A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years now. Half year ago, he told me he wanted to buy a promise ring for me. I was flattered and looked forward to receiving the ring. He said this in October. We researched styles online and he even consulted his female friends and sister in law about where to get a nice ring.December arrived and I received an ornament as a Christmas present. No ring.Our first year anniversary, no ring.February, Valentine's Day came and gone, no ring.Still no ring. Yet, he will always talk about getting the ring. He brings it up quite often and we joke and talk about it. All talk. I'm getting annoyed because I'm all about more action less talk. If I say I'm going to get him something, it's in his hands within a week.It's not that he doesn't have the money, because he does. Also, I wasn't expecting anything major expensive. He doesn't splurge on gifts for me and I never ask for any thing. On the contrary, I splurge on him often. He was the one that said he wanted to get the ring for me and kept talking about it, so I believed him and waited for the ring.Tonight he mentioned the ring again. I got annoyed and said let's not talk about the ring anymore. I don't need the ring from him, but it was sweet when he mentioned he wanted to get me a promise ring. But if it's not gunna happen I'd rather not keep talking about it. It won't affect me or our relationship whether I receive the ring or not.My question is - Why would he keep talking about the ring if he doesn't intend on getting it?Thanks in advance for your insight and advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
I wanted to send an update. He brought me into a jewelry store a couple of weeks ago and picked out a promise ring with me! it's beautiful! I was over at his house and his family saw it and were very happy for us. His dad is now asking when we will get married so he can have some grandkids! I am very happy too! ^_^
Thanks for all your advise! Best to you all!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 OP, thanks for sharing your story about ring taps, it is very sweet and romantic .
Although, frankly, seeing that you are ALREADY at the stage of planning your wedding on details, wedding favours and all, I do not get why he has to think about it so thoroughly before giving you a something ,that symbolizes the PROMISE that one day you'll get engaged to get married ... It sounds such a long and winding road ! :) You guys have basically already decided that you'll get married. Coudn't you just bypass the promise stage, and just go straight to engagement, whenever that will be finnacially feasible ? ( although yes, you'd get an extra ring in the process, and that can't be bad :). Good luck !
P.S. : Now I also know why I have wasted many soda cans by pulling the tap toward me - to be left with the ring in my hands , and the soda can unopened. I was supposed to push it in !!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies!I'd like to share how this 'Promise Ring' came about. We were talking about a movie where the guy pulls the tap from the top of a can of soda and gives it to the girl as a promise ring. In America, we just push in to open the top of a soda can, but in Asia and Europe, most of that ring top comes off. I was saying how romantic that is and he said he will search til he finds me that ring tap. He found it from a can of herbal tea. He gave it to me as a promise ring, that he has found 'the one'. We talked about it and our plan was to incorporate that ring tap into our wedding favor. We bought cases and cases of that herbal tea and drank and drank and still drinking!! That ring tap is sweet and part of our story we want to share with our friends and family at our wedding. Our plan is also to provide each guest at our wedding with a can of herbal tea so they can pull off the ring tap and return to us as their blessing.i used to wear that ring tap on a chain around my neck, but it scratched me and kinda looked silly. He spoke to his sister in law and asked about rings as he wanted me to wear it on my finger. That was how that whole idea of a promise ring came about. I will be honest that although whether he gives me the ring or not, it will not change things. But as his girlfriend, I would love to wear his ring! Plus he keeps talking about it and getting my hope up!I did talk to him last night and just bluntly ask why hasn't he given me the ring. I wanted to know if he changed his mind or doesn't feel the same for me anymore or he's only saying it to make me happy. He assured me that he still is very serious about getting the ring and every time even talking about it makes his heart beat really fast. He said I'll need to be patient with him and give him time to take that step cuz it's a huge deal for him. He understands that it's not fair to keep talking about it and getting my hope up high like that. He said he will tone it down but soon, it will happen.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2015):
 EDIT:
I wrote:
but it should have to COST you a lot to try and make him happy.
