A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:"I was supposed to tell you last time, that I have something of a girlfriend. She likes to throw fits and, since she's a pretty jealous and paranoid creature, demanded that I make it clear to you that, yes, I am somewhat taken." "I guess she thinks you're some kind of a threat due to our common history."We've been having a lot of problems. Yes Ive been nagging him to tell her about me. I think thats fair no?But now I am more hurt in the way he worded his message to her.We're not talking, he's ignoring me. We fight, we fight, Im tired of it. he's tired of it.Its like he doesnt see anything wrong with what he said, Am I overreacting though?He also told me it was awkward for him to do it because I forced him to, he has no feelings for her, I believe that, but I feel that he no longer wants to try.yesterday he said to me if you walk out, I dont care, Im tired of this.I dont know what to do anymore. It just keeps getting worse and worse.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 He's not your boyfriend. He considers what you and him have a "thing with a jealous and paranoid creature", he doesn't respect you, he talks you down in front of his ex, or fails to mention you whatsoever.
His wording says it all. He doesn't care for you at all. Dump him and find someone more honorable.
A
female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I know hun this will be difficult - you have feelings for him and do not want to be alone.
BUT, what he wrote says it all - he really isn't legitimizing this relationship. He's 'somewhat' taken just means he's still looking around, is not fully invested in the relationship and doesn't see you as 'the one'.
I'd get to it before he does and break up. Why continue in this cycle when there really are lots of men out there who would LOVE to be in a relationship with you?
You have to work on your confidence. You have to believe that you deserve better. You have to know that better is just around the corner. By staying with him your just prolonging the hurt and preventing yourself from meeting someone wonderful.
Hugs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Ohhhh, how awful! I can't believe he wrote that!
First of all, you are not being paranoid or jealous. Most women and some guys would be worried by a situation where their partner was still hanging out with an ex, still more so if that ex hadn't been told about their existence! Of COURSE you're going to see her as a threat - it's only natural that you do! He should be working to assuage a very reasonable anxiety on your part by doing everything in his power to stress that the relationship is OVER, not refusing to deal with the situation!
The way your boyfriend has worded the email is deeply hurtful and I am not surprised that you are upset. 'Something of a girlfriend'? 'Somewhat taken'? That's hardly a big vote of confidence in your relationship! I'm sorry to say it sounds to me as though he's unwilling to commit publicly, and possibly still trying to keep a door open to the possibility of them getting back together. And to criticize you so publicly to an ex as jealous and paranoid is totally unacceptable. It would be fundamentally disrespectful to tell anyone that (except perhaps a counsellor) but to say it to an ex is pretty unforgivable.
Your boyfriend isn't really behaving with the courage of his convictions here, and I suspect he isn't being open and honest either. He should have told his ex this information of his own volition and as a matter of course at the start of your relationship. As soon as you were properly together, and as soon as you voiced discomfort about being the 'secret' girlfriend, he should have moved to quiet your fears by doing the right thing and acknowledging your existence. Hell, he should WANT to shout about being your boyfriend from the rooftops, shouldn't he?
You shouldn't have to nag about this. I can understand your boyfriend fearing the reaction of his ex if there are still some feelings there. I can understand that it might be an awkward and difficult conversation to have with someone. But it wasn't kind either to you or sensitive to her feelings to express it in this way.
I think you need to sit him down and explain very calmly why your feelings are hurt, and ask him why he's not willing to acknowledge your existence publicly to his ex. You need to know what is motivating this behaviour, because it definitely isn't healthy or normal. It may be that he's the type of guy who finds it very difficult to talk about relationships with other people, or that he's feeling scared of hurting his ex's feelings, and has taken a terrible way of explaining that.
However, there may also be more sinister explanations - is he truly over his ex? Is he embarrassed by the relationship in some way? Telling you that he didn't care if you left is a big red flag. It sounds to me like he's a bit emotionally immature and prone to raging like an immature kid being forced to tidy his bedroom when asked to step up to the plate and deal with his adult responsibilities. If he doesn't respond well when you sit down and try to talk with him, you might want to think carefully about whether you really need this lack of commitment and this drama in your life.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I have ex issues myself so I really can empathize with what you're going through, and how hurtful and painful it is to deal with. I hope that when you sit down with your boyfriend he wakes up and sees how lucky he is to have you, because you really don't deserve to be taken for granted like this.
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A
female
reader, cocola05 +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Yes, you must let him go. You don't need someone like that in your life. If he doesn't consider you to be his girlfriend and if he can't tell other female friends that he has a girlfriend, there is something way wrong with the relationship. He isn't taking you, nor the relationship seriously... Just walk away. He'll realize what he missed out on sooner or later!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 June 2010):
Two words. - DUMP HIM. When a man takes the side of his ex, you're in trouble. Get away from him and focus on yourself for a while.
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