A
female
age
41-50,
*onely planet
writes:Hello again. I wrote previously about my abortion (see my other question - to those who responded it was much appreciated). This is a bit of a follow up but I am asking for help and advice again.I went through with the abortion last Saturday. I won't lie, it wasn't a pleasant experience. But it is done now and I need to move on and focus on the future. My boyfriend on the day turned out to be more supportive. I still went on my own to the hospital but afterwards, he was there for me.The problem is this. After a procedure like that you cannot have sex for a couple of weeks. And I am now starting to feel a little more like myself and being honest my sex drive is starting to return. Whilst I can't do anything, I am able to look after my boyfriend in that respect. However, it would seem that he is struggling to come to terms with all of this. He isn't enjoying what I do for him orally (which he used to) and reaching orgasm where I am involved either manually or orally is out of the question. He says he can't stop thinking about everything that has happened. He also says it will just take time but that he loves me very much and his sex drive will return. I however am starting to feel rejected, like he doesn't fancy me anymore, because I can't seem to turn him on enough. I know that post surgery my emotions are going to be all over the place which could be contributing to how I feel. But last night I tried to look after my boyfriend's needs, but he asked me to stop and finished himself off. I lay there awake for hours crying. He had no idea as he fell asleep. I just feel so useless now. Like he doesn't want me.Am I being selfish? My boyfriend has never been the type of guy to be really intimate i.e. in a touchy feely way, and any intimacy between us has always been of a sexual nature (if you saw us together on the street you wouldn't think we were a couple but we are very much so) but clearly it is something that I am craving given the situation. It is like I need the intimacy to tell myself that everything will be ok, as a sort of reassurance. I know he won't talk to anyone about his feelings. There is no point talking to anyone about mine because they involve him and I have already told him how I feel.Again, any advice would be much appreciated.Thanks for reading.
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abortion, move on, orgasm, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 February 2010):
You're not being selfish at all. You've been through a traumatic experience and need love and care. The problem with things like abortions and miscarriages is that naturally all the care gravitates towards the woman, who was carrying the baby. You were the one who was pregnant, so naturally when you went through this, all the feelings of those around are targeted towards you more than your man. Frequently the man's feelings about the loss of a child are totally forgotten about, not on purpose but just because a man doesn't carry the baby. A few years ago when I was in school, two friends of mine were going out and the girl fell pregnant. She had an abortion. Everyone crowded around her and comforted her. The guy was effectively left to fend for himself. In the end it affected him more than her. The point is, your boyfriend is hurting and right now has a lot of feelings he needs to make sense of. He's not rejecting you, and you are good enough and he loves you. But remember that he is hurting a lot and just needs you. Perhaps instead of worrying about sex at the moment, just spend time together getting over this experience.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (25 February 2010):
 No, You are not being selfish! You have just been through a traumatic experence, both emotionally and physically, and you need to be patient with yourself and with your boyfriend.I know you are frustrated because you couldn't satisfy him orally - but that's not the only issue. This has been traumatic for him as well as for you. He has reassured you that he loves you and his sex drive will be back to normal.Perhaps it would be a good idea to just leave sex alone for a while - you've got to for at least another week, in any case. Let him know you enjoy cuddling, hugs, handholding and can express intimacy in that way - and that you'd like him to reciprocate.
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A
female
reader, AskLeeanne +, writes (25 February 2010):
 Hi there I'm Leeanne, nice to meet you.Im terribly sorry to hear about your abortion, this in itself is a very difficult situation for any person and any relationship to go through so your doing really good and keep it up.To the question about your partners reactions to your oral/manual stimulation i think that he too is hurting and this is his way of getting all that anger and amosity out!! he is sort of taking it out on you by not being able to let his feelings go when you are spending time together sexually, this situation is still in its early days and you will both take alot longer than a few weeks to get over this and also you really need to sit him down and tell him exactly what you ave told us but, not when you are about to or are doing anything sexual!!!Catch him on a good day and ask if you can have a chat about aomething thats on your mind and tell him how you are feeling and more importantly how he is making YOU feel by acting how he does!There may be another reason at to why this is happening but he is the only one with the answer so ask him.I hope my answer helped you and please just "talk" to him about this and see how you get on, you need as much care and attention as you can get right now especially from him.Good LuckRegardsLeeanne
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