A
male
age
30-35,
*manmcc
writes:Hi everyone ive been asking many questions about my 8 year relationship ending just recently. we were 14 when we met and broke up at 22. I realy love her so so much and want to be with her because she is an amazing person, almost like we deserve eachother. We are both just such good people i know if i were to date other people i would just be trying to find a girl as close to her as possible. we moved in together when we were 18 and we were way to young to have done this and i realize this now. i always had my friends that i would party with and hang out with but i was always respectful and would never even think of cheating on my girl. now the whole 8 years we were together she never really hung out with anyone just waited at home for me. she just always wanted to be with me. she would blow off her friends all the time until they stopped calling and after a while she really didnt have friends. That was until just recently, when she started hanging out with her neice who's 19 and has a child and not the greatest situation if you ask me. All of a sudden she seemed to have changed. Its like as soon as she started hanging out with her neice she started to not love me anymore and now she has left me saying that we never dated other people and this now all of a sudden bothers her. i feel like she missed her party days and now for some reason thinks she cant party if im still in the picture. there was a guy she had a crush on that hung around her niece and i know that had some to do with the reason she left too but shortly after i know she realized that they werent compatible and that he was immature. our relationship was really special, it was fun, mature,trustworthy and genuine we really loved each other for a long long time until just recently, when i could tell she wasnt the same. weve been broken up for a month now but we still talk in texts because we have to until our lease is up in our house (that i moved out of) i just dont know what to do from here. i know im a good guy with some desireable traits. above average looks, very laid back, i am a very honest person, as well as extremely trustworthy, and very good in bed, and im the kinda guy that will hold a door open for you and not even notice. i know there are many girls out there that would love to date someone like me. i guess i understand weve never been with others and she wonders about it but i really got past that phase and was ready to move on and start a family even at the young age of 22(which she always said she wanted too). i deep down really hope she comes back to me but i feel i cant afford to feel this way it only is making it more painful now and later if she never does come back or when i see her with other guys. i just dont know what to do. every time she texts or talks to me i find myself missing her even more than if i were to not contact her. but i also realize that if i dont contact her then most likely she will be gone forever because no contact just works that way. i just dont know how to proceed should i just let go of the possibility that she may come back? or should i dwell on it and try to win her back even tho it makes it more painful? if i knew she would come back i would definitly just take the pain but not being able to know for sure just leaves me wondering what i should do. its not like i sit at home thinking about her all day i am moving on with my life but it hasnt changed that i really want her back. another thing is if she did want to come back and hadnt dated anyone else how could i trust she wouldnt leave again? what if she doesnt date for a long time? i just cant hold on to hope without it being painful. but how can i let go of the hope if i truely DO hope she comes back? as you can see im super confused and dont know what to do. how do I get rid of hope?
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male
reader, dmanmcc +, writes (9 February 2012):
dmanmcc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone this was extremely helpful!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): I know what you mean by asking should you hope? it's like, what do you make of this situation, what do you tell yourself every day from now on when you wake up in the morning? do you tell yourself this is only temporary, or this is permanent? you're asking how do you frame the situation for yourself to make sense of it, right?
I've been there too, also it was a long relationship (longer than yours), and it ended suddenly.
I found, for me, that initially I kept on hoping he would come back because hope is what kept me alive, figuratively speaking. For almost 2 years I hoped and waited, and it was a period of roller coaster emotions because some days things would look promising and I would feel so happy, then other days it would seem not and I'd be crushed. it wasn't so much the low's that began to really wear on me, but the roller coaster ride. The low's get lower because there was a previous 'high'.
that's when the hope itself started to become too painful and only then could I decide to move on. ironically about a year after I moved on, THEN he came back. But now his situation was very different. in a nutshell, after he had left me he got into a rebound relationship and got her pregnant and now has a kid with her but they've since broken up but being co-parents she's still in his life. I was aware when they had a kid and that was at my lowest point that I decided to move on. now a year and half later I no longer feel like I need him. I feel like I could take him or leave him but recently he's started trying to 'win' me back, but because things have changed in his life (namely, he now has a kid, and the mother of his kid is still in his life) I am leaning toward not wanting to get involved with him again. I'm seeing him in a much different light now in light of his choices and decisions, and that helps me to move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): this happened to me last year (eight years as well), my ex started hanging out with a new crowd and i guess she felt she had missed out and within weeks of her ending our relationship she had hooked up with a new guy.
someone advised me that the time it would take to get over the relationship was one month for each year. and he wasnt far wrong.
so accept that it's gonna hurt for a while yet, but you will get over her.
if she doesn't want you, there is no point in you trying to get back together. remaining friends is a nice idea but it will make it harder for you to get over her.
you now have one foot in the past and one in the present, you gonna have to let it go and try to appreciate that the map of your life is now blank, you are now in a position to find new adventures and challenges and seek out new opportunities.
10 months on from my own unexpected break-up and i am now in a relationship that is more satisfying than the one i grieved over, so you never know what is around the corner.
best of luck fella.
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A
female
reader, alyssajanemccarton  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Sweetie, this sure is a tough situation. What I want you to know is that "it's okayl. After a really long relationship (8 years is pretty long!) it will hurt to break up. For sure. So what you are currently feeling now is normal. Do not hate yourself for it!
From what I've read, it seems like you can only do 2 things.
1) hang around and continue to text her in the hopes that she will eventually return.
Think about it, what are the chances? Sure, you miss her. And I'm sure no matter how she treats you, she misses you too. Yet, after a break up, you must understand that even if you guys got back together, it will not be as easy to return to the way things were. All right, possibly your relationship will be strengthened, but the way things are now, I think it's a pretty slim chance :(. Yet, bear in mind that if things go wrong again, it will hurt even more than now.
