A
female
age
36-40,
*inkerbell**
writes:Hi everyone i'm just looking for your advice on what to do about my relationship. I have been going with a guy for just over 2 years now. He says he is suffering from depression and he does take anti depressants - he is 30 and lives with his mum. In the past he has been violent with me on a few occasions, he also regularly makes horrible remarks about my physical appearance and things about my family and stuff when we are having an argument. He was at the start of our relationship a REALLY lovely person and would have done anything for me and i think that is why im finding it hard to let go as i hope he will go back to bein that way. He is always really selfish although it seems when he feels like it he can be really thoughtful and kind. He really confuses me. I dont know what to do. I've tried my best to give him space to see what he wants to do about us but i only see him at the weekends anyway so i dont understand why he is in bad form with me??? He seems to me only to be in good form when everything is goin his way. He says he loves me and doesnt know what is wrong with him then he will say that i expect too much off him and that i moan at him for nothing!! Please help.Thank you
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female
reader, tinkerbell** +, writes (16 June 2010):
tinkerbell** is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone i guess i know deep down that i have to break up with this guy and he will never be the same lovely guy tht i met. Thanks for your help and support xo
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I had a hard time just getting passed the "he is 30 and lives with his mum." part, but the next sentence clinched it. Certifiably a grade A loser. Throw this one back into the pond and keep fishing, you can do much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I have to agree with the last answer. You are hoping that the guy you knew in the honeymoon period of your relationship will come back, but the boyfriend you have now is probably who this man really is. Two years is long enough to see someone's true personality and he sounds abusive, immature and self-centered.
He might say nice things to keep you around or after you argue and he may well mean what he says and have some good qualities. But if most of the time he doesn't listen to your concerns and acts in a way that is making your relationship and your life worse rather than better then that's what you need to focus on. You love him but would you like to live the rest of your life with him as he is now? Violence and insults are never ok and depression can be very difficult, but it is not an excuse for abusing you.
You can't change him and he doesn't have a reason to change while you are still there, which is why asking someone to fix their problems rarely works. It doesn't sound like you want to break up but would say to him that you need a break at least. If you have some more space away from this guy you'll probably see that you deserve better. If he decides to work out his issues so as not to lose you then great. If not then you'll be free to live your life and date a guy who treats you with love and respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): i think you guys need to take a break, at least. you cannot change a person back, trust me. it would even be difficult for him to try and change himself.
i think he needs time to sort things out and get whats going on with him and you have the right to look elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Please don't take offence but this guy is a grade A loser. You're with him in the hopes that the nice guy he was able to be for the first few months of the relationship will return and everything will be rosey. That's never going to happen.
We all put across our best side at the beginning of any relationship, that's just how we are, it is only when the chase is over do you really see who a person is, when they are comfortable enough to show their true self.
You have to leave this guy, all those bad things he does are part of him and you can't change that.
Have a read through this and give it some thought http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Personally my advice to you is to begin preparations to leave him. Remember people can say anything they want but it is their actions that define them, all their actions, do not ignore his bad side just because you hold hope that's not really him. It is him, the real him.
I don't know how many times I've listened to friends excuse bad behaviour and abuse from their partners because their sweet side is so nice and when they are that sweet everything they say makes sense and it's not their fault etc. but it is. It's called the mean/sweet cycle and the sweet cycle just feels so good, that people are willing to go through hell just to have that again for a little while.
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