A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This may seem trivial but I'm really angry about it...Basically my partner and I have bought a lovely 3 bed house. We've worked hard to be able to afford it- sacrificing things, working all hours, not having a decent holiday for the past 4 years but it has been worth it. Now our friends who have 2 children live in a small 2 bed house, on the past severaloccasions when at our house keep suggesting that we should do a house swap whereby they live in our house as it has more space and we should live in their smaller house... At 1st I thought they were kidding but they are being serious and it's made me really angry! There is NO WAY in hell I'd ever give up MY house to live in theirs! They wouldn't even be able to afford bills let alone anything else! They appear to be somewhat deluded that if we did a house swap they would find the money to keep it running and hinting we'd give them "mates rates". We have known them for years and neither of them have a good work ethic - always getting signed off work (when there's nothing wrong) and spending the little money they have on booze and cigarettes... They are lazy people (they do have a good qualities otherwise we wouldn't be friends but the majority of the time they try to get as much as they can for free)! Also in the past my husband and I have helped them out financially - something we won't be doing again!To make it worse they keep saying to their children things like "wouldn't you like to live in this house instead of ours?" "Ask nicely if we can have their house" then of course the children get excited and we are left with the awkward task of politely rejecting the idea.They then go on saying we don't have children so the space is wasted on us (eventually we will have a family)!Both my husband and I have said we are not interested in their proposition however they keep going on about it. The other day they came round as it was my husbands birthday and they said to their kids " which bedroom would you have if we lived here?" Also they would make suggestions about what they could do with the garden and how they would decorate if it was theirs!It's really doing my head in and I've told my husband I don't want them round anymore as I won't be responsible for my actions if they mention it again!I mean if either of them actually bothered to hold a job down for more than 3 months and saved any small amount of money instead of spending it on rubbish then maybe they too could afford a decent house and it's not MY problem they can't sort themselves out!Any help/advice is much appreciated.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 People like them rely on people like you to be too polite and compassionate to say anything. That's why they're so comfortable crossing the line.
If some of your reluctance comes from not wanting to hurt innocent children, then rest assured that you will be doing them a favour by being direct. For one thing, I don't think they really believed they were moving into your home, but all this talk from their parents and little to counter it from you may plant a seed of hope in their minds. Nip that in the bud.
And for another, children benefit from seeing adults speak up confidently and calmly, instead of suffering in silence or exploding in anger. The former sets a good example they can learn from and hopefully use to have healthier relationships later in life themselves.
I do not recommend you invite them (the parents that is) to have a sit down about this. This implies that their opinion is far more important to you than it is, or ought to be or that the idea of swapping houses to their benefit and your detriment is somehow normal and merely your personal peeve that needs explaining.
You must be brief, very clear and unapologetic. I suggest a one liner in response to the next comment they make. 'Not bloody likely' would pack a punch, especially if it were said easily, with finality and in front of the kids. If the parents are bold enough to press, you could add 'If you want a bigger house, do what everyone else does. Work hard save your money and buy one.' That's certainly a good lesson to teach kids, isn't it? And if they won't hear it from their parents, why not hear it from you? Then move on to something else as if everyone has agreed with you. No anger, no huffing or angry silences.
My guess is this friendship won't last and when they're gone, you won't miss them. They're just not quality people.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 November 2012):
Their actions and way of communicating are not the problem. They don't see any issue, they are either trying their luck, or being manipulative by using their kids, or just being tongue in cheek, or whatever, but they are ok with communicating in that way with you. You are the one who is not ok, yet you have not told them how you feel about it when they do it. All of this time with you not having said anything, it is building up, but you haven't addressed the issue with them.
You need to speak to them about it, and not while you are in the middle of other conversations or gossip or chit chat. You need to tell them that there is something you need to speak to them about, something that they do that you don't like and that you want them to stop doing because it affects your relationship with them, and then you need to tell them what it is. You don't have to tell them that what they are doing is wrong, you just have to tell them how it makes you feel about them and how it affects your relationship. Then its up to them how they want to be, but at least you will have had your say.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Stop keeping up apparances, you don't have to do it for your husbands sake. Yes, to some extent you should be polite and smile through BS, such as when dealing with annoying family members. But only up to a point. If they've been going at it for months then screw being polite and just be real about what you think about the matter. That you think they are rude, and that there is no way you would be interested in trading houses with them, and that you will not even bother being civil if they insist on continuing with this nonsense. It is an insult to you and your husband that they think they can talk to you into giving up your HOUSE. I mean come on. They might as well look at your bank account, estimate how much they feel you should have, and then take the rest. That thought is just as stupid.
Stop being polite when they stop being polite, that's what I say. Once they've crossed the line (and that line was way back there), then you stop. If your husband wants to stay friends then suuuuure, by all means. But you don't have to.
And then, depending on how your conversation about this goes with your husband, you could push for them not being allowed at the house.
As for the car, as long as you and your husband are married it is also YOUR car, and he is in no position to let anyone in on anything without your consent.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Be blunt, and then tell your husband if he`wishes to maintain a friendship with them he can do it on his own, and away from your home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012):
I'm the original poster... I just want to clarify that they are serious. They have been going on about it for months& I know them well enough to know when they are serious!
They were originally my husbands friend (he used to go to school with the guy). They then kept in touch with us& started hanging out together. I've never been keen on either of them but have had to keep up appearances for my husbands sake.
They even hinted a few years ago for my husband to put them on his car insurance & lend them his car (after it had been taxed& serviced)for a few months as they couldn't afford to keep theirs... They said they would pay the petrol but obviously couldn't afford to pay towards the insurance or Mot.Luckily my husband didn't agree.
