A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My ex bf abused me and now he wants me back. He promises hes changed and so on. He says he regrets it and would do anything for me. He admits to be an idiot. He says he loves me- something he never told me when we were in a relationship. He says we are made for each other, we are meant to be and his life is incomplete without me.During the relationship my self esteem was worn down so that I barely had any self respect because of the abuse. I finally started feeling like my old self fter the break up, and now he comes back into my life and wants me back. I dont know how I could trust him again.Part of me wants him back so badly, but I dont want to go back to the same abusive relationship. I dont know if he is being genuine and if he has changed or not. I am scared to take him back and get stuck in the same abusive relationship again. What if I take him back and he abuses me again? if he is still the same person, then he will play the same game- nice and sweet at first for a while, just long enough to suck me in, then once he can see i have given myself to him again, he will change and abuse me, and by then its too late for me to just pick up and leave because my feelings are so strong.He hasnt shown any signs of being changed- just his words. Having said that, he hasnt been treating me badly either though. Is it possible that maybe our breakup has really made him stop and think about his behaviour and made him change for the better for real?
View related questions:
self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Zahir_is_burning  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Yes..he might have changed. Listen u also need to do some soul searching that what from ur side used to get him abusing u? Hope u wouldn’t mind that there’s might have been something from ur side that used to get him behaving aggressively. Just give him a second chance and work things that went wrong. Look in this world nobody is perfect, we all learn from our mistakes and get our personality modified . Men also get into abusing thing when he’s not well of financially, though it’s not an excuse to abuse someone that u love. Tell me ur ex-BF was financially well off? Hey just give him a chance and see what he does this time. Hope to see u again here on this form having spent some time with himGood Luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 October 2009):
He hasn't changed at all. Do not consider going out with him ever again and stop contact. Instead, ask yourself why you like someone who abuses you.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Lets say that abusers can change. Fine he might have changed.But a more important question is this:Once a victim, always a victim?"then he will play the same game- nice and sweet at first for a while, just long enough to suck me in""He hasnt shown any signs of being changed- just his words."So close... you have come so close to having changed... and then you fail:"Having said that, he hasnt been treating me badly either though."Of course he hasn't. This is part one of the same old game. You know the game, so why don't you regonize it completly?Yes, it is possible he has changed, people can change. People can also win the lottery, but count on it happening to you.The real problem is that people, if they want to change, they got to change their routine. His routine has been to be nice to you, then get abusive. So how has he changed? He is being nice to you, again. Just like before.Sadly, people who abuse often only change for other people. their victims remain behind because in a way, they are part of the problem. No abuse without a willing victim. The fact that he has gone right back to his old victim, tells me he hasn't changed.
...............................
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (17 October 2009):
"He says he loves me- something he never told me when we were in a relationship"WOW, your definition of a relationship is odd... if you were in one, he should has said this... what you were in was a hostage situation.Abusers do not change w/o some serious long term work. If he can't take you to a theropist who he's been working with STAY AWAY! He's simply changed his tatics and story. This is NOT the kind of change you need. The kind of change you need is phone #, address and email- do NOT run back into this abusers arms.
...............................
A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (17 October 2009):
The real question is why are you attracted to an abuser? You need to know the answer to that or you may end up making the same mistake with a different asshole. Were you abused as a child by a fahter or prominent male figure? This may have set you up to be attracted to abusive male figures. If that's the case, you need to be extra cautious and completely unforgiving of abuse. You won't be able to help being attractive to abusive guys. But you, the conscious person I'm talking to, can make a decision to not accept any abuse and kick them out at the first sign of it. You need to make that commitment, and make it stick. To answer your question specifically. This guy is an abusive asshole and has trouble finding pidgeons willing to tolerate his abuse. So he wants his toy back. He'll say anything to get you back. I'd advise you not to fall for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (17 October 2009):
 No, there is no chance. Abusers don't change after a little bit of being alone, they only change their tactics.
You already know in your heart that he hasn't changed. Please trust your gut and know that he is only being nice to suck you in again. Cut off contact with him and focus on healing yourself. Something better is right around the corner.
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (17 October 2009):
 I agree with Old Guy
actions not words...and just like a leopard cant change spots, cheaters and abusers cant change either.
Its impossible.
Please make sure you stay away...Abusers are like terrorists. They lie in wait until you guard is down(i.e. you give them a reason in their mind to piss them off) and then its right back to it.
Please dont look back.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Your instinct is probably right -- he's attracted to you again because you've recovered from the abuse and are once more the person he was initially attracted to.
No, there is no chance he's changed. Be glad you came to your senses and got yourself away from him. Stay away from him.
...............................
|
