A
female
age
30-35,
*aybaybay_x
writes:Well, my boyfriend and I have been through a lot. We go to the same uni and I'm really into him and he knows it.However, there will be times when theres no doubt in my mind he wants to be with me... He acts so into me and I'll take it as a step forward. Then he goes cold again..and when I question it..He'll say things like i want him to be in my world and me in his. But we're individuals.Or that he sometimes just doesn't want to talk to me ..or sometimes he needs his space. I know it might sound like I'm being clingy but what do I do when he gives me mixed signals all the time.I admit, I put him on a pedestal from the start, I made him a priority but isn't that what you're supposed to do?He however is a nice guy but I seem to annoy him easily. That is, when he doesn't want to be bothered.For example, if he's not really speaking to me much, I have to deal with it. I get called clingy and get told i dont understand him. When I back off, he doesn't like it.I'm at my witts end now, I've reached my breaking point. I feel like I've been good to him but that might actually be the problem.I need some REAL advice here.I want him so badly but everytime I feel like he's warming up to me, he starts talking about me wanting too much of his attention. I dont know what else to do. I'm drained. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 April 2015):
 I have to say I vote for "he is a dic. who is jerking you around emotionally.
He wants to have a GF (when it's convenient for him) the rest of the time you are annoying him and bothersome, clingy - ALL the terms NO girl wants to hear from her guy.
Personally, I'd back off TOTALLY. I know he will then ACCUSE you of not caring, but I'd tell him you ASKED for space I'm giving it to you, now you do me the same courtesy. Tell him you have decided to try and compromise which means he can have his space, but YOU will also TAKE your own space too.
Have you actually SAT him down and told him that you are SICK and tired of being jerked around? That if you text, talk to him too much you are "clingy" if you give him space you are being distant.
And no, you should NEVER put a guy/partner on a pedestal. They are a human being JUST like you. You are not a SATELLITE around his planet.
I think you two are not compatible at all. YOU are TOO nice to him. You seem to think the reason this relationship isn't working is ALL your fault.. but it's not.. LOOK at it closely and see, HOW does he even contribute to the relationship other than to reprimand you?
Some women (and men) pour ALL of them into a relationship and makes themselves, their goals, wishes and dreams the LAST priority. The partner comes first - I think YOU are doing that. Making HIM the important one in the relationship, like you are SUPER LUCKY that he is dating you - not that you are BOTH lucky to have found each other. You have catered to him from day one. Making him feel "special" and making yourself try to adapt to HIS wishes - and now... here you are with a spoiled BF who acts like an asshat.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 April 2015):
 Uhm, no. That's not what you are supposed to do ; putting people on pedestals makes idols, or dictators ,out of them. And making another person a priority.... just if he is a baby /young child, or an elderly sick parent, stuff like that. But not another healthy , emotionally and mentally mature adult .
A relationship is supposed to be between equals and peers- two people who ( hopefully ) can love , understand and support each other , but WITHOUT making the partner the center,the be all and end all of the other's life.
Also because you risk becoming boring. Yes, the partner appreciates your being loving, caring, devoted etc...., but, where's YOUR life outside the relationship ? Whom do you talk to, what do you talk about, what do you think about, what do you want beyond him and your relationship ?Isn't there more to you as a person, than just being a girlfriend ( they wonder, suppressing a little yawn ) ?
And, it makes them feel pressured and tense . Being held responsible for someone's happiness is an honour and a compliment but it's also a burden, some times.
So, why doesn't he like it when you back off ? because you have spoiled him by now . When you give someone 24/7 attention, he comes to count on that. He will be annoyed when he's too busy to need it, but if he 's available and you aren't as much, he'll resent it : hey where's my 24/7 attention gone ? I thought it was a given !
Plus, I guess it is normal : if you are used to text him, say, 20 times a day, and , all of a sudden, limit yourself to once, he will notice . And , since by now he must know you , he may think that the reason for the sudden change is that you are mad at him, or that you are trying to teach him a lesson, or that you are sulking.
Talk to him, no drama and no major deal. With simplicity. Tell him that you thought about his words and he may have a point. You too do not want to become fusional, you want to keep your r/ship fresh and exciting for both, and if you are backing off a bit and focusing a bit more on yourself and your own things, it's not because you care any less for him, or because you want to punish him. In fact, it's because you want to make your relationship healthier and stronger , and feel that you can connect out of... connection, not out of habit, or reassurance for yourself.
To steal a phrase coined by another Aunt ( SVC's trademark registered :) : stop rowing the relationship boat. Let him come to you. Give him reasonabke space ( and take it for yourself ), do not get all anxious if " he does not like " the change of pace that he asked himself , but only when it is CONVENIENT for him.
If he is a d..k who is / was just jerking you around emotionally, - that will come out pretty fast and pretty clearly, if you are consistent. Otherwise, pretty soon you will find your own balance as a couple, your middle ground where MOST of each one's emotional needs are met MOST of the times ( but, not all needs all the time; that's unrealistic and unfair to ask ).
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A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (24 April 2015):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe 8 months. I've backed off anf he accused me of being distant. Saying I was upset with him. But I just kinda carried on with anything I had to do. He has kind of stop bothering. He went from asking all these questions to even bothering to see whats going on with me. Lol
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A
female
reader, XxSophie84xX +, writes (24 April 2015):
How long have you actually been with him for so we can get an idea?
It seems like sadly he is playing games with you. He wants both things. He wants you to be all over him obssessed perhaps so he can show off? But then he seems to not like it. Is he doing a very stressful degree? I mean it could be down to that.
But then again COMMUNICATION is the main thing, have you sat down with him and explained everything? Maybe that is what you need to do because you actually need to explain everything and say that this is affecting YOU.
Maybe you need to back off for a second and put yourself first? Give him some time and see if he comes arund for you.
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