A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please bear with me, I will try to keep this concise but it isn't easy.The first week of August 2010 I began dating a woman. I am 30 she is 33. I had only been dating casually for the past few years, and generally tended to be the one that was less interested during a relationship. I have never had a problem attracting women.We met through friends, and immediately hit it off. She seemed to be a fairly stable, just-returned-to-college lady that took good care of her kids (she has two, 5 and 10) and had a good head on her shoulders.For four months we had an absolutely perfect relationship. Not a single argument. Great sex, cherished each others company, no drama. In late November I told her I loved her, and she immediately started crying and said she loved me too and had been waiting to tell me. We had over 1500 texts between us. She said things like:I love you always and forever. I will never hurt you. I will never leave you. You are god's gift to me. You are the perfect man. I love you so much it is unhealthy. I love you, first thing in the morning, and last thing before we went to sleep. She couldn't stop touching me, hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand like it was the last moment we had on the earth together.Midway through December she suddenly began to seem tired a lot. She stopped initiating sex, although she never refused it. She didn't go out of her way to touch me, or would let her hand be limp when I would go to hold it.Yet she still would text things that indicated the same or stronger feelings, and indicated long-term things. (For example, talking about how excited she was that her son was getting closer to me and that I would be a great example to him, and wouldn't be a guy that would just leave someday.)I started asking her if she was okay, if there was anything I should know about. She would always say she was just tired, or worn down.ALSO, at about the same time this started, she began to be very argumentative when I would question her on certain things she began doing. She would stay at work for hours after close and not answer her phone or respond to text. Now, for the first few months she always wanted me to come to work at closing time to walk her out, or to pick her up if she was staying with me. She stopped asking me to do this, or would actually not tell me when they were finishing up.Then, one night I went to the bar during the evening, and two guys were sitting a few seats away. One of the guys who is talking to her suddenly asks her out on a date. She glances at me, laughs nervously, and brushes off his question. She didn't introduce me.Later we argued about it, and she said she shouldn't have to go out of her way to tell me what she is doing if she doesn't answer her phone for hours on end, and that she lets some customers who tip well think she is single because they will tip more.SOOOO...First week of January, she says that we need to take some time to reevaluate things. That I need to consider not taking pills anymore (which was way out of left field because I don't have any addiction issues with anything) because she thinks they make me irritable and argumentative. BUT, she loves me with all of her heart and we are not breaking up. And, she asks repeatedly to "Please tell me if your feelings change towards me for any reason, don't leave me all alone in the dark."After a few days, she had not called or texted or come by a single time. When I called her she seemed distant, and cold. She seemed to be purposefully not communicating about things, when we had always made it a point to have good communication. But she reiterated her previous "promises" and I love you's.Then, she just completely stopped contacting me. Zip. Nothing. After two weeks I began asking what was up, and she would only give vague and short answers.Then, a week ago, I was at a friend's house who lives nearby, and when I left (at about 9:30 in the evening) I sent her a text saying I was gonna drop by and pick up the Christmas gifts she and I had made for my sisters (I have four sisters).When I got to her house, all of the lights were out except her living room tv, and there was another vehicle also there. I knocked on the door, and after a few minutes she cracked the door, saw it was me, then slipped out and shut the door behind her. She asked me what I was doing there.I was in shock. I just looked at her, then finally asked her if there was anything I should know about. She said nothing. Finally she said she would call me the next day.The next day she texts and says she hopes I didn't feel weird about what happened, but it wasn't what I was thinking. When I asked her what it was, she did not reply.It has been five days since then, I have not spoken again to her, and my friend who lives nearby said the vehicle has been there the whole time.Last night I went out to our downtown bar area (a different part of town than where she works). Around closing time, as I was finishing up my last beer on a bar balcony, New Orleans-style, I look down and see her with another guy, holding hands and eventually kissing.And it was the guy from the bar that asked her out on a date in Mid-December.WE NEVER EVEN BROKE UP!!! We didn't have any major discussion about things maybe not working, we didn't have any ultimatums. We didn't have a single "let's try again" moment.HERE'S THE QUESTION:Is there ANY reason why I should believe that she meant ANY of what she said when we were together? And what reason could she possibly have if we had a great relationship to do this in a matter of weeks, while still telling me she loves me, which was one of her last texts two days before I dropped by her house?Is this okay because it was somehow while we were not together?Am I right in thinking that this is the cause of the sudden change in "intensity" on her part around mid-December? And why she started looking for things to blame me for, such as taking pills? (On a side note, I completely stopped taking ANY kind of pills as soon as she said she thought it was causing problems.)And most importantly, have any of you had similar experiences and if so what happened?I thought I had found my soulmate, and absolutely loved her more than any woman before.Sorry for the long post!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Just went through similar situation.