I know the whole situation seems crazy& for some of you reading this may see it as a joke but these people have no conscious & see no wrong in asking. I personally would be happy not to have their friendship but my husband won't cease contact with them.
Thanks to everyone for your responses. If they hint again I will be blunt as they clearly don't seem to understand "no".
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 November 2012):
Why are you taking this seriously? It's a joke. The very thought is ridiculous. If they want a bigger house they have to pay for it, that's elementary. Even a child understands this logic. If they want a house similar to yours then suggest they look up houses for sale in your neighbourhood, and tell them how lovely it would be to be neighbours.
But swap houses? .. Why, makes no sense. They'd have to pay the cost difference between your house and their, extra bills, and why would you want their house? If they like your house then obviously they should buy the same type of house, but why should you have to move? I'm sure there are plenty of houses avaiable for sale...
You can't take this seriously. Stop getting worked up about it, the very thought is ridiculous. And it is rude of them to keep at it if they're actually serious, and the way you talk about them don't make it sound like they are good friends of yours either. Maybe time to let them go? Or tell them bluntly: I am not going to move, so you wont ever get MY house, sorry, but if you look around I am sure you can find similar houses on sale. Or hint about how great it'd be to be neighbours and that they should look at houses in your area that are similar etc.
But don't let this bother you, the thought is ridiculous. People don't buy houses depending on how much space they need, lol, they buy houses depending on what they can afford....
Or just end the friendship by telling them this:
"I mean if either of them actually bothered to hold a job down for more than 3 months and saved any small amount of money instead of spending it on rubbish then maybe they too could afford a decent house and it's not MY problem they can't sort themselves out"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): I don't understand, what do they want to do? Buy it from you?
Or just exchange houses?
I have friends like that. I also lend them money which they returned in parts over the course of 2 years, promising pay back in 3 months.
You have no other way of dealing with people like this by being very frank with them. Next time when my friends were trying to borrow from us again, I said nicely but firmly: I don't want to wait for my money that long as I did last time, that's why having this history with you already, I don't feel comfortable lending to you. They were upset, but delt with it, and we remained friends. People like you described don't change, this is their way of life. They can never keep their finances in order, they make stupid decisions throughout life effecting their finances. And they always borrow. They always try to get things for free, they like having friends who have money so they can always borrow or get some kind of help from them.
Your friends may be joking or may be not. It's not your concern, if you don't feel comfortable with it, let them know very firmly. They need to stop doing what makes you uncomfortable. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Hi
Just tell them to change the record - if they want a bigger home they will have to buy one as your going nowhere - and mean it.
To be honest if they are as you say why are they still your friends? You have nothing in common, you don't even really like them.It would be easier to just distance yourselves from them instead of continuing a faux friendship
Are they really serious?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): I would hope they are kidding, but you never know. That seems so cruel of them to do that to their children.
I would tell them if they value the friendship they need to stop.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Talk about irritating!! Anyway the next time they say this, just tell them, "You cant be serious! And if you are, let me just put all doubts to rest by saying this for the last time, we don't intend giving this house up for anyone. We always wanted a big house and we worked really hard for it. And er...no offence but you cant afford it."
That should shut them up.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (4 November 2012):
Don't be "nice" by tolerating this. They are quietly trying to bully you into doing what they want or they really don't know how much they're annoying you. In any case: set them straight. That's what real friends would do and even if they're not, it's better to be direct and honest with them than letting them live in the assumption that what they're doing is okay.
Next time, talk to them and get it out: "Look, I've heard you guys bring up this subject countless of times now and I'm growing rather tired of it, so let me set this straight once and for all: we are not, nor will we ever be, interested in a house swap. Not with you, not with anybody else. This is our house, financed by our money and we like living here. I don't care about whether you think it suits us or not. I don't care if you think the space is wasted on us. If I wanted your opinion on it I would have asked you. I haven't. So stop bringing it up. If you want a bigger place to live, save up and make it happen. Just don't bug us with this whole house swap deal because it's getting to a point I don't enjoy your company anymore and I'd hate it if our friendship turns sour just because of this. "
This may sound harsh. They may act all hurt and innocent. If they do, tell them: I don't mean to be harsh, but since you have ignored my subtler communications about this subject I felt there was no other way.
Trust me, honesty is the best policy. If they don't stick around, they aren't real friends anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): How bout u give them all u n ur husband expenses each time they come over?? Just hand them a bill. When they're leaving say Oh I just wanted u to have this and hand them another bill. Things like this shouldn't necessarily upset u. But they could have allowed it to get out of hand, the constant asking. Which is why its only fair if they want ur house they must pay all your bills its only fair for what your giving up. It doesn't matter if they can afford it or not the goal is to aggravate them. Hand them the mortgage, phone, internet, electricity, water, any student loans your or your husband have, car notes, car insurance, homeowners insurance, and appliances that you're still paying on, etc. If they say we won't pay this, tell them these are the only conditions that the could stay here....its a trial run for 30 days, if you are able to pay all these bills in the same month they're due then you get a free weekend pass. Also all bills must be paid in full and on time, no payment arrangements. If u go on and on with this n hand them a bill I'm pretty sure they'll grow tired of u. Fight or flight, n u should fight n use the same fire. They may play along or ignore it, but anything in excess is aggravating. Good luck
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Easy... next time they say it you
you say "sure you can move in it costs XXXX.XX every month just to run the house... do you have that? NO? well then I guess you can't afford it here"
and then you take them aside and tell them that you will have to end the friendship if they continue to do so.
the other option is to be friends with them and never have them to your home.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 November 2012):
Nahhh, surely they are not serious, but, if they are, next time they bring the subject up tell then you are getting tired of hearing it, ask them to change the subject and if they find themselves unable to do so, start limiting contact. I can imagine how easy it would be to get sick of these comments.
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