A
female
age
51-59,
*eardrop3
writes:Hi not sure if I am being silly here but need advice so I can make up my mind about something but I have since discovered that my partner of 1.5 years is paying off a nearly £18,000 loan which will take about 4 years to pay off and was shocked to be told that he spends about £1000 on his daughter at Christmas.Am I right to have second thoughts?? His daughter is 17 and is very spoilt and pampered as well as ill mannered,he still tops up her phone and I told him that she gets EMA and that she should be paying for that herself as she has to learn finances before going to Uni next year but what I have said has fallen on deaf ears.Can anybody help? x
View related questions:
christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 November 2011):
 well i pay for my kids cell phone bills and the youngest is 25... just easier here for that to happen and my partner accepts readily that my children are my responsibility even as adults. (heck my father still helps me with MY bills sometimes)...
as for my debts... I had many.. my partner wanted to be with me debt free his option was to accept my debts and me where I was or do something about it. I was content to pay off debts from a prior relationship to the best of my ability while building a life with him.
He had none of it... so he paid off my debts.
"why i have to pay for everything when we go out"
stop paying.
and then stop going out if you don't want to pay.
A
female
reader, teardrop3 +, writes (9 November 2011):
teardrop3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo not jealous at all of her but she treats her Dad like dirt just like his ex wife did.I have tried to tell him gently not to accept the way she treats him so no not jealous just concerned as there is nothing to be jealous of. I have a daughter the same age who has been taught to respect other people and not use them ect to which she does...she treats my partner more like a Dad than his daughter does!
I know how much he makes and the loan takes a large chunk of his wages...the reason I know is that I asked why I had to pay for everything when we were out yet his daughter gets everything.....no it's not a jealous thing!! so he told me.I love him but.......Thanks to everybody that replied x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): People have different ideas on debt and spending - some are comfortable carrying debt, some aren't. Some people are spenders and some savers. I'd say if you come from different outlooks on this, you are heading for ongoing tensions. Ideally you should be honest with each other and try and blend your approachs to money. You are right to be worried - this could irritate you no end in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): Since you don't say how much money he makes, an 18K loan and 1K at Christmas may or may not be a lot of money. The thing that you need to work out before you move in together are how you are going to handle money. Will it be both of you putting your money together in one pot, or will you divide the household expenses down the middle, or whatever. The point is, you must work this out before you go any further.
...............................
A
female
reader, teardrop3 +, writes (8 November 2011):
teardrop3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response.Apparently his ex wife started the loan years ago and he is left paying it and will not ask for her share of money to pay it...and apparently his daughter has always had a thousand pounds spent on her at Christmas time and each time she went to stay with her Mum he would give her £100 to spend,she wants for nothing really. I have a 17 year old daughter who knows the value of things and saves up for things and has always worked since she had a paper round apart from the time her Training scheme ended then she got onto another one....I am not comparing both girls but what worries me when his daughter goes to Uni will he be forking money out then also behind my back (we are supposed to move in together when she goes to Uni as he has more or less asked me to wait till she goes to Uni so he can then get on with his life when she goes) God knows what to think x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): Pampered and ill mannered,yes sounds like you have made up your mind about her already. I would back off. If she was yours would you describe her like that? I personally think you are jealous.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 November 2011):
Hmm. I do see where you're coming from here. Don't get me wrong, if I had a daughter I'd probably spoil her a bit too! But not to the point where I was £18,000 in debt!
There are two things that really bother me here. The first is obviously the debt - if he's £18,000 in the hole and spending £1,000 on his daughter every Xmas, well that would suggest some serious financial mismanagement that might well affect you in the future. Let's not forget that your credit rating later on can be affected if you've had joint accounts etc with someone who has been in debt.
The second problem here is the lack of honesty. He's never really been clear about this debt - you've found out over time of your own accord. If someone isn't honest about something like this, what else aren't they being honest about?
I would say that there are a few red flags here that you need to look at. Realistically, is this man worth the potential hassle? If he had been honest about the debt, maybe. If he wasn't spending even though he's in debt, maybe. As it is, he might be real trouble and his actions could directly affect you later on.
...............................
|
