A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend (he's 20 years older). A couple of years ago, we had a talk about our feelings. He told me that he was interested in me but couldn't be with me because he had a girlfriend. We stayed in touch (close friends but nothing more) until recently when he started acting like he wanted more from me ie. Being more flirty, inviting me out places. I was confused by this sudden change so I asked him and he told me that he had split up with his girlfriend weeks ago but they are staying friends because there are kids involved.Could anyone explain why he just started making a move on me without telling me he had split with her?He's told me that he doesn't want to flaunt me around right now because of us both having split up with people in the last year which I totally understand, but why not tell me he had split with her?I have Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder with Borderline Personality Disorder traits so I find it very hard to distinguish whether my insecurities are getting in the way or whether my gut feeling (feeling worried) is right. I'm worried that he didnt tell me because he thought I would try to tie him down into a relationship and that he wants to be seen as available to other women but still have a thing with me. I realise this may all seem like irrational thinking so please excuse this but I do find it hard to work things out in my head. Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): I don't think you're as naive as you're pretending to be. All of a sudden he dumps his girlfriend, but they're still friends because of kids?
All you see is what you want. Go for it! Whatever happens will be a good lesson for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): What a manipulative, selfish SCUMBAG this man is! He is preying on your youth! He thinks you will buy the BULLSHIT he's feeding you! But you aren't as stupid, vulnerable or gullible as he hopes you are!
Red flag no. 1. What man who has a girlfriend comes to you to tell you he is interested in you when he's already in a committed relationship? He was keeping his options open even while in a relationship. He probably had another sex toy on the side at that time but wanted to keep you on his roster for future sexual flings. This guy is always scouting for hook ups. Even in relationships, which he doesn't take too seriously at all. Want to be involved with an asshole like him who will then be telling the next new flavour of the month that he's interested in her and then when he breaks up with you (or keeps you) and then sleeps with her?
This man is not good for you. A romp in the hay with this old goat won't be worth it for you. This man and this situation will NOT be good for your mental health. Please take your mental health seriously. I assume he knows about your condition? And that's why I believe he's using that vulnerability to get what he wants from you. Glad you are trusting your instincts. They are bang on.
All you will be doing is boosting his ego and making him feel like a stud for bedding a woman 20 years younger. You don't want to fall in love with this man. He is a player and somebody who is insecure, narcisstic and who has not grown up. He appears emotionally immature and extremely selfish. He is only going to hurt you. And I suspect this ongoing friendship he's had with you was to groom you into having sex with him when he was ready for it. He doesn't truly care about you. He was only using you and will continue using you if you let him. You hold the cards, not him. In your best interests sweetie, you need to cut him off and go no contact. He is leading you down a slippery slope. But you're still in time to stop this. You see, I wasn't when it happened to me. Its the worst HELL I've ever gone through when I met a man just like him and I was a girl just like you. Older men are charming and very experienced. They know exactly what to say and do.
The fact he's trying to keep you secret is another big red flag. Consider the possibility that he hasn't split with his girlfriend and he's just unhappy or bored with her. Men LIE to get sex. All the time.
Also consider what everyone else here has said. You're kept a secret because he wants to have sex with several women. And he's not committed to you, or anyone else and it isn't his intention to be.
Also consider your physical health in addition to your mental health. Do you want STDs or STIs? This would be a big possibility when you've got a man whore on your hands.
You sound like a smart woman. Please be strong and get rid of this man. Some men will never grow up. Don't let him take you down with him. Think about your future. It will be a whole lot brighter without this SCUMBAG in it.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): Don't ignore your gut. This is shady as hell. He wants to hide the fact that he's seeing you, after years of keeping you as his back up option in his mind. He didn't like you enough to leave his partner for you, you're just there now that he's single.
Be careful with your heart. You already have difficulties that mean you're more vulnerable to someone using and abusing you and you'll be left feeling worthless. Find someone who wants to shout about how lucky they are to be with you. You are worthy of that kind of love and affection.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2019):
 Your gut feeling is right and it has nothing to do with your mental health problems.
Your thinking is far from irrational, in fact that would be the first logical thing that comes to mind to the average person. Otherwise, like you said, why not telling you honestly, hey, I am single again now, and since you are single too, and we like each other, do you want to give it a try ?...
Because, obviously, what he wants is not a relationship but a fling. On the downlow too.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (25 November 2019):
 Never ignore your gut feelings. If something feels wrong then it probably is. If you hear warning bells or see red flags do not assume you are wrong or being too cautious. This guy wants to play loose and free and yet keep you as a backup/romance of the moment.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 November 2019):
 You’re 100% correct, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Listen to your gut! You sound like a switched on individual.
If two people are happy with each other, even if they DONT want to get into a relationship, why would they actively be trying to keep someone hidden unless they were up to something dodgy?
My guess, he knows you like him and he wants to use you for sex whilst playing the field.
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