I meant....
but it shouldn't have to COST you a lot to try and make him happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2015):
A promise ring is "supposedly" a pre-engagement ring - which is ridiculous. Either someone KNOWS he/she wants to marry the other person and THUS buys an ENGAGEMENT ring.
Promise rings are for those (guys) who want to make SURE the girl stick around. It's a promise and a ring. NOT a commitment (like an engagement ring). They know that if you give her a ring... she will PRESUME that an engagement and "happily ever after" in part of the plan. That isn't necessarily true.
I agree with Cindy (as usual) that you have adopted the right attitude, that the RING is just not that important.
I also agree that he may NOT be "dangling" the whole I want to get you a ring idea out of malice, more out of wanting to make YOU happy. My guess is your face (in the past) have lit up when he talked rings and he likes to see you excited and happy. What he FAILS to understand is, that a promise of a promise ring is... well.... not worth a darn.
I ALSO agree that you need to cut down on the splurging on him. Giving is lovely, but it should have to COST you a lot to try and make him happy.
It's still early days when it comes to deciding if you see yourself with him long term.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 April 2015):
Well, look at the bright side : now that you know how bad he is at keeping his promises... you would not know what to do with his promise ring, because any promise he may make, needs to be taken with a pinch of salt :).
Now, I admit I don't even know exactly what a " promise " ring is and which level of committment it symbolizes. An ENGAGEMENT ring means : I am SURE and positive that I want to marry you, and that I CAN marry you within a reasonable amount of time. So, it sort of makes sense talking about
" when we'll be engaged " or " if I'll give you a ring "- but then actually doing it only when you are 100% sure you want to do that, and that you can sort of fix a date in a near future, or at least a not ridiculously far one. Getting engaged is different, and more, than calling dibs on a lady, so, even if it gets mentioned, that for the ring to materialize it may take some time it's not so strange.
All this to say, that if a promise ring is like the prequel of an ENGAGEMENT ring, the same reasoning may apply. It may have been mentioned ( which , I would not have done , though, had I been in his shoes... but I wasn't )- as for actually producing the ring, it may take a while.
I think you are adopting the right attitude ; just forget about the ring, keep your mind off it, don't bring it up anymore. If he has changed his mind , or he is hesitant for any reason, from what I get you still want to keep dating him, with or without ring, so at the end of the day it won't make a difference.
If he was just waiting to put aside a certain amount, or to wait for a special occasion, or to find a ring that felt really the right one for you.... you are going to have the nicest surprise ever, one which will not just please you but will bowl you over, precisely because you had given up hope. Either way, you can't lose :):
But WHY does he keep mentioning a ring that never comes ?... because you dig it. Because it makes you happy, and it puts you in a good mood, and makes your eyes sparkle, without him having actually to make the conscious effort to buy anything.
Now, I don't know this guy enough to say if this means he is an astute , callous manipulator - or if he is just a lovale ,yet unreliable, dreamer and people pleaser. Probably he leans more toward the second, since you mention no other instances of broken trust and broken promises , and you do not sound mad at him. After all, there are people ( with a childish vein in them ) for whom saying " I'll take you to Paris " feels as good and as real as going to the travel agency and booking a flight, they don't really mean to blow smoke up your a.., that's just ... the way they are. And you are going to stay with him anyway, regardless of the ring. So- basically, just forget about it and stay in the present moment ( since he is not too good with what WILL happen ).
A word of caution about all that splurging on him- slow down. Sure, giving should never be a tit for tat, and you never should give a gift to receive something of the same value, but only for the sheer joy of giving. Oth , it is also true, that , ten years from now, if things don't pan out with this guy , you may come to regret bitterly you have splurged so much on someone who now means absolutely zilch to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): Tell him you want less talk and more action. It's sweet that he wants to get you a ring but either do it or stop fantasising about it. It's been a year. Tell him you feel disappointed everytime he brings it up because HE raised your hopes and then... nothing happened.
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