A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I’m a bit messed up and confused at the moment, so I am hoping to get some answers/help.My partner and I have been together 3 years and were planning to marry next year. We had sex about twice a week when we first met, and I was much slimmer then, as I was just coming out of depression. Well, the depression got treated but the tablets made me very hungry and I have put on a total of about 2 stone. During the past 18 months or so, though, we have hardly been having sex at all and though we have argued about it frequently, he has insisted he does ‘not have a high sex drive’.I believed him, until I borrowed his computer and accidentally saw that one of the ‘most accessed sites’ was a ‘teen porn’ (as in 18/19 year olds) site. Then, I looked at the history and found that he had been viewing up to 70+ porn videos a day on the internet and was a member of several ‘teen porn’ blogs and sites. He was clearly doing this at least twice to three times a week while we were having quick and unsatisfying sex once a month.I confronted him, and he said that he had watched porn since age 13 and that he fancied ‘young women’ - I do look young and always have, though I am 35. He is 34. He insisted that it had nothing to do with the lack of sex between us, though I can’t believe that. He also told me that my weight gain was a problem, though I find this a bit rich as he has always been very big since I have known him. I don’t know what to do. I do take care of myself other than I have let my weight go, but the porn thing bothers me a lot. I don’t mind porn if it doesn’t affect sex, but I feel like he is using his sex drive on masturbation to porn rather than having a relationship with me, and the amount of videos he viewed was a lot. It seems like an addiction, and an addiction to something I can’t be, seeing as I can’t get younger…Is there any future for my relationship? I can’t sort out my head and just feel numb now.
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porn, sex drive, sex life, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 No one can "perform" up to the expectations of porn stars, ergo there will forever be frustration and anxiety during sex. You may want to postpone any plans until he gets over the porn addiction.
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (11 December 2013):
This is what internet porn does to normal sexual relationships,it makes it suffer.The person becomes desensitized to normal sex and will look to more extreme porn to satisfy their lust.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 It's natural that you think his porn watching habits affect negatively his sex drive, that's what I'd instantly think too, at least I am no expert but, to me, 70 porn videos a day sounds like a full blown porn addiction !
Although, the problem have started only 18 months ago, and you have been together 3 years, so that would mean that for the first 18 months you were having a regular, fulfilling sex life, regardless of his porn watching habits , which anyway were already ingrained since a long time.
So , either the negative effects of his addiction kicked in all together suddenly 18 months ago ( which I guess is possible ).. or else, alas, it HAS to do with the changes in your body and your weight gain. Personally I don't think that a weight gain of 2 stones ( which is about 12-13 kilos, right ? ) is enough to change you into an all different person or in an unsightly tub of lard. But, I am not that sure, tbh, about the dogma that " if he really loved you he'd love you even if you had gained TEN stones ". Yes he'd still LOVE you , but maybe he would feel much less physically attracted. We love with spirit and senses , and senses, unluckily, have got to get some fuel to get fired up. So, if your guy, regardless of HIS weight, admires the kind of slim, slender, teenagerial beauty... and knew you when , more or less , you matched this ideal, or at least where not totally different from it... it may be that the change has been too much for him to handle . ( Not that I think he is RIGHT, - but, right or wrong, these things happen ).
I'd say now you have two choices :
- either lose the 2 esxtra stones ( it's not such a terrible amount of weight, you can go nice and easy , and SLOW, with no particular diets and deprivations, and lose it all in one year )
- or you can lose MORE weight : the weight of his addicted pornwatching ass, you can decide to move on and look for a man who not only is attracted to your current shape and size, but also, hopefully, is attracted to you regardless of what shape and size you take.
Which one of course is up to you, and how much you value the relationship, and how much it makes you happy BUT for the sex / porn issue....
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