Man has 5 kids who worship me, no mother in picture.
Adored me, texts all day, throughout night as he woke, calls, drives 45 minutes just to see me 15 min. Diamond bracelet, expensive gifts, promises of tomorrow, planned to move here in June. He asked to marry me 100 times, he and his family so grateful to God for sending this precious gift to them.... Blah blah blah.
One day, he just didn't call!!! No texts either.
After incessant texting on my part telling him to not ignore me, I get a "no more!! Good luck."
These people are sick. Just mentally deranged and miserable!
A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Sad story my friend. Although, i haven't been in a similar situation unfortunately my "never trust a woman" theory finds confirmation once again through your story. Just be careful next time, don't trust women so easily. Regards.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (6 February 2011):
 I think she was infatuated with you in the beginning of your relationship. I do believe she meant what she said at that time. What you need to look at is the period in time where her actions did not lineup with her words. This is when the problem started.
She met someone else in December and did not have the decency to tell you. The way she treated you was not right. You had a right to know. She probably was holding on to you in case things didn't work out with the other guy. This was unfair and dishonest.
In time you will count yourself lucky that you did not end up with this woman. I can't be completely sure, but she strikes me as an opportunist. In other words, she uses people. A better deal came her way, so she decided to go for it. That's cold. I do not believe this woman is capable of the kind of love you deserve.
In the eyes of the world you are a young man. There is a woman out there that will truly love you. Just remember, "actions speak louder than words."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): You have been badly treated. She lead to along and then cheated on you. It is sad but you need to stop agonising about it. She got you hooked and then reeled you in - then tired of you and cheated. You are better off without her. Her feelings were not worth a jot. Sorry, but put it down to a bad experience.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (6 February 2011):
It is very clear that your gf suffers from personality issues and disorders
And she is using you and menupalting you
So try to get over her and don't waste your time over her
She definitely doesn't deserve your goodness or your time
good luck
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (6 February 2011):
She's cheating on you. We can hardly tell you why of if you did something to cause this. But it doesn't matter at all because cheating is wrong. No matter what.In this particular case there is a couple of things that make it worse. Because she's with the guy that asked her out in front of you. And then, she seems to want you around her anyway. From what you have wrote I think she may be interested in you (for being a good guy to marry) and going out with this guy for many, for example. I'm just guessing.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 This is in no way acceptable behavior on her part, so stop blaming yourself for anything. It seems from what you have written that you have been played. If she thought there was any problem in the relationship, she should have at least had the decency to have spoken to you about it. She is clearly stringing you along for whatever reasons she might have...and its clearly evident she's cheating on you.
She is looking for reasons to blame you so that you seem like the psycho who's imagining things while she carries on with her antics.
Just get out of this mess before you're caught deeper in this web of lies and deceit. Trust me, nothing is worth this mess...she is an illusion of a soulmate...players can customize themselves to be anyone's soulmate. The man she's having having the affair with is probably thing of her as his soulmate too! Leave right now with dignity. You can do much better than this.
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