A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:please help,i come from a very religious family. we are christians and my family follow the faith to the letter. recently they found out that my best friend is a lesbian through the gossips in our village. they were disgusted. they told me that she is going to burn in hell and is a disgrace to her family. I stuck up for her and told them that its the 21st century and people shouldnt be discriminated for who they fall in love with. They told me they think she is brainwashing me and they do not want me to be her friend or ever speak to her. they said they are very proud of me for being "normal" and know that i will follow their orders because i love them!!! I was devastated but not because she is just my friend. Im devastated because the truth is im a lesbian too and me and my best friend have been dating for 8 months. i love her more that life itself. we didnt tell anyone of our relationship or my sexuality because i didnt want to upset my family for something that i didnt know would work out. i had thought about telling them but now i never can!!what am i supposed to do? i know im 20 and have my own life and can live it as i like but....my family have been through a lot recently and we rely on each other to get through. My older sister died 2 years ago in an accident and now im all my parents have got. This news would destroy them. it would destroy our family but how can i carry on behind their back living a lie?? i cant break the relationship off, i love my girlfriend too much and believe with all my heart that we are meant to be together. one way or the other im going to hurt someone and i will be hurt no matter what i choose. please help me with some friendly advice to try and make the best decision possible.thankyou xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): hi my name is alana and think you should to follow your heart could you imagine if your if your familly found out what would you do then.
Accept yourself or live a lie until one day it comes out sometimes we cant always have our cake and eat it you cant go on like this and need to make decision good luck x
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Wow I'm amazed that there are people in the UK who still believe in hell, in America for sure but hell just isn't very British and it really isn't very 21st century.
Don't tell your parents just yet but do get yourself out of this medieval village and into the big bad city where you can be who you want to be.
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A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Hearing this kind of stuff infuriates me! Love is love is love is love!!!!!!! Why can't people understand that? Why do these religions instill such fear. We need to question these beliefs! I had to secretly see my girlfriends behind my parents back for years because of their Catholic based fears of hell. It hurt me to lie but I knew they couldnt handle it. What matters is that you follow your truth not theirs you follow your heart and be true to yourself and the rest does not matter. When I was 30 I finally told my mom about the girl I was seeing and we had a horrible fight about it but I was at a place where I felt strong enough to stand by who I was and also knew she was in a good place as well and that she may be able to handle it. She never did understand it and thats okay but she accepted that I needed to have that experience.I always advocate transparency but in this case I think that you are showing respect by not rocking the boat at this time and causing undue stress to your family. Affairs of the heart sometimes need to grow secretly. Try to be in a space to appreciate their point of view for that is what they believe to be right which does not mean you need to agree or defend it...P.S There is an amazing book called Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh that got me through the same struggle, give it a read it will support your heart not condemn it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): Alot of people like to think they know Christianity inside out, but they don't realize how much they end up judging others in the world, while trying to label themselves a Christian. Anytime they mislabel you directly or indirectly (as in the reference to what they believe normal is), tell them not to judge others, because Jesus loves everyone equally, and taught us not to judge (lest we be judged ourselves). Don't let people judge you because of their own failure to understand in life. I believe that part of that equally in life includes not having to state openly what sexual gender you are, like YouWish said. If heterosexuals don't have to, then it's no different for those who are gay. I'm not gay myself, but if I was, I would take that route of privacy, and date who I wanted to anyway, just like I would now. If anyone wants to come against you along the way, then tell them it's never right to judge, and if they're Christian, let them know that Jesus views us all equally and that it's a right and a preference, not a sin, to be gay, just as it is, to be heterosexual. Stand up for yourself when people discriminate against you, and if any Christian has a problem with you, go to the church, and higher, and eventually if you have to, to another church, until you know that one church is accepting of you and will be on your side when others discriminate and judge you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 One thing to keep in mind is, not telling your parents isn't the equivalent of "living a lie". Do you know many heterosexuals who feel like they're living a lie unless they announce their sexual preference?
Bottom line, it's none of your parents' business. You are you, and if you choose to tell them, that is your decision. But don't feel like you're living a lie if you don't. That's for the movies. Living a lie would be to deny your sexual orientation, marry a guy, and live miserably ever after. You're not doing that.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (11 June 2010):
 The best thing you can do is tell your parents, you will hurt them but this is you and even if you choice to stay quiet, how long would it take for your family to find out your a lesbian. Imagine someone can see you hugging your girlfriend, holding her hand, kissing her, there are just to many chances that the truth will be known. Its not like your living in a different state where you can keep it a secret till you got ready to tell them. The best thing you can do is tell them the truth because even if you choice to just break it up with your girlfriend remember you will have other girlfriends that will follow. Unless you decide to leave your life lying to yourself just to please your family.
