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female
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anonymous
writes: Recently me and my husband found out that our 16-year-old son has been dating a 43-year-old woman and has got engaged to her.We asked our son if this was true, and he said it was.He told us he is talking of getting engaged to her and having children with her as soon as he leaves college.He is doing well academically, and told us when he leaves college he is going to get a job, as university doesn't appeal to him. He also told us that this woman has no children but wants some.In our family there is very little history of age gaps - our 19-year-old daughter is dating a 21-year-old man (the age gap is 3 years, it doesn't worry us!) - how should me and my husband deal with this??Advice is appreciated - Irish, Bev, anyone, help us please!Marie in Nottingham, United Kingdomxxx
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male
reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (24 January 2006):
When I was 16 I wanted to play adult. Its a hormonal phase. They have had good sex. She is experienced. She has the works. He is enjoying sex. Let him. Its fun for her too. She can 'manipulate' and get it 'right' this time. Or so she thinks. It'll be over. An engagement doesnt result in divorce. Just be there for him. Why not invite her over for dinner? Be nice to her. It'll irritate him for sure. He's just working out some deep resentment against you - his parents.If you react -he'll be pleased. If you respond, he'll be annoyed. Works all the time. Well, wild oats sowing can turn out like this sometimes. Dont pull him to the pond. No tugging is necessay. Just add generous amounts of salt. He'll be thirsty enough to beg you the directions to the pond of reasoning. A good drink. He'll come to his senses. And a lot of wiser. Sometimes, when you want to be old and wise, first you'll have to be young and foolish.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (24 January 2006):
 Nothing.
You do nothing, except be there to support him when it all blows up. If you tell him "No" then you will push them together.
Be the parents you have always been, support him, love him, let him make his mistakes (which this is because that age difference makes her a predator and him abused)Eventually he will tire of playing at being a grown-up with this reather mature lady and come home to MUm and Dad.
Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (24 January 2006):
 as this is legal there is not alot that you can do.
i wanted to add that although i am not quite as old as the woman your son is seeing i was 24 when i started seeing my husband who was just turned 17 when we met, his parents got all destructive on us saying that he needs to get out there 'sow his wild oats' travel see the world (i had a baby) they did eveything they could to destry our relationships and making comments to me about his age , even when he took on my son as his own child and got me pregnant they still tried to come between us and had private little 'words ' with him on how he wouldnt have to take responsibilty for the baby if he joined the army, ......
all they suceeded in doing was giving me and my husband depression, oh and driving us closer together, there was a point at which i truley believe we would of split up for good if it hadnt been for wanting to proove them wrong !
so i say your best bet is to leave it alone just let your son know that your there for him cos anything else is likely to put a wedge between you and your son and unite him and this woman against you.
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A
female
reader, Lovesmelovesmenot +, writes (19 January 2006):
In the UK is this legal? CAn a 43 year old person be with a 16 year old child? cuz here in canada and parts of the US it is illegal, i'd call the police as this is child rape.Assuming they are having sex. Or just pray to GOD they break up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2006): You can give your son guidance, and also be supportive and cautious at the same time. Don't forbid him to do what he wants with his girlfriend. Just show him that you and your husband cares and is worried, but tell him that you accept his decision (if you do). I know it's quite difficult probably for you two, but even if he is young, ultimately, it is something he wants. Time will tell, if this was meant to be or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2006): Come on people!
A 43-year-old woman who's having an "affair" *sigh* with a 16-year-old child is either retarded or incredibly stupid and selfish. In the best case scenario she just has a really low self-esteem.
Being 16 ones, I can say that guys that age would even hump a Chia Pet if there was a hole in it. So this "being able" to get a younger guy is not really an accomplishmnet...
As said before - if it's illegal - stop it!
If I were you, I would have very serious conversation with this woman... Having to talk with an ADULT might just wake/shake her up a little bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2006): Let your son carry on and accept his choice. Love knows no barriers. If it is true love it will work out and if not he will see the light. The worst thing to do is to make him feel uncomfortable, you need to be supportive.
This is from a 49 year old woman that is in love with a 28 year old man and it works and has for quite sometime now.
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A
female
reader, Danielle1989 +, writes (17 January 2006):
Well you son is 16, you certainly cannot stop him. I doubt this relationship will last, although you really need to meet this woman and maybe discuss their future plans, of course act civilised towards this woman as she may just, truly love your son.
if university does not appeal to your son then that is his choice you cannot make it for him. He still has college to finish and by the time he has finished college, he may very well have changed his mind about his career and relationship. Bare with your son, try talking to him with an open mind and not a one sided view of the situation.
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A
female
reader, Anika +, writes (17 January 2006):
 The first concern you should have is, is this legal? What is the age of consent where you live? If your son is not old enough to legally consent to a sexual relationship, you need to discuss this with him. Aside from any personal problems you may have with the relationship, it is important to know what the legalities are. If the age of consent is above sixteen and your son is at all behaving sexually with this women, he needs to understand that the woman could be severely punished for it. However, do know that in many places, it is legal for someone of any age to date someone of any age if there is absolutely zero sexual touching. Basically, a relationship where the only physical stuff is holding hands and *maybe* a quick kiss here and there. Let your son know that if he does something you are sure is illegal, you will be obligated to take some sort of action. You don’t want to get in trouble yourself if it later comes out that he was doing something illegal and you knew but didn’t tell anyone.
After this is discussed, you'll have to think about what you personally want to do about it. If you disapprove, then you may want to remember that most relationships do come to an end sooner than the people in them expect them to, especially when one person in the relationship is so young. If you push your son to break contact with the woman, he will very possibly rebel to the point of recklessness. However, if you let him know that, though you don't like what he is doing, you still believe it's his choice - he will not only trust you with more details of his life, but he'll trust you to be sensible and will, in time, be more likely to go to you for advice when he needs it. If you let him deal with this on his own (as long as he stays legal), then it’s even possible that he will eventually come to the conclusion that the age gap is too great. If, even as he gets older, he still feels the age gap is okay and always was… chances are there was never a problem in the first place.
You should also ask to meet the woman or at least speak to her on the phone. Let your son know that it is not for the purpose of being bothersome, but for the purpose of better understanding what is going on, and that you will not be cruel to the woman as some people might be. As for the woman, you should let her know that, though you are very confused about this situation and don’t necessarily approve, you will not ban her from seeing your son unless she does anything illegal with him. You should let her know how you feel about everything, but try to do so in a tactful way. Don’t throw around any accusations (calling names, asking her what on earth she’s thinking, etc) or raise your voice. Try to keep that saying about catching more bees with honey in your mind.
Last of all, my personal opinion of age differences - I don’t think they are always bad. In the same way that it would sound ludicrous to me if someone said two people from different countries, two different races, two different religions could not date (and two different ways of life are often just as hard to reconcile as two different stages of life), it sounds ludicrous to me when someone claims a consensual age gap is *always* bad. In the end, each situation must be judged individually. If you judge something without considering the context, then you won’t judge it correctly.
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A
female
reader, lizabeth +, writes (17 January 2006):
that's quite a situation. well you can't stop him really, technically he isnt a minor anymore. i'm sure its just a phase. i mean he can't get married at his age anyway, not until hes 18 and then he would have probably thought about going clubbing and seen how much attention he gets off other girls. hes not the first teenager thats done this and he certaiinly won't be the last. trust, the mariage won't go ahead and if it does be supportive, try and make him rebel against you by agreeing to this
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