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female
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*unnydays
writes: Hi. I asked a question on 18 July 2005 and got some great advice. Basically to make it short me and my man have been dating for 6 months. He started a new job working long hours and I have been stressed with work so things haven't been good. He said that he is happy BUT doesn't love me, feels that something has been missing lately and doesn't have that zing/wow factor anymore. BUT can't imagine being without me, loves what we have, thinks I am a wonderful/awesome person, can see the big picture for us and even tho something is missing, he thinks it can be fixed. I was confused as hell about it but after the advice I decided to try and wait it out and see what happens. But things are no better. We talked again and he said that he really wants the relationship and knows he isn't treating me like he should but our relationship isn't tip top like it used to be. He told me I am the perfect women/everthing that he wants in his partner but he can't understand why he isn't happy. He is worried that he loves the idea of our relationship but not me. So I think what he is saying is I have all the qualities that he wants in a partner and I treat him exactly how he wants to be treated but I don't make his heart pound. But yet he said before the new job everything was perfect! He has promised to make a effort as long as I realise he is working long hours and can't expect him to active with me everything night. But my question is, say if he does start to make the effort etc.. and things become better do I really want to be with a person that is questioning whether its the idea of the relationship that he wants and not me? I really could be setting myself up to get my heart broken! Help!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (22 July 2005):
I agree with Irish49, if he has admitted that he's not as devoted to the relationship as you are then he's unlikely to change.
Give him another chance to prove himself, but if he fails to display any further commitment to the relationship then I would seriously consider leaving. It will be awfully difficult leaving somebody you love, but there is nothing worse being trapped in a loveless relationship and losing your confidence and self esteem because you feel unlovable.
Some people are simply incapable of participating fully in an adult relationship, but continue to date in the hope that they themselves will change.
No matter what happens, just remember you are a wonderful person and fully deserving of a devoted relationship.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): Thank you for providing more information on your situation. You've put a lot more into perspective. While I appreciate your b/f's honesty about his feelings, he's not committed and I think you deserve a more dynamically, balanced & caring relationship. It doesn't sound like your guy shows much emotional involvement in this relationship. What does he want then? Just a place to hang out? Somebody to cook and fulfill his sexual needs. You do not need to settle for that I know it sounds harsh but you need to ask yourself if he is just using you to satisfy his pleasures.
You are worth giving time and energy to... You are important and so are your interests, experiences and problems. Your partner needs to acknowledge that and he needs to be there for you when you need him, not only when he needs you.
You need to look at why he isn't willing to work hard at it. For whatever reason, your b/f is incapable of providing this for you and even though your relationship is still in it's infancy (6 months), it should be fun and still be a time of joyful discovery for you both. My feeling is..he's gotten bored & he's taking the relationship for granted. He's possibly got a self-centered, immature view of intimacy & love and is thinking only of what HE can get out of this relationship not what he can give back to you. In other words, I honestly don't think he's capable of giving you that, until he matures and dumps the "me, me" attitude. So you see..he's got the problem..NOT you!
Trust your gut feelings because they will inform you that "something is wrong." These feelings should be trusted. For instance, diminishing intimacy, lack of caring, less interest, a non-committal attitude like they don't care, are all outward signs, he's losing interest. Basically, if you feel he's closing off the heart to you, then the relationship may be in trouble. You owe it to yourself..to leave this relationship-if he can't or is not willing to work and give your more.
Talk to him one last time and tell him firmly and exactly what you need in a relationship and he still shows little or no interest in your relationship then I would think about letting go and looking elsewhere for Mr. Right.
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reader, kt  +, writes (22 July 2005):
 well, if i was you i would get rid of him its not fair on you to keep you waiting like this and its deffenitly not fair to say that about you and you never know that could be a hint.
but i dont know him as well as you, it could the stress of work bringing him down or something else he could even be cheating on you.
there is not much you can do in a stuation like this, look after number one and do what is best for you and your heart - sit him down and have a sirous, meaningful and maybe even a final talk, you will know what to say when it comes to, just say everythink that has been on your mind and the longer you leave it the harder it will get, and if you decide not too, well the problem will still be there in the morning.
good luck!!
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