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A
male
reader, maidangela7349 +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Your sexuality is what you are born with it may change over time marginally but it wont alter drastically so you should accept that you will be a lesbian for the rest of your life. Of course you should tell your parents and okay it may upset them but the reason they are upset is not your fault it is the fault of whoever told them it was wrong for a girl to be a lesbian and it is not wrong so it is that person who is at fault. I am sorry to hear that your sister was killed. That is something no family every really gets over but as you are their only daughter they will have to accept you as you are and you are a lesbian and no amount of telling them or not telling them is going to alter that
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Ah yess, the oldest dilema in time...Faith versus reality. i'm sad to report there is but one path to follow if you believe in the bible and doesn't include same sex unions. Ergo, you will have to remove yourself from the back and forth and make a choice. Everlasting piece or immediate self-gratification. In my world view you have a problem bigger than life itself and need serious counxil from your religous leaders that are trained in these issues. it truley is between you and your God. Asking any of "us" out here in cyberland will be of little use. I'll pray for you and that you may find peace., with love, R
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (11 June 2010):
 I would strongly encourage you to tell your parents the truth. If they have a problem with it, then it is THEIR problem, and if they love you they will have to find a way overcome it. I have never understood how the christian concept of (agape) love is apparently irreconciliable with homosexuality.
Ultimately, you are not going to change in your sexuality, so as far as I see it your choice is to continue lying to your parents at the sacrifice of your happiness for the rest of your life, or tell them, live as you choose to and hope that they will learn to accept it. It sounds like you have something very special with your girlfriend, but you're right, it can't blossom in secrecy.
I also want to say I am very sorry about what happened to your sister, but that doesnt mean you have to live for your parents now. Part of bringing children into the world is accepting that they may not follow the path you imagine to be best for them; I'm sure they'd rather you were happy than miserable for their sake.
Good luck, post back if you need any more support :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): You have a right to love who you want. Do NOT listen to your family they're being ignorant, go with your bestfriend or you will regret it forever an live a life where you constantly resent your parents and feel opressed,if you tell your family there is hope in the future they will understand.I know you'll feel bad about your family but you are 20 and need to be yourself, don't waste time you only live once
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): Well first off, I am not a lesbian, never had a gay experience, but I know lesbian women and what their experiences have been, and I know women who are straight that went through a period of being brainwashed by a dominant dyke type lesbian and sexually experimented with her, they were in your age group.
I can't tell you which category you fall into, from what you are saying here you are in love, or you could just be terribly offended by what your parents told you.
You can't discount their feelings about this or decide they don't know you and love you, they do, and the bottom line is their intentions are good, they are really wanting to protect you from harm.
My lesbian friends tell me that choosing a lesbian lifestyle is very difficult. There is a lot of drama even abuse that comes with women dating women, and it can be confusing as to how to go forth in the world with issues like raising and having children. Honestly, these were lesbian's words, not mine nor my judgements.
So think very hard on really what was going on in your life at the time you entered into this affair, and give yourself some time to really let this thing play out and see how you feel then about being a lesbian. You are youong, you may not really know who you really are. You have been through some trauma with your family losing your sister like that and there is a lot of healing work that has to be done. I agree, now is not the time to give them your news.
In reality, nothing has changed. You have been carrying on this affair behind their backs for months. Continue doing the same and hold your tongue. Things will work out in their due time, be patient and the answers will come to you.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (11 June 2010):
Your so-called Christian family are despicable. If they followed their faith to the letter, they would not be disgusted by a gay person. Nor would they tell them that they are going to burn in hell. What an absolutely hateful family you have, I feel sorry for you.Although I'm an atheist, my father is a vicar in the Church of England. He'd never speak against anyone who doesn't "conform" to his religion. He would never actively promote homosexuality, but on the other-hand, he is a very accepting person whether it be gay, Muslim, atheist, or any other non-christian. You should remember, to be a good christian you tend to have to try and know Jesus, and try and follow in his behaviour. If you're gay then that's just the way it is. Religious people will probably tell you otherwise, but someones sexual orientation is what it is. You have a tough choice, you either tell them your sexual identity, or you keep it a secret.Perhaps in your case, at your young age, it would be better for you to not to tell them. Do they really need to know? Tell your parents your partner is "just a close friend" and stay in the closet. I also suggest you try and extend your gay / lesbian network so that you don't feel alone in this situation.As for your families intolerance. Harsh as it sounds, fuck them. It is their problem if they are so hateful! When you get a bit older, you can move out and be more independent and the small-mindedness of your family won't matter. You can be the better person, so be it, and good luck.
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