where they want to in the end. The worst thing is when they ping pong backwards and forwards having their cake and eating it.If he has kids with his wife, that would possibly explain why he wants to give it another go.But anyway, I'd say don't waste too much emotional energy on trying to keep him. I'd be inclined to cut straight to the chase and issue the "me or her" ultimatum then get on with your life.I do genuinely think that women degrade themselves fighting over a man. The world is full of men, after all. You could love someone else with less complications in the future. Wouldn't that be much less trouble all round?I hope things work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): You are clearly high on love at the moment because your thinking is clouded.But I'll help you to see clearly. There are 2 things her1) His relationship with his ex wife2) His relationship with youYour business is his relationship with you. It is none of your business who else he is spending time with now. He has told you that he doesn't want to have a committed relationship with anyone yet a month later, he is apparently back with his wife. That means he was telling you that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. He has lost interest in you and told you that he only loves you as a friend. He's been so clear about this that you pursuing him in a romantic way is harassing him. He could legally get a restraining order on you if you keep pestering him. So I'll repeat. He does not want to be with you and that's all you need to know. His relationship with his evil, demonic, cheating, abusive wife is *** None of your business***Stay away from them both.As for yourself, you need some serious support from friends and family because you are obsessed with this man. 'I'm determined not to give up on my love for him because I've thought about it and realize I'm the one who cares.'It doesn't matter how much you love him because he doesn't love you back. You cannot force him to come back to you. Even if you were able to prove that she is the demon you say she is, he won't come back to you. In fact, he will probably distrust your motives for telling him this truth and he will resent you for telling him this unpleasant truth.'I'm angry and terrified they'll get back together because then my hopes of finding love will be dashed''If she were good and loving, then I could just suck it up and die of a broken heart alone.'These are extreme reactions and melodramatic thoughts to have. You might want to consider seeing a therapist to help you realise that you don't have any hope of finding love with this man. To help you will not die of a broken heart. That you will not die alone. You're in a really bad place - please seek professional help.
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