A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a man for the last 3 months that has never been in a relationship before. He's 27 and has dated but never committed. We met through mutual friends and had a bit of a rough start in some areas but he was always receptive to listening to me and we worked on our weak spots together.However, there is one big area that is really upsetting me that we've talked about multiple times. He has brought up on several occasions that I am not the physical description of the girl he always imagined himself with. He hasn't come out and directly said it, but I don't think I am physically fit enough for him. I am by no means overweight but he is very into fitness. I have had multiple hip surgeries over the last 2 years and it's made getting back into shape challenging.He's told me I have big thighs, called me thick, and has repeatedly talked about the gorgeous women on Instagram that he scrolls through. He has also made comments about enjoying watching girls in the gym on Instagram.I've told him he makes me feel very insecure when he says those things. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia in college and feel like I'm starting to have an unhealthy relationship with food again because of these thoughts in my head.He swears that he is happy with me and thinks I'm gorgeous... just not what he imagined. He makes me happy in other areas but I am finding myself more and more self conscious with him. He recently made the decision he wants to wait until marriage to have sex with me (we had been having sex prior to that) and I can't help but think it's because he's not physically attracted to me.I don't know what else to do. No matter how many times I've told him his comments make me feel quite badly about myself, he continues to make them. I don't want to just give the relationship up but I also don't know that I can be with someone who doesn't think I'm beautiful.
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acne, anorexic, insecure, overweight Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): The question was about his behaviour and the way he puts you down none of which has anything to to with how you looks
Maybