A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I guess what we are experiencing with our 15 year old son is not much different than what every parent of teenagers has been since eternity, but it is still stomping us, and leaving utterly frustrated. Our son has stopped being interested in studies. He lies to us about test dates, due assignments, and other homework assigned. We usually only find out about his tests and assignments when we contact his teachers, and it is usually too late by then. He is doing poorly in almost all of the classes. When we ask him about his performance in school, or why he was hiding tests/assignments from us, he gives a bizarre reason that since we ask him about assignments and ask him to study, he can't study because he can no longer do things on his own terms. We tried leaving him on his own for a few months thinking that may be he wanted to exercise his freedom and decision making. But that failed badly because his performance dropped even more. His grades are slipping badly, and every attempt to get him interested in studies and see the consequences of his choices is failing. He often throws at us that no one studies at home, and homework is for geeks. He is very intelligent, and used to be an A+ student up until a few months ago. Now, ever since he has a girlfriend, studies are no longer his priority. Any attempt to put limits on him results in a huge drama scene in our house. For example, a sometimes stern talk with him about his antics with school work will result in comments like "no one loves me unconditionally", etc. I am of the opinion that since our attempts to discipline, putting limits, and getting him to study are yielding nothing but a deteriorating relationship with him and escalating drama scenes, we should back off, and stop worrying (caring) about his performance in school and other things. May be he will learn one day on his own. My wife on the other hand is not willing to give up. So the tussle and struggle in the household continues. He has posted some messages on his social media account talking about suicide etc, and that adds to the worry. We talked to him about it, and consulted resources like crisis line, and their assessment (and his own feedback) was that there was no danger, and there was no depression either. We feel so helpless and depressed in this situation thinking there is no end or solution to this. People say that this "phase" of his teenage years will pass. However, we are worried that by that time, either I would have had a heart attack or two, or our marriage would have ended. I sometimes find myself seriously contemplate moving out so that I don't have to put up with this extremely frustrating situation anymore.Any advice?
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984  +, writes (9 May 2018):
He is emotionally blackmailing you both with mental illness that he does not have. Give him his freedom. That means he moves out, get a job and that way he can do whatever he bloody well likes.
Gain back power for goodness sake and kick him into touch. As parents, we are here to provide the basics. Roof, clothes, food. Anything else must be earned. His responsibility is his education to be a a better version of himself when he is older. If he does not see this opportunity then send him to military boot camp. End of. My daughter wouldn't dare challenge me on this. I would strip her of everything she has and would not feel one ounce of guilt. These teenagers today are entitled little brats and the parents are to blame.
I wish you the best with this. Get tough and stick to it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2018): Miltary school.Send him there.There are some free ones.There is one up north Wisconsin.This is what he needs.Strict displine.Do not be his friend be his parent.You left him on his own to give him space?Wrong move.My teens always had adult babysitters.Rember you are the boss not your teen.Stop trying to be his friend.You are his parent.Stop spoiling him it does not work.You must see that by now.Now start by looking seriously today at sending him somewhere he gets what has been lacking at home.strict displine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2018): Your son could be, and probably is, going through a stage in his life where things are difficult. It's not always easy to talk to parents about how things really are, or even to out words to thoughts, or even know what the problem really is. In hindsight, you might be able to see what was up and say "I should have done this or that" or "I should have seen it", etc. But right here and now, I think you just need to accept that was he was, and what he currently is, are two different things, and you need to accept this version of him too. I just want to say though, I do not think his girlfriend is to blame. Lots of teenagers have relationship without it interfering with studies or moods. However, loads of teenagers are filled with hormones and instincts to free themselves from their parents, be independent, and just throw everything that's in conformity out of the window. I myself was doing the same at 14-15. I used to be a top grade student, and never missed a class. Then my grades fell "suddenly" and even my teacher was puzzled and gave me a better grade than I got on my exam because she said "I know you are better than this". I landed in several arguments with my mother, and my step father, and it got so far that child protective services had to get involved. I moved out at 15/16. I nearly failed three subjects in high school because of missing too many classes, actually did fail one class but was able to repeat it in my final year. Nearly failed ALL classes, to be honest. So what happened, you may ask? Well, I came of age, so to speak. I had an awakening of who I was and I rebelled. I had a friend who committed suicide when I was 14, and it shook me up to thoughts about what mattered in life, to sum it up. My mom knew about my friend, of course. Still, I don't think she connected the dots. So I'm just saying, he could be going through shit in life that he needs to go through. See the big picture, instead of focusing in the excuses he makes. Lift your gaze and see the big picture. Things that has happened recently in his life, maybe even back a year or two, might be bobbling to the surface now. He could also be responding to past exeriences, finally being "adult" enough to react to it. And know this: even if his studies goes down the drain at the moment, doesnt mean his future is lost. Classes can be taken over. Years can be repeated at school. Grades can be improved. Maybe what he needs right now, is to gain some freedom by working and making his own money, rather than be in school. He can always go back to school later. I was pressured to continue school even when I was sick and tired of it. Looking back, it's one of my biggest regrets: that I allowed myself to be talked into continuing studies when I was not motivated. It would have been far better to study once I had matured, cleared my thoughts and knew what I wanted, as opposed to what society wanted of me.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 May 2018):
 The title of this post is misleading... It's more about the problems with your son than with your marriage.
