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writes:Hello Ladies,I guess I am looking for your advise. Would you want to know? I caught my sister inlaws husband cheating. I have to work with him in a family business. He is a senior member of his church and the person he is cheating with was once the babysitter of his 4 children, a family friend and a member of his church. She is now 22 and he is 49. His excuse was he lives in a marrage without touch. What? He and his wife have not had sex in 3 years. I told him he he needs to stop and tell his wife. He asked me not to say anything to anyone and he would stop the relationship but he can't tell his wife because he cannot loose his kids. The whole thing is pathetic. He spends countless hours on the phone with this girl. The girl comes to family events and I watch her interact with my sister inlaw like all is normal.(very humiliating if she new). The whole thing is morally corupt. The only reason I have said nothing to his wife is I don't want his children hurt. I guess I should also say I have evidence of the infidelity. Emails, Letters and Phone bills etc. Thanks for you input.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): I will tend to side in some respects with the husband of the sister-in-law, only in regards to his wife not meeting her BIBLICAL RESPONSIBILITIES to meet the sexual needs of her husband. Having said that, the husband is wrong, dead wrong. You should read the passages of the Bible on confronting this family friend. Go to one of the Deacons from his church and confront the husband again. Both the husband and the wife should go to a sex counselor to determine the cause of this drastic measure on the part of the husband. I found a Christian Wed site yesterday that was really open my eyes to sexual freedom-"CHRISTIAN NYMPHO" I know the title seems a bit strange but those women seem to be very Biblically based. Maybe your wife could introduce the web site to the sister-in-law. But the husband needs to be confronted by MEN-You and one other from his church. Do not embarrass this man, for it will reek more havoc on his already fragile ego. I know we all tend to want justice, but consider the justice our Lord gave to the woman at the well or the woman caught in the very act of adultery?? Be firm, but also be respectful and confront in love (Godly love).
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Oh man, don't pity him. If he can't afford to loose the kids he shouldn't have been cheating. End of story. But I wouldn't get too involved. Tell him the game is over, and now he needs to get rid of this other woman. Make sure she doesn't show up again. And then tell him you will tell his wife unless he tells her first. Give him a set time frame too to spook him into it. He needs a kick in the butt. Be firm. This man will continue to cheat if you let it slip, and it just isn't fair to your inlaw sister.
At least that would be the ideal thing. But, you can ask the sister what she thinks of cheating in a marriage. Maybe she is ok with it for all we know... Some people would rather have a marriage and not know about the cheating, than knowing about it and having a divorce/go through all the pain of fixing up the marriage again. Plus, you don't want to be the bringer of bad news.
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female
reader, WhateverMovesThee +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Your sister-in-law's husband...your brother? Uh ho..You don't want to hurt the kids but you know what, if he gets caught in the act by someone else and rumors start spreading, thats worse. You should tell the wife and allow her to make the decisions about this. Her husband is pathetic and she has the right to know. Then, she can decide if she wants marriage counseling, divorce, or religious guidance. Let her have copies of your evidence. Its better she knows. When someone else learns of the affair, they can do so much more damage. Shes the wife and mother, she'll figure out whats best for herself and her children.
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female
reader, jessbelle +, writes (27 September 2010):
Regardless of whether he is/you are/anyone is involved in a church, in my view the principle that should be applied here is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If someone, especially a friend or relative knew your spouse were cheating on you and not being honest, wouldn't you want someone to tell you out of love and respect for you? I agree that you should first confront him, which you have, yet he continues. The girl coming to the family events is over the top.
Also, re: the last poster's point about the "admonishment abt. withholding physical contact....I would think there may be a very good reason why your sister in law isn't interested in having sex with this man. 22 and 49? That tells you something right there...again...my opinion and experience.
I was in your position once with a dear friend, and I chose to tell her as I would have wanted someone to tell me so that I could live my life accordingly. She confronted her husband and then moved out with her child. It was terribly difficult initially, but she has thanked me over and over as she went on to meet the love of her life. She believes that if I had not spoken up, she would still be living in that humiliating situation. Believe me, it is humiliating whether you tell her now or she finds out after it has been going on for years to know she lived that lie. What's more, she may also find out that you knew and said nothing.
How would you feel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Hey bud!
Im sorry you had to be finding out like this. First off, what a hypocrite. Second, he should have learned that communication is a key ingredient in maintaining any relationship and he failed to tell his wife (your sister) about his concerns. Therefore, he's posisbly immature. He went and made his decision now he must know the consequences of it. I see he works with you in a business...dont let this prevent you from doing what is morally right and that is telling your sister of your concern. Normally, Id say stay the hell out and respect the privacy of the relationship but because this is family, it needs to be addressed. Confront your sister, show her proof if she needs reassurance, and help her split with this a$$hole. Who does he think he is Alan on two and a half men dating a 22 year old lol? What a tool, an insult to marriage, and disrespectful man to you and your sister. Your sister deserves an honest man and you deserve a good in law relationship as well as workplace relationship. Best to you :)
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Yes, the whole thing is morally corrupt, but there's more than one offense happening. Sounds like you are religious, so I can give it to you in that context.
The overriding offense is definitely the infidelity. Adultery is one of the most grievous offenses that can be committed in a church setting, and with a senior church member (such as a pastor, elder, someone else in authority or respected lay-person), it's particulary tough because it will affect many other people when, and I say WHEN it's found out. There is absolutely no excuse he could give that could possibly justify it.
However, according to most religions, in the New Testament, there's an admonishment about "witholding" physical contact from one's spouse precisely to avoid this kind of temptation. If it's true that they haven't had sex in years, that should be addressed, as that's an untenable situation for most marriages (unless there are issues of health).
The guy should NOT have started an affair. What he should have done is to address the situation with his wife and have a trusted counselor work with both of them in order to restore that part of their marriage. There's an honorable way and a dishonorable way to handle this issue.
Now we come to what YOU should do. If you go by your religious code, the first thing you should do is confront him directly, which it sounds like you've done. Next, you should take 2 or 3 other elders of the church and confront him together with the evidence of what he's done if he won't quit or come clean with his wife. If he still persists, then you involve the pastor, and his eventual conclusion would be expulsion from the church as long as he's currently "in sin".
If he quits the affair and cleans up his life, he then can be restored. However, he has a long road ahead with his wife. You should emphasize to him that it WILL come out, and that it's not a matter of IF, but WHEN.
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