A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello to anyone reading this, this site is not foreign to me. And I may have posted a question that related to this before, but since then many others have surged from it. To make matters worse the situation continues to become more complicated for me. Any advice will be helpful, appreciated, and rated. Thanks in anticipation.The background:I am a gay male and I am falling for a questionably straight friend. And he does know I am gay. That said, either he's unaware he sometimes subtly flirts with me or he's aware of it and he's a sick person for leading me on...if he is straight.The signs:- When we first met, he had a bit of an effiminate way about him, but I just assumed he was an effiminate straight male- He often texts me for even the smallest reason, like yesterday and today.- We drink together often. When he realizes I have had a few too many, he has sacrificed his own liver and finished drinking from my cup...just to help me out...maybe he's just an alcoholic. - He helps me position my hands and arms in a certain way to improve my technique... when we play games at bars.- He has tried to find out more about my history with guys. He once bluntly asked "how many guys have you dated?" (The answer not many.)- He has asked me about my coming out experience, and how my family handled it as well as what I do in the LGBT organization in my school- Sometimes when I try to go off in my own way, he will ask if I mind sticking around with him for a little longer.- He plays sports, and he's asked a few times if I'd like to go watch him.- He will stare at a guy and compliment (e.g. I wished I had his legs.)- He spent an entire evening with a lady friend he met. And the next day he told me he didn't do anything with her. I didn't need the clarification, plus if he wanted to do something with her...he could have.What's working against me (and these are big points..)- He has said he's straight. He says it so much. He's even indicated on his social network on his bio that he is.- He is pretty open about his past and his exes and girls he finds attractive. He's shown me what they look like. Or girls he finds attractive. I usually agree even with his taste in women (how is that for irony..while I am not into them physically, he does have good taste.)- He and his friends have lots of homoerotic jokes. So someone who's in denial wouldn't be so comfortable even joking around like that.- His background is very typical for the kind shared in his culture. His family would never approve of the gay lifestyle. He has already told me that much. So yes, I guess I should move on from him. I just wished it were that easy. However, it's not. And tons of questions exist: How do you move on from a human you find so beautiful inside and out? How do you lower your standards with the next guy when you have met someone so ideal? How do I stop feeling the romantic feelings? How can I view him just as a friend? Also based on the signs, am I reading too much into his actions or like I had asked before--is he intenitonally leading me on?
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male
reader, bam!  +, writes (5 November 2012):
You are very welcome for the advice I provided. You say about eye contact? Well, catch his eye contact when doing something besides talking, see if he holds it, gives off any indications for passion like maybe smiling to you as he's making eye contact. Maybe once you have eye contact lean in for a kiss and see if he follows, if he doesn't make out you were picking your phone up or something else that would allow you to lean closer to him. If he goes in with it, go for it! Don't be scared to ask him about his sexuality, he sounds like a really nice guy and I'm sure he'll be open with you about if you lead him the way and show him support.
Regards of that, you could always just come clean out and tell him you like him and the way he's acting is misleading you and you're not sure if he likes you back or if he's just fooling. He'll understand what you mean and it might but a little bit of strain on your relationship for a while (he might avoid you sometimes a little while after telling him) but I don't see that happening as he sounds like a understanding person. However, if you do this and the result turns back (he's disgusted in you or something) then just tell him that there's a difference inbetween liking somone and commiting rape and you only want to know if the feeling's matual so if it's not you can get on with your life and stop having false hopes or if he does, you can be happy with him.
Hope this helped you out even further!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Wow bam! thank you for such a thoughtful and helpful response. I am really lost in this situation, and your advice has truly been a blessing. And just to clarify, yes he does know I am gay. Despite that, he still chooses to keep me around. I don't know maybe he's just very gay friendly. That said I would be upset to be wrong about his orientation. What if I am wrong when I pick up these subtle hints? I mean the world will continue spinning, but I don't know if I am fooling myself that something with him is plausible...I will take your suggestion into consideration. I am just scared in how to go about it.
Hearty thanks for providing your own experience. I am glad it worked out for you in the end. Effeminate or not, you are a terrific human being.
As for him, he is not necessarily homophobic when he makes "gay remarks" with his friends. But you know how some guys joke around with each other and say suggestive gay things? That's sort of how he is with his own friends. He won't joke around like that with me though. So that's why I keep thinking, if he were gay and in denial about his orientation--wouldn't he not openly joke around like he was gay with his friends?
Last bit on this (feel free to provide any input anyone...I welcome it all) I keep elaborating (sorry) but I notice when we make mutual eye contact when we are speaking, there's something different. And his grin as he speaks to me is so disarming. I can't explain the feeling entirely. Do I think he's checking me out? Probably not. I just feel a warm feeling, but again, this might be one-sided. He could very well just be making eye contact while we speak...and politely smiling. I could be wrong in all my assumptions. Sighhhh....
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A
male
reader, bam! +, writes (5 November 2012):
You say that he wouldn't be throwing gay jokes arround if he were in denial. That's wrong. When I was closeted, I was so homophobic even though I was and still am feminine. To be honest, you guys sound pretty close and on his behalf, he does sound like he is gay. No one on here can tell you if the guy is intentionally leading you on because I doubt anyone on here knows him to judge him like that. This is down to you to find out but I how ever do have some suggestions to help you.
I can't gather if he knows you're gay your self. At the start of the question you said he didn't but then later on in the question there were a few sloers to indicate that he does know. For example 'what I do in my LGBT Organization in my school'.
If he doesn't know you're gay, tell him and only f you know that it wont put you in any physical/emotional problems. Once he's accepted the fact you're gay, try and get a bit more out of him. You mentioned that you guys like to go out drinking together, well invite him to go drinking one time and get him a little drunk/tipsy and test him. Start easy and don't let him feel pressures, ask him something like 'have you ever done anything with a guy or will you ever?'. If the response is positive then go a little further. Maybe ask if he was ever confused about his sexuality or if (as you mentioned his family background not approving being gay) he's scared of being gay because of his back ground. If that response is positive then, he's gay or at least has some intention in guys. After that take things slow and develop a relationship. Maybe offer to take him for a meal?
If he does know you're gay and hasn't shown any signs of him opening up to you, then I doubt he will. I was in a situation like this with my first crush. He was flirtatious and made me think he was gay, when in actuality, he was just messing around. BUT, don't give up hopes! Just because this happened to me doesn't mean it will to you. Use the same sort of plan as before and question him on his sexuality, being subtle.
Hope this helped!:)
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