A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I been single over 12 months and joined a few dating sites. Have been chatting to a woman in the USA for about 2 weeks and we really get on. Because we get on she has now set her profile to 'private' so she can concentrate on me, and she has plans to come over to the UK to see me in the next 6 months. I talk to a few women on these sites and some of them want to meet up with me. Im not leading the USA woamn on and we both agreed that we live our lives until we meet and see what happens from there, but I feel guilty now at the thought of meeting anyone else; not for me but because she seems to think we are somehow 'a couple', thats what Im getting off her. We havent said we are dating, or that we are together in any way, just by her actions and some of the things she says. Its as if she pinning all hopes on me. Is it ok for me to meet anyone else before I meet the woman from the USA, or is that not the done thing? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 Yes, please be specific. Spell it all out clearly. You don't HAVE to,technically, but it is more gentlemanly and honest.
You are not intentionally leading her on, and one could say that if she is so crazy to pin all her hopes , after just two weeks of convos, on a guy she has never met yet and lives across the ocean , she DESERVES a rude awakening. But, again, it's never a bad thing to show some class ,and compassion- particularly when it does not cost you anything.
" We agreed we'll be living our lives for now " is a bit vague, and may mean different things to different people. It may be taken as " we won't think of relocating for the other person ", " we'll keep prioritizing, for now, work or friends over the relationship " , etc.
Be blunt and inequivocable, tell her that you are seeing other people , as she is welcome to do too. Make it very clear that you are not exclusive.
What she wants to do with this info, and if she still wants to risk her money and time for visiting you, it's up to her. But at least she can make an informed decision.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Sounds like she misunderstood you. She does not understand that "living our lives" to you means continuing to look for other potential dating partners. You need to clarify explicitly that you are still looking for other women as potential dating partners. Allowing someone to continue thinking about something that's not true, IS being misleading.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Hi
I understand the wanting to meet, to see if there is anything 'there' in the flesh so to speak but you have only been chatting for 2 weeks. Unless you do absolutely nothing else in your life, it only adds up to a few hours conversation.
Her setting her profile to private and making plans to fly across the world, after such a brief spell, is a bit scary in many ways.
I don't know what you have said that makes her so keen but I would definately let her know she is one of a few women and that you intend to meet up with some of them if the chance arises.If your profile is still public then keep it that way.Do not lead her on or lie then the choice is hers as to whether she visits or keeps chatting.
For all you know she could be on 4 other dating sites or seeing 4 men a week and will *never* visit you, or even remember your name in a month.
But at least you will have been honest with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): It's totally ok for you to continue dating that is why you are on the dating site, to meet people for a drink this weekend not possibly 6 months down the road if you can make it across a 4,000 mile stretch of ocean.
Some people are clingy. That is THEIR problem, not yours. She is putting you in a really awkward position, she seems completely out of touch with reality. That should be a red flag.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 February 2013):
 In all honesty if you felt the same way about this woman as she feels about you, having other dates probably wouldn't even be on your mind and nobody can make you feel something you don't want to.
Online things are a bit dodgy to begin with and you never really know someone is compatible until you meet them and spend time. The USA lady seems a bit too presumptious that things will work out with you when she actually has no idea. Stay friends with her, but don't put your life on hold. If and when she does come to see you, that will be the time to decide...but until then, your a free agent and you will know when you meet the right lady. Tell her you'd like to date other people because online chat, for you, just isn't quite enough.
good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Ask her if it;s okay and also be sure you'd be with her doing it too.
We'll all have different opinions but she's the only one whose opinion matters here.
I personally only date one person at a time and demand the same respect. I don't like the idea that I may have been seeing other people while dating a woman I fall in love with. Plus it does lessen the chance that things will develop, I believe every women I date deserves my full attention and effort until she shows herself to be unsuitable as a partner etc.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I would make sure you are VERY clear with her that you are still out there meeting other women. AND I would do it ASAP. AND FREQUENTLY.
She has the right to do what she pleases based on accurate information. She may still come to see you. She may also NOT HEAR what you are saying....
I think the reason you are uncomfortable with where your relationship stands right now is due to your picking up that she's more invested than you are. Sadly I think you are much more realistic about this than she is....
I also think that you will have to remind her more than once about the agreement..... I think she's suffering from selective memory problems....
LDRs are very very hard even in the same country. I do not think she's being realistic.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2013):
I'm not clear on exactly how clear you've been with her. If she claims to understand that you're not waiting for her than you're doing nothing wrong.
I have to ask: what is the point in this type of relationship? If you go over it in your head how do you see it playing out with someone so far away?
What if you guys hit it off well? Will she stay there unable to work, just to date you? I'm asking because I'm curious, but I also get the feeling that people don't actually think of these things themselves.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 This woman sounds lonely or desperate. Id run. Play the field n dont feel guilty!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I think your answer would be found in the Golden Rule -- treat others how you would want to be treated.
You said this: "Im not leading the USA woamn on and we both agreed that we live our lives until we meet and see what happens from there,"
If that were true, this USA woman wouldn't be preparing to spend thousands of dollars to come to the UK to see you if she really honestly didn't believe you were only into her. She put her profile on private. That is the opposite of "agreeing".
And what's going to happen in 6 months when she does see you? Are you going to greet her the moment you see her and inform her straight away that you're also seeing other people, or will you wait until you've told her sweet nothings and had sex with her?
No. You need to tell her now that you don't consider each other exclusive, and before she meets with you, you are seeing other women. It's not right at all that you're keeping up several relationships where other women are planning to meet you in person. That's using women.
So it's NOT okay to meet other women before this USA woman comes to see you unless you TELL the USA woman that other internet women are coming to meet you in person. How would you like it if you spend time and energy and a whole lot of money to meet a woman you're really into, only to find out that she met and had sex with 4 other men while she was sweet talking you up? Don't even begin to tell me that you wouldn't have sex with the other women who want to come and meet you. Don't waste your breath or keystrokes. The internet has that weird, funny way of romanticizing the "big meeting" that inevitably get people thinking that it's some lifelong romance crossing the ends of the earth to fall into each other's arms. People will get hurt.
You do the right thing and tell the USA woman the truth...the WHOLE truth and not some stupid "we agree to live our lives" crap that doesn't get explicit in that you're meeting up and carrying on internet relationships with other women. If you have integrity, you'll fully disclose that fact to Ms. USA before she spends another penny to see you or spends another second in "private" mode.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (21 February 2013):
 It is ok to meet whoever you want, but tell her before she comes over. It is not fair to meet others, if she is coming over and believing you are an item (like it seems she does). If you havent sealed a deal then let her know. It would be cruel not to.
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