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anonymous
writes: This about a parenting dilemma. I hope someone can come up with some good advice. My adult son is addicted to drugs.We tried to help him many ways. We never found out ,what happened in his life what made him turn to drugs.. We tried many ways to help,rehab etc. But nothing worked..Now he is a tremendous crisis, and of course, some adult who is involved with him like landlord etc, blaming us and attacking us for everything. Only the professionals can understated, that you don't have to be horrible family to have this happen to you. But its just one thing what hurts.But ,what really hurts, I don't know where to draw the line, he has chosen a damaging dangerous life,so he is always ends up asking for help from us. And its so hard to say no, as you can't stand to see him sick and fallen.And when adults can find the parents, they always say. ""what kind of parents are you ? '' When you don't want to help him, so he would learn from his mistakes. So my question is. How can you have a life if your son is like that, and you don't want to live in fear and guilt all the time? How can you handle such a complex problem? I know ,its more of a relationship site,but its a very common problem, so if you can help me out , please do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Thank you so much! It was emotionally overwhelming,but great feeling all the compassion,and help I got on this site.
It is so good to know how many people does care. The advices were quite different, all of them made lot of sense, but it shows the difficulty of the situation. So hard to know what is the right thing to do..
''keep them in arm length, or let them hit rock bottom''
Both have great risk, in the first case you might let them get away with more and let their situation get worst, in the other case you might loose them forever... Its everybody 's personal experience. Like if you see our loved one turned around after rock bottom , than you will believe this way is the way, but if you found them dead cold blue, on the street, you will have so much regret, why you didn't do more.. So I guess, no matter what, it a long journey, and a lot depends on luck, or other words on faith.. Thanks again ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): I'm sorry that your kids have put you all through so much pain. I don't have any experience with this, but I just wanted to thank each and every person here, especially the original poster, thanks very much for sharing your stories, with everyone here on this board. I'm so sorry that you have all suffered...
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reader, BigSis  +, writes (29 September 2008):
 Sorry about that, clicked the send button by accident.=====Part Two: )Anyway, we endured weeks of mood swings and nasty behaviour, he was really horrible to me. But thanks to his twin sister and her husband, we managed to get him to realise that his life WAS worth living and because he absolutely idolised his sister's little boy, who was also his godson, we got him through it.....saying things like 'what kind of role model are you?' and 'Do you honestly want littlun to grow up not knowing you, his godfather, and that you weren't there for him, to see him grow up'. and to know his godfather and uncle got himself killed 'coz of this addiction.All he had to do now was pay off his debts to these guys. Now I didn't know about this, until again one day I came home and sensed something no quite right, I went into my bedroom and found it to be completely ransacked, No other room had been touched. I couldn't understand it.My front door hadn't been broken into, nothing struck out at me as being missing in the lounge, in as far as stereo, tv, video equipment etc. but a statue, that was an ancient artifact of Greece, it was one of a pair, but the other had been broken by the person who gave it to me. It was worth hundreds, if not - a couple of thousand, to my knowledge.I had loads of jewellery pieces missing too. That didn't bother me, it was the sentimental value of those and the statue that upset me most. I called the police and they did the usual finger printing stuff. They reckoned that someone had access to a front door key - as there was no forced entry.That's when I realised my son must have given them (those guys) a key to my home. About a week later, my son came home looking like death warmed up and told me 'they' were after him. 'They' apparently were the very 'top' guys of the 'ring', which we had reason to believe were involved in the shootings in our surrounding areas. These guys didn't know my son personally or vice versa, thank God!You can only imagine how scared we were. Within half an hour I got him to a station far from my home and sent him off to a safe haven. He's been clean since, and the fact that we stuck close by him and risked all our lives for him has made him realise that life was and is too precious to ever make that mistake again.Forgive me for going on for so long but, be thankful you haven't heard the rest. He's safe now, (I hope) it's been over 8 years. He tends to forget how many times I bailed him out financially, but I don't care about that anymore, I mug him now if I ever need anything!I'm just glad I never threw him out like some people suggested I should have done..and like Waz says, keep him at arm's length and always be there for him and try your utmost to make him realise that it's his family he's killing not himself if he carries on the way he is.I wish you and your family the strength and the very best best of luck and hope your son pulls through and out of this phase of his life.Keep safe.BigSisxXx
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reader, BigSis +, writes (29 September 2008):