2) get over it.
This... Will be hard. I've read somewhere before that it will take half of the duration of your relationship to get over a person. If that's true, it will take 4 years of pain for you. Yet, I think it ain't true. It just depends on your will. From the way you described yourself, you sound like a pretty strong guy(even if you disagree with me now). It's gonna hurt, but with a little faith, I'm sure you will be all right; eventually. :) also, bear in mind that you don't have to be with someone to love them. There's nothing wrong with loving her; the only thing that's wrong is that you deserve better. Face it, times have changed. She has changed due to her niece's influence, and wants to be free. So if you love her, let her go. Who knows, maybe she'll realize how much she actually needs and loves you once she's experienced the REAL WORLD, and may even come back to the loving you.
Ultimately, it's your choice. Don't listen to your head; listen to what your heart wants. And I'm sure it doesn't want to hurt anymore :) cheer up and feel free to message me if you need help! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Never give up hope, she was very special to you,yes, but your first love. Not your only love. You will get over her in time, you will move on with your life.
Let go, don't text. Its less painful in the long run. Allow yourself time to get over her. Dont expect to feel amazing in a few weeks. Don't dwell on the past.
She has been influenced by her neice I am sure but she wouldn't have left you if she hadn't wanted to.
One day it will all make sense, why you split,why it didn't last. Start to look forward and think of where you want to be in a year, set a goal and work towards it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 The last thing you ever want to do is to give up hope. However, you have to divert it. Instead of focusing on what you just lost and hoping she returns to you, you must hope for your own happiness. You've gotta hold on to the fact that if this girl wasn't the one for you, that you will eventually find her, and in the meantime, you'll find yourself.
What happened was that she is young and feels she's missing out on her youth by only dating you. There's nothing you can do or say until she goes out there and experiences life on her own.
You, on the other hand, must focus on you. Hope in yourself. You sound like you have confidence in describing your looks and bedroom prowess. You must also have confidence in your ability to love, and to envision life beyond your ex.
I know you're hoping that she'll return, and therefore you stay in contact with her thinking that if you cut off contact, that she'll be gone forever. My opinion is that the more you are in contact with her now, the less likely that she would return to you. Sounds strange, right?
She wants to experience life on her own. The only way she'll do that and get it out of her system is if you cut the tether all the way. If you're waiting in the wings, staying in contact and keeping a friendship, she'll never feel like she's experienced that.
On the other hand, if you let her go all the way, open her "cage" door, so to speak (I know you don't have her in a cage, but the idea is to let her all the way loose), she'll stop feeling your presence around her. Instead of straining to break free, it's possible that she might realize that she didn't want to be free. But that won't happen unless you finally say goodbye.
Also, what's causing your confusion is exactly because you're staying in contact. You need to heal, stop looking in the past and start living with the possibility of life without her. You can't stop her from dating others if she chooses, but that goes both ways. You also have that option. Chances are, she is indeed going to date someone else. Whether she becomes serious about that guy is in question.
Even if she dates someone else and were to return to you, she is still trustworthy. She didn't cheat on you, nor was she disloyal. She broke up with you face to face. That part hurts, I know, but she gave you respect enough to do it correctly. I'm sure it tore her up, and time will tell what happens.
You must let her go, all the way. Cut the ties with her, until the lease runs out, only have the barest of contact with her. No "How've you been?" and especially "I miss you" stuff. Make it impersonal and businesslike, though cordial. She must feel you slipping away. And you must slip away. This is not a game. You're doing this for you.
Don't find excuses to go over there. If she calls or texts you wanting you to come over to do things for her, politely decline. If she texts that she wants to see you to talk, agree and let her. If she talks to you and gives no indication of wanting to get back together, tell her for your own good and hers that you two need to part ways.
Tell her that you don't wish to hurt or offend her, but you're not interested in a friendship with her. You want to be more than friends, or not at all. Say it with no malice, but simply matter-of-fact. She is not allowed to hedge her bets when it comes to love. She can't keep you around in case her grand experiment with being on her own fails, or you'll wonder whether you're with her by default, or if after you went away, she truly misses you and realizes that you're the love of her life.
You'll never know unless you hope in yourself. Take the time away to do something to better yourself, whether physically, intellectually, spiritually, or emotionally. I know you feel there are a lot of things going for you, but one of the greatest dangers any person can fall into is to feel that they've arrived. So far, your bedroom prowess is limited to one person. Remember, all women are different. What turns on one woman can vehemently turn off another.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (8 February 2012):
Guess what?
The problem with having only one partner is a lack of ability to gauge the value of a partner. Especially for women who are young.
It's like the old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." If you've never seen the other side of the fence and you've seen real grass, almost any hypothetical grass defined by "green" will likely seem to be better.
Which is why she left a potentially good thing for a hypothetical better thing.
Now, the question of what to do.
Every relationship exists only when both partners want it to exist. If you want it and she doesn't, no relationship. If she wants it and you don't, same thing. The question you need to ask is how much time are you willing to sacrifice waiting when you don't know if she will ever want a relationship like that again?
I would wait--personally--a few months. This is because it takes that long to "grieve" an old relationship without being as susceptible to a rebound. It gets you time to come to terms with yourself, single, and figure out how to live without her.
Then, take another assessment--both of you and her--before deciding whether to move on. If she comes back, it's going to be day-by-day for a long time before you have a good idea whether it will happen again. If she doesn't come back, wish her well and move on with your life... Take an opportunity for change (new school... new career... new location...).
Good luck though and hope is a pesky thing to get rid off. Trust me on that one.
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