A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Two weeks ago I went out with my friend and the night before, she had met this guy. He asked her to hang out so he came later on in the night. I ended up hooking up with him, and felt really bad. But I really did like him.. which is the first problem here: Im sure he could not care less about me, it was just an intoxicated hookup to him. I presume this, I mean. His band is playing a show on Thursday. I know this because I looked them up. I specifically asked my friend to hang out during the day and told her I was staying over with my sister in the city (my friend lives in the city too) with the scheming intention of her asking me to go to the concert with her. Lo and behold, she did. I acted like I didnt know who they were, but said yes. She said for me to bring my sister too, since I was hanging out with her anyway. Our two other friends are also hanging out in the city, but may not want to come. If they did, that would be the best situation. But if its just me, my friend and maybe her friends (that I dont know) and my sister, its going to be an awkward time.Is this a disaster waiting to happen? Firstly, I wont know how to act when I see him. Im pretty embarrassed about what happened. He also may like my friend, Im not sure. Im just wondering if I should really go at all. I feel like I'd really regret either decision. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Yes. It is a disaster waiting to happen.
There is an additional obstacle keeping you from landing this guy in a more permanent (less drunken and random) way. Not only did you make it too easy for him, but he is also aware that you were willing to disregard your friend's feelings, which indicates immaturity and suggests moral disregard. If you end up at the show and act all cosy with a friend you betrayed, he'll see right through your intentions and won’t be impressed by your lack of remorse.
He doesn't know about your generous heart, great talents or any other great quality you may possess and likely will never take the time to notice. At this point, you can still say it was a mistake, that you feel remorse and try to set things right, but by manipulating the scenario so you can be invited to see him again you appear manipulative and dishonourable.
This is not demonstrative of girlfriend material.
You called the girl a "friend". What is a friend to you? How close is this friend to you? Does her friendship hold any value? If you knew this guy she was interested in had “hooked up” with another of her friends, what would you feel morally obligated to do?
If I were her, I would hate to know I was hooking up with a guy who expressed an interest in me and then slept with my friend. That is not ideal boyfriend material, either. How much thought have you put into her feelings? What if she finds out?
I suggest you spend some time thinking about confessing and asking for her forgiveness so she can avoid a disaster as well. While you are at it, I suggest you reflect on this; this boy has written you off as “been there, done that” and is pursuing your friend (presuming he invited her to see his band). Don’t you deserve better, yourself?
The above may sound harsh and I hope you understand I do not judge you. We ALL make mistakes and there is no shame in that. Life is not about never making mistakes or poor decisions. Honour is earned and character is forged by what we choose to learn from them.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): (Im the original poster)
You do have a pretty good point, it was pretty selfish of me, I get that. I dont think she likes him though, we talked about this and I apologized twice and she said it was no big deal at all. Oh, and he knew he was hanging out with all of us, not just her.
And he actually isnt a player at all, if anything my friend is - she's been with other guys since then. Its sort of a weird free for all, I dont know.
Yeah, maybe this isnt a good idea.
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A
female
reader, justagurl +, writes (16 June 2010):
I don't think you should go. If your friend found out what happened she would probably be upset, and is this random hook-up guy worth making your friend upset? And why are you trying so hard to be around this guy? He might be cool but no offense he probably doesn't respect you very much if he randomly hooked up with you, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did but in a guy's mind you made it too easy for him so he has no real reason to want you, guys like something they have to work for, it's just their nature. I say just avoid the drama and let him come to you if anything, this way you don't hurt your friend and you don't come off as desperate. You'll also avoid any further strange awkward drunk sex emotional attachment.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Ok, I am only going to try and make you think about this from your friend's point of view.
"Two weeks ago I went out with my friend and the night before, she had met this guy. He asked her to hang out so he came later on in the night. I ended up hooking up with him, and felt really bad. But I really did like him."
As I see it:
1. Your friend had met this guy.
2. He asked HER to hang out.
3. You ended up hooking up with him.
4. You felt really bad, but you really like him.
So, from an outsider viewpoint, it looks like you pinched the guy your friend liked, without a hint of remorse.
Now you are engineering a meeting between you and him - again without any kind of feeling for how your friend my feel. I assume she still likes him too?
This guy sounds like a player - willing to sleep with whatever is offered, and your friend sounds like she is well out of it. She is far too good for him and can do much better.
I think you need to consider your actions and if they are appropriate to the situation. You also need to consider how much you like your friend because I think she would be very hurt by your actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Let that be a lesson to you, and don't do that again. You blew it (no pun intended). Guys do not like whores, except for a bang or two. He will not see you as "datable material" (...but maybe as a back- burner or stand-by "sure-thing" bang...). He will not introduce you to his Mama. If a girl I met gave me her phone number, I would call for a date and maybe a relationship would develop... On the other hand, if a girl spreads her legs easier than peanut butter, this is not someone I wanted to date or invest time. My guy friends felt the same way. Some things you can't take back. Again, learn your lesson.
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