Anyway.
Who amongst the two of you- your wife or you- is closer to your son? That person needs to talk to him when the time is right. You need to be gentle and patient and try to get to the bottom of the matter. What has caused this change in him? Is it the new girlfriend? Is she the one who's telling him that studying is for geeks and the other nonsense?
As frustrating as it is, you cannot lose heart. Your frustrations, tears, beggings and emotional rants will have no impact on him now. Instead, you have to deal with him logically and have to convince him that you do love him unconditionally and it pains you to see him waste himself.
Are there any friends of his that you can talk to? Maybe they can tell you what's going on with him.
It looks like it's just a phase... Most teenagers go through a rebellious phase and perhaps this is his. You have to hold yourself together. This is a bump on the road and you cannot just give up! Don't even think about moving out or ending your marriage! You are the man of the house and you have to be strong for everyone's sake. And no, you won't have a heart attack. Teenage rebellion is as old as the hills and what you're facing is nothing new. I'm sorry but you're being a tad overdramatic and high-strung. You have to calm down first and react rationally because what you're doing in the process is only hurting yourself.
Your son will be fine... He'll pick himself up. He's your boy, you've raised him, you know how he is. How can you be so diffident?
Take a deep breath. This too shall pass.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 May 2018):
I would limit the time you allow him to be online, playing games, and watching TV, until he puts more effort into school. Don't keep doing things that don't work and hurt your relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 May 2018):
 My only advice is stop taking it personally. He is not doing it to hurt or upset you. He is doing it because he is 15. He is at that awkward age where he is neither child nor adult. His body is changing rapidly. His hormones are running riot. This is one unhappy man child. He is lashing out at you and coming out with things about nobody loving him unconditionally because he is angry with the world and it feels safest to lash out at those who are closest to him and who he knows deep down actually DO actually love him unconditionally, because they will forgive his behaviour.
What is the worst that can happen if he fails his exams? If he is as bright as he sounds, he will one day work out what he wants to do with his life. He will then do what he needs to achieve that. Perhaps, despite being academically bright, he does not want to go to university (or whatever else you and your wife dream of for him)? Perhaps his calling/happiness lies elsewhere?
Have you discussed with him what he sees himself doing for a job/career? Then perhaps concentrate on the subjects which will help him achieve that?
I was a very bright pupil at school, did well in exams, went on to higher education, and only realized later how useless it all had been as it didn't equip me for life or even any area I was interested in working in.
In your shoes, I would sit him down and tell him that, above all, you want him to lead a happy life. This does not necessarily mean it will be as a high achiever. Perhaps he is not interested in that. I would (gently and diplomatically) point out that, doing well in his exams may give him a slight edge in obtaining employment later so time spent now on school work will pay dividends later. However, if he is adamant that he is not going to do that, then help him do whatever he wants to do. Where does his passion lie? Sport? Drama? Caring for others? Help him with what he is actually passionate about and he will become a far happier person in himself.
Good luck. This is probably the most testing time when bringing up offspring but this too will pass. Stay strong and don't get too uptight about his school work. It is not the end of the world.
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