A
male
age
51-59,
*ldnconfused
writes:Okay the background. I've been married to my wife for 8 years, we've been together for 10. We also work on the same floor at the same employer. Last few years have been rough- we seem to live in our own separate worlds.I'll admit- some of our arguements have not been friendly- my issues with her have been to "please" do something with me (workout, go camping, drumming, whatever.) She has refused. Her issues with me-I don't do things with her- don't really like to go watch Jr High football games on Friday nights etc.Anyway, I came home one night to find her chatting online with a coworker. She immediately covered it and wouldn't let me see it. This begins the long saga- I am a computer nerd, we have three kids and three computers in the house- the ones the kids get on have "logging" software on them. I started paying attention to her chat logs.They started out pretty tentative- just flirting and joking around. By the time I got fed up and confronted her- she was offering to show how these pills she was taking had made her breasts grow, and basically said she "wanted" him. I confronted her- she admitted to flirting with him and starting to get emotional about it- because she thought I was out looking for "someone new".I love my wife. I have not been the perfect husband, but to start this kind of stuff with a coworker- to me is just low. It may be understandable- we don't have a lot of friends outside of work, but still low.They are facebook friends. She has told him that her marriage is important and doesn't want to mess it up- they could only be friends.My question-is that fair to me? I can understand interaction with each other at work. But they still comment on each others facebook pages- my wife doesn't allow me to see her 'status' but like I said- I'm a computer geek- I can just about see everything she does. She has broken my trust, they never got physical supposedly- but to me- I have been at least emotionally cheated on. She claims to have done nothing wrong. Am I stupid for wanting to figure out how to trust her again? Should I be ready to throw in the towel and give up on the marriage? I'm confused on what I should think.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): I carefully read your post and I clearly see an extreme lack of communication and lack of compromise. I see arguments and no one wants to participate in the other extra curricular activities.
Now first of all, your wife is dead wrong for communicating with a co-worker on a not so professional basis. She should have taken the time to communicate and flirt with you like that. If she had the time to do this on facebook, clearly she should have devoted that time to you.
Now if you want your wife to participate in your activities, you have to be willing to compromise and participate in her activities as well. Marriage is give and take. If you want her to partake, you must give in to some of her activities. Even if that is watching those Lifetime movies that I'm quite sure that you hate. ( I hate them myself. lol). She has to in turn, do the same.
I really think that you all should have a date night and have this conversation on a totally different level. You'll be surprised at how the conversation can flow under the right circumstances. This may lead to your marriage getting back on track. I hope that this helps. Best of luck
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Further to my previous answer I think what you and your wife need is a common interest.You need to do something together every week and a very good 'something' is dancing!!'Oh NO' I hear you cry!! Dancing is a big thing in Great Britain, ballroom and sequence,line dancing,french jive,sala etc.All men say they can't do it but it's amazing how many become very good at it and really enjoy it.Men are particularly good at Line Dancing.Contact local dance studios and find out about private or group lessons.It will eventually introduce you to a whole new social life together,it gives you something to get dressed up for and go out to every week,you will make new friends,it will keep you fit and you will begin to wish you'd done it years ago like everybody else I know!More importantly it will bond you and your wife together and will keep her happy and isn't that what you want?Forget about beating yourself up by reading your wifes emails and think positive.You're in the driving seat, it's up to you.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (17 October 2009):
 It sounds like you two have not been communicating well and have drawn apart from each other. Have you considered reconnecting, trying to talk to each other, and doing things together despite the fact that one of you doesn't like them? Is being at a junior high football game that bad? You'd get to spend some time with your wife after all!
Your wife is clearly looking for some affection and romance. As the husband, you are the 1st line of defense but since you admittedly spend no time together she has started looking outside the marriage. Give her a reason to look inside it again. Take the initiative and surprise her with some nice trips. Make it less about things you like and more about her. You will be pleasantly surprised.
As for building trust, again you should take the initiative. Stop checking her chat logs and make the choice (yes, it is a choice) to believe what she tells you.
You have a chance here to rebuild your marriage and I suggest that you use it to the fullest.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (17 October 2009):
So far your wife appears to have done nothing more than flirt.She is looking for a bit of excitement because she feels her life has become dull.It would seem to me that she is feeling unimportant and unwanted by you.When we women were young we had the boys look at us,flirt with us,ask us out etc and it was all very exciting.Then we get married and 'boom' it all becomes boring and we get taken for granted.Make some time for her, take her out, make her feel special again,tell her you want to take her (and not the children)to somewhere you know she likes. Give her the chance to get all dressed up, ie: do what you did when you first met her and make a fuss of her.... and try to maintain this. Hurtful though it be, try to turn a blind eye to the online flirting and concentrate on getting your wife back to being the girl she was when you first met.If you make life a bit more exciting for her she'll soon begin to realise the other man can offer nothing more than type written words.
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Hmm... it sounds like you have been on opposite sides of the same road for a long time.You acknowledge that you are not perfect (no-one is) but that shouldn't stop you from doing what you want together. It sounds very much like your children have taken first place with you both and due to this you have lost who you two really are and ultimately why you got together in the first place.Ok, so you're wife is making the wrong noises - but that's all it is at the moment. She realises there is a line, she says she has not or will not cross it. Period, end off. You must believe that if you are to move on.So - what for the future. You need to spend time away with her for a few days, you need to flatter her, buy her a Gift. What I'm saying is, go back to basics, your marriage sounds like it is at the turning point I think we all get to where your kids are independant and you both have re-surfaced not knowing each other. You need to re-kindle the flame... it's hard for sure, but it can be very interesting and fun for you both if you try.I really wish you all the luck in the world - you both sound loving and caring to me (if a little lost) but in time it can be as strong if not stronger than it ever was.(Man Hug!) Steve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): OK, you have issues in your marriage. You haven't been the perfect husband. You acknowledge that, so you must know what you have to do to change. And likewise with her.
You have three young children. Surely you know they need and deserve a happy household.
Talk! You both need to talk. You got married for a reason. Forget what's happened since, get connected again and work out your issues. Your children need you to do that. Show your wife this post, use it as a start for reconnecting.
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