A
female
age
41-50,
*noppy
writes:Is my marriage over? I feel so insecure he is with me for the wrong reasons.Here goes, I have been married for 10yrs and with my husband for 13yrs. Our sex life goes through cycles, over 2 years ago it was bad I admit, once every 6 weeks. We tried new things to renew the spark and things improved a lot. The last 19 months its been 2x a week. My husband sujested swinging 15 months ago, I was shocked and upset at first, but after a lot of thought,I agreed! It did sound very exciting!We enjoyed our 1st experience and wanted more! After a few months I realised I wasn't really enjoying it! Anyway hubby meet a girl through a weekend away at a sports event. They slept together and then she got hold of his number a few weeks later. He saw her 3x more in a small space. I was worried he was getting carried away and asked him to cool it a bit. He agreed, or so I thought, I found out just after xmas he started seeing her behind my back. I went to my grandads funeral, he died unexpectantly just before xmas! Hubby invited her to stay the night!I was destrote he could do this to me at such a sensitive time! He was going to leave me for her breaking all promises and rules. He didn't leave me in the end as he realised how much he really loves me. It is definatly over with her now and I no longer want anything to do with swinging!He tried to blame me at first saying i didn't give him enough sex and attention. Is 2x a week not enough? I told him to leave if he wasn't happy still! Now he says he just got carried away and he was selfish!I am worried weather he is just with me for the wrong reasons after this. I feel so insecure, I don't know if it will ever be the same again! To me he hasn't gone out of his way to makes things up to me, his excuse is I have lost my job and he can't afford it! I have pointed out you don't need money so he put a little heart I made for him in my bed twice and ran me a bath, made me breakfast in bed. It just doesn't feel like enough, i am sure he could do a lot more if he really meant it or is it just me?
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his ex, insecure, money, sex life, spark, swinging Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I am sorry for your pain..really I am. You've been hurt. He wanted this --you didn't, and he ended up going beyond the boundaries of swinging and began 'cheating'. Therein lies the problem. I think this whole thing scarred you emotionally.
Sexuality in a healthy marriage are between the two married partners, exclusively. When you start adding other people into the equation, you lose that deep, special intimacy, reserved for a man and his wife. Without the intimacy and opening up the bedroom to others causes sex to lose it's special meaning because it's no longer exclusive to just the two of you. Better choices could have been made. This what the majority of females feel. I do think other options could have been used, to make the sex better in this marriage, instead of opening the sexual boundaries and allowing others to get involved. Your husband wanted to 'cheat with your permission' and this could be the root of your problem. You allowed the 'swinging' but he broke the rules. He moved onto the next step..actually finding someone else to exclusively have sex with, on the side. And you feel at a loss, betrayed and very insecure.
An open marriage is not for many of us and usually it's toughest on the female. As women we are not geared towards this type of sexual behaviors in a committed relationship. We tend to be very committed to one person. So I do believe when a married man is/was openly interested in sleeping with other females, that was a very frightening concern in any marriage. He is the other half of this marriage isn't he?
You need to look after yourself here. You've been deeply hurt. If you want to save this marriage and start anew with him...then get into marriage counseling to learn techniques on how to communicate better, to gain his respect because the lack of that respect for you and the meaning of marriage..is why he did this. Get into marriage counseling...pronto and never, ever tolerate this behaviour in your life and marriage again. Take care, dear and hang in there.
A
male
reader, Horne  +, writes (3 February 2009):
The swinging lifestyle is full of wrecked marriages and wrecked relationships. That doesn't mean its impossible. It just means it takes exceptional people who have a bottom line understanding of what's right for them, who is important to them, and a commitment to communication. Few people go into it thinking about what they stand to lose. Most I've known went into it with the excitement value in mind and ended up blaming the other when things went bad.
Truth is, both sides are to blame. It takes both sides to fix it. One side can't. Sit him down and talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. I don't mean argue or debate, just tell him. Tell him what you want, and find out what he wants. Swinging in some ways to some people is like opening Pandora's box. All kinds of things spill out and if the relationship isn't rock solid to begin with, the road tends to get rocky and get that way fairly quick.
There's another truth you may have to face and that is that your relationship is on its last legs. Finding out what he wants may no longer mesh with what you want. Nothing likes to feel caged after its been free. That's the feeling you're going to have to battle. In the midst of that feeling in him, you're wanting attention, a reaffirmation of his love, the sense of things as they once were. The emotions you're feeling are not the same ones he's feeling. He's dealing with the cut off of incorporating others and your needs at the same time. Its kind of like being hit from two sides. Remember, you went into this with him voluntarily. Now you're backing off and saying no. You bear as much responsibility here as he does. That means you're going to have to work as hard or harder than he does because he wasn't the one saying stop stop stop.
Don't push the needy side of it right now. I hate saying that because if the love is there, it should come naturally, but both of you are dealing with the aftermath and feeling different things. Keep the communication open. Keep showing him how you feel. He needs to understand what you're feeling and you need to try and understand what he's feeling. Neither of you can get your relationship back on track without caring enough to look past what is troubling the other, not just yourself.
Make sure he understands that others are not an option now and spend the time working on the two of you. Get counseling if you need to. You very well may need an outside voice to help you both understand what the other is feeling right now.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (3 February 2009):
 I think this whole thing has made you feel totally insecure and you are looking to him to help you feel more secure but he does seem a little insensitive inviting a girl back is bad enough but when you have just had your grandad's funeral seems a bit extreme.
Nevertheless, i think things can be improved here and all is not lost but you really do need to sit down with him and have a good long chat about your feelings and let him know that what has happened recently has made you feel very insecure and you are questioning how he actually feels for you.
I think he does love you and he is sorry for what has happened but if he is not at ease with showing his feelings and never has been no amount of coaxing will help him to do this and the fact that he is not carrying out your requests is only making you feel more insecure so i wouldn't persue this route.
I think the answer is for you to spend a little more quality time together go out more during your spare time you will have a lot more to talk about and you will hopefully inject a little fun and even romance back into your relationship.
I think that the problem basically lies with you he can help you to a degree and i understand that you feel he should show his love for you more but i think you need to build a little bit more trust into your relationship now as it has took a bit of a knock recently but i am sure it can be repaired.
Good luck x
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