First of all, let me convey my deepest condolences to you Waz, I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been a dreadful knock-back for the whole family, especially as you all thought your dear nephew was back on the 'normal' road again (so to speak). What a waste. I too have a story to tell, and thankfully one that doesn't end in such tragic circumstances.My son when about 22 got himself involved with the wrong crowd at his local pub, like many, he smoked the odd bit of weed. It turns out that the people he got involved with took him under their wing. He was very gullible at the time and thought he knew it all.He's a very presentable lad with a great sense of humour, very good looking, got charm but most of all got that wonderful thing called 'the gift of the gab'. Unbeknown to me, these so called mates got him involved in dealing. By that I mean selling the stuff on. He, I believe, started to take the heavier stuff, needed money to fund his habit, so he was using the money he was making for these guys.I had no idea how deep in debt he was and what kind of trouble he had gotten himself into. It wasn't until I came home from work one day to hear him in his room sobbing. I saw him curled up in the foetal position on the floor in the corner of his bedroom. He was sobbing his heart out, like a baby, he was bright red in the face, sweating and shivering. I just grabbed him and hugged him and made him tell me what had happened, I hadn't a clue, he never showed any signs of being an addict, if I saw him a little red eyed I naturally assumed he was just stoned, his mood swings I guessed were down to the pot, and something he inherited from his (bastard) father, but that's a totally different story. All he kept saying was, "Mum I'm sorry, mum help me please, mum I can't breathe". I wanted to call an ambulance but he wouldn't let me, I managed to calm him down, made him a drink and made sure he fell asleep. I'd never seen anything like this before. To see a grown lad - YOUR OWN grown lad in a state like that was every mother's nightmare.I phoned my brother and he told me to just keep him close and be strong and also to be ready to accept whatever he may throw at me
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 September 2008):
 Its a nightmare isn't it. My little bro who is 26 went bankrupt a few yrs ago because he basically ran up 20 grand of debt because of drugs.We have the most brilliant mum ever, and she is in the same position as you still. She used to give him money when he said he would get his legs broken if he didn't pay dealers. Then she knew she had to stop that, so she only put electric on his metre, and bought him food now n then, but all that meant was any money he earnt, he spent on partying! So now she is trying her best not to pay for anything apart from 20 quid a month rent arrears to stop him losing his flat, otherwise he will be living at hers and her boyfriend has already made it clear he wont stay there if my bro ends up on her doorstep. But what do you do, if your child is on your doorstep starving and nowhere to go, you will help them!My mum started going to counselling support for families of drug addicts. He isn't addicted to heroin, and as far as i know he hasn't and wouldn't try heroin, but people dont realise there are all sorts of drugs about.Mum bought us all up the same, my older sister has a good job and family, works in land registry, i have a home and family, am very good with money, yet little bro ended up in this terrible world of drugs. We do wonder if he has adhd and would really like him to get that looked into. But he isn't interested in anything but having a good time at the moment.People can get hooked on drugs from all walks of life, and its not only people with bad upbringings that it happens to.Try and find out if there are any support groups in your area for families and they will guide you.My mum was told not to give him any money, but as i said, what do you do if they dont seem to have the ability to sort themselves out and make sure they have any food to eat?C xxxxxx
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reader, dollparts  +, writes (29 September 2008):
 He doesn't want that kind of help, he doesn't want to get off drugs. And I know what your say when you said its hard to watch him sick and fallen but when it comes down to it you have to let him hit rock bottom. I know this because when I was little my dad was a heroin addict. You need to start thinking of your own life, you can't let it control you and you cannot blame your self. I know it worries you and I know it scares the shit out of you but really you need to let him hit rock botton without help its the best thing you can do because once you hit rock bottom, you know the only place you can go after that? Its up! He'll start hating the drugs an I can tell you it wont be long it happeneds to all of them they only take it so they don't get sick in the end. He will get so sick of them and when he does thats when you give him and hand don't give him a away out give him a hand up. I maybe young but I my self have been around the block more then a few times so if you ever need to talk I'm here just a message away
X
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): I have had friends like taht and it wa sad to see their parenst do nothing but deny the reality that their sons or daughters were addicts. esepcially when it drew one of them to a suicidal attempt.If you can, forstly what you shoudl do is take him to rehap, therapy ad find professional help. Just because you are looking for help it does not mean you have failed as a pernt. That is something you should never think. Obly him for this help, threaten him f necessary,. but make him find help. It can take years, but trust me, it is better than finding him dead with a needle stuck somewhere in his body.I am teling you from experience, the best you can do is fin help.Stop paying his rentmake him live at home iwth youtak ehim udner controlIt will be like he wa sfive again, watching his every step, ut people with this kind of difficulty do need this in orde rto get btter. He will hate you at the begining and say you cant control his life, butyou can. you brought him to this wrld and him letting you help him is the least he coudl do.Talk to him about his addcition, ask your husband help in finsing a suitiable clininc. go to meetings iwth parents who suffer the same problem.These can be quite enlighting.But please, find professional help.Let us know how things went. Best of luck
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