| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: High School Sweethearts. I came in the military and decided that my boyfriend, at the time, was my one and only. Once in the military, we kept a long distance relationship, and after school got engaged. Drinking became a problem, better yet, an addiction. Things were thrown around and more importantly he started "fleeing". Literally leaving the home one day and not returning for a couple of days. No phone calls no nothing. When not drinking, he's awesome, but it's very far and few between. I got orders and we relocated. 12 yrs. later (starting from high school), we have 2 children. He is very distraught with the realization that he was making $18.00 an hour and now making $8.00 an hour. He felt less of a man. The relocation was the beginning of a long nightmare that has not stopped. He still "flees" on any given day of the week and still won't stop drinking. He says he has never cheated on me during any of his fleeing escapades. But as everyone knows, your insecurity level go down, down, down, when you are faced with bizarre acts like this. There was a time when I could not see myself w/out him, but now I can only see my future. I can not allow my children to accept the fact that daddy walks in and out of their life, freely, with no explanation and no regard. I love him, but I can do bad by myself. I am in the military and can not afford the police visits to the house when there has been a heated, drunken arguement. And I am tired of the ups and downs of my emotions when I think that things have finally gotten better but they haven't. We also found out later on in life that he can not read and that his parent were never there for him. I wonder if that is why he is the way he is or am I just making more excuses for him. I could go on forever but I will just let you in on a "piece" of my life. Please Advise
View related questions:
cheated on me, drunk, engaged, long distance, military Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, emmakatlin  +, writes (8 June 2008):
i live with a drinking partner and ive finally had enough he promises to change but then just goes back to his old ways i dont feel like he loves me and his drink is first priority and it hurts to the point that my own life starts to fall apart. I think you have a chance to move on and I would I moved on and came back and now this time its harder to leave I would leave while you are in a good job drunks hardly change and if he does consider then taking him back otherwise he is holding your beautiful life and you will loose friends like I did it gets so much worse i am 40 now and wished I had done it in my good years
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (27 July 2005):
This is not good for you and not good for your children. this man has had enough chances and blown every one.
Personally i would leave him as this is possibly the only thing you can do top make him face up to reality and get a grip on his life if it is not already too late.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): Alcoholism is known as a family disease. An alcoholic, like your husband, can totally disrupt family life and cause harmful effects that last a lifetime. Strongly consider leaving your husband if he refuses to get help for his alcoholism. Begin attending an Alanon group for support in establishing safe, and tough boundaries and confronting your husband with his disease. Obtain support from your family in refusing to accept abuse, including calling the police if he threatens to harm you, the children or himself. Start preparing and get as much outside support for you and you children as you can.
It is possible that your husband may agree to stop drinking but not reach out for help with his problem. Do not accept this behaviour..insist he get help. Your husband's recovery will need to include not a only his acknowledgment that he is suffering with alcoholism, but a social support network to assist in his recovery. AA meetings could begin this process, but it is also possible that your spouse would benefit from an inpatient hospital treatment program which includes family support groups and follow up care. Check into the programs available in your community and require that your husband investigate his options.
If your husband is willing to get help, he will need to explore a new relationship to work, family and the overall meaning of his life. Alcoholism is a disease which affects memory and neurochemical pathways in the brain. Unstopped, he may not be able to recover brain structure that can become lost forever. It is a disease that progresses from behavioral, social and relationship damage to organic brain damage which may not be reversible.
Your husband needs help. But if he will not get it, you will need to consider cutting your losses while your children are young, (assuming they are younger) rather than falling prey to the ongoing ramifications of this disease. You need to be concerned about your husband's negative effect on your kids and the erosion of your own confidence and self-esteem. These are the inevitable results of living in an abusive environment. The good news is that you are recognizing these effects hopefully, early in your children's lives. The bad news is that things are not likely to get better without treating the alcoholism.
Your children are counting on you to take charge of their safety and well-being. If you do not, you are also culpable for any abuse they suffer from not leaving a potentially dangerous and psychologically damaging situation. Though it may be difficult for you, your awareness makes you a critical link to your children's future as well as your own. Invite your husband to be a part of the solution. But do not stop there! Seek your own support and counseling to establish boundaries for a healthier and happier lifestyle. You and your children deserve it!
...............................
A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (22 July 2005):
 His childhood may explain the way he's acting, but it doesn't excuse it. The behavior is harmful to you and to your children, in more ways than one. As you mentioned, in addition to the psychic harm this is doing to everyone, he's threatening your livelihood as well—your means for providing your children with a good home.
I'm afraid the only choice here is to take a hard line. He's got to clean up or you can't be with him, and he can't be around the children. Lots of people do well with AA, but there are other programs, too. He's got a long, hard climb back up to himself and unfortunately, the only thing you can do to help him is to stand firm on this.
A warning: it could actually get worse for him (and you, by extension) before it gets better. He may have to tumble farther before he's willing to change. So I'd advise getting some support for yourself as well, since it may be hard to keep your resolve knowing he's struggling with this. And it might be helpful, too, to read up on alcoholism, addiction and codependency. Knowledge is power, even if it won't keep you warm at night.
Good luck with this very great challenge.
...............................
|
