A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay female,retrying online dating.On average how many weeks should yu message someone online before suggesting meeting? I have met people before online but the site I'm on now is different. We were matched 3.5 weeks ago and have been writing messages every 2 days, for 2 weeks..I havent seen a photo of her due to her her job(privacy ) she has seen one of me.she seems ok, we are different but may have a few things in common, she seens to ask a lot of questions, she has never tried online dating.. Iask questions too but.. I am afraid that endless messages will mean we have nothing to talk about if we do meet! I have dropped a few hints that a certain topic is a long story or that I have met others face to face for coffee.. but she has given no indication she hot the hint!wondering how long til I suggest a coffee meeting,the only way to see if we get along! or dont a non date, public place..dont want to appear needy or creepy.. why does she not suggest it? or take my hint?need advice! please, feel stuck!thanksagain Im a gay woman so dont be nasty, please.. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2016): this is poster.
Thnks for replies, yesterday I asked if she'd like to meet for coffee and that I'd like to see a photo, to be fair as she's seen me and I value honesty, I havent heard back yet, I was very direct, polite but direct, she may not like that, we'll see if she replies or is offended, I have tried online dating many times before with little success, I am aware of the players and dishonesty that happens, I guess if she blocks me or is rude or says no she's a player too! or maybe super scared..
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 February 2016):
 Oh, I must warn you, in response to CindyCares advice about her maybe wanting to take things slow: Some people just use this line in order to keep stringing you along. Saying they want to take things slow, yet want to have sex for example... That's not taking things slow. So watch out for what she actually wants. Some say "taking it slow", but they actually mean "I want your attention and sex and all benefits of a relationship, but no commitment". And some want to "test drive" the relationship before entering a relationship. Watch out for those. Internet dating is NOT different from regular dating. You meet online and then you meet in person SHORTLY after a few messages has been sent out. Online dating is NOT pen-pals. It's dating as per usual, only you find your date online. You don't have online dates... See the point? Right now you're just online chatting and online communication, which isn't the point at all. The point is to meet up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 February 2016):
I wouldn't wait several weeks at all. Unless there is a real reason for why you can't meet right away, messaging for weeks is a waste of time and energy. You don't get to know someone through messages. You NEED to meet in order to get to know one another.
When I was online dating we'd just send a few messages back and forth, depending on their activity online it could go on for a couple of days to maybe a week maximum, before one or the other suggested to meet. If no suggestion to meet was made, then it's clear to me that neither party is interested and are only writing because they like the attention.
If you like her and want to meet her then you NEED to say so! I mean, why should it be her job to ask you out? You're equals, either one can ask. She's probably sitting on the other side here wondering if you're interested or not, since you haven't asked to meet her yet. Although, I must say, if you dropped an obvious hint it's odd that she didn't follow up on it, but still. A hint is a HINT, not a direct question. Dropping hints is cowardly, like saying it without saying it, and you might come off as insincere if you can't be honest and forward about your intentions.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 I would recommend setting up a skype call with her, a video chat just so you can be sure she is who she says she is. Internet dating can be very successful but it can also be full of creeps. You just never know who you are talking to when you are typing to each other, and even more so when she won't share a photo with you. Maybe she is shy, maybe she is self conscious about her looks, or maybe just maybe it is someone who is wasting your time male or female. Just be cautious. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (1 February 2016):
Some people don’t get hints. Some people are actually quite happy using sites as platforms to chat without feeling the need to meet. The point about online dating is that it can be very confusing and hard to read another person’s intentions. If you think you would like to meet, I recommend telling her that you think it would be good to meet and asking her for her opinion. If she seems keen, ask her if you could arrange something. Ask her a practical question, such as when might suit her, or how soon she would be happy to meet. If you don’t, she might say yes and the subject will get dropped. If she says no or isn’t keen to actually arrange something, that’s probably a good enough signal to you that you want different things. Go and find some-one else looking for similar.
On an unrelated point, Dear Cupid is a welcoming, non-judgemental community. We’re here to help, not be nasty to anyone.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 I would stop hinting, it's up there with mind reading. People just don't get it.
I'd say after 3-5 week of chatting online it's definitely OK to ask them out. Like Auntie Cindy said, you weren't looking for a pen-pal.
Ask her if she is comfortable meeting up for a coffee/lunch date. Make the first date short for many reasons, if you find you have nothing in common or you feel there is zero chemistry, she lied about her age or whatever odd thing that can happen. When you plan it to be short, it's possible to show up have a cup, chat and leave.
If you DO hit it off, then talk second date.
I agree that the first few dates should be in public, it's just a nice way of weeding out those who are just looking for sex, or not really interested in anything but a free meal.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 Why should we be nasty to gay women ???
I admit I do not qualify as an expert on internet dating, or , in fact, that my experience goes back a few years, and I have the vague sensation that some things have changed from then also re. Internet dating etiquette; any way personally I am for cutting it to the chase. After all you have exchanged a reasonable amount of messages and general infos already, and, I suppose, you are not looking for a pen pal but possibly for a relationship in real life.
I think it's quite legitimate and normal for you to ask ( openly ) to meet her in person. Something low key, not too " official " or intimidating, let's say coffe or lunch in a public place ( yes- first times, always in a public place. It's a matter of prudence ).
You ask why she did not take the initiative to suggest a meeting. Who knows, maybe she is a shy person, or she is not a go-getter, she waits for you to take the lead. Maybe she is not that confident about her looks ( yes, she had a good reason to not send you a pic, and yet... it could be not the only reason ). Or maybe she simply is one who takes everything slow ( which does not mean that you suggesting a meeting after 3 weeks of regular convos would be pushy or overeager; it's not. ) As for not taking your hints - some people are very bad at hints, they just don't do hints, you need to spell things out for them . Also because hints tend to get lost in written messages, without the help of voice and body language .
Anyway, you could suggest to meet up, something casual and short- and if she has valid objections to that, she'll tell you and at least you'll know why.
Oth, it may be alas a case of a timewaster that does not really want to meet people, they want to get attention, or to keep themselves busy, or leave their options open forever.... there are quite a few on dating sites.
But, I guess that if you don't ask you will not know and you will not be able to gauge how interested she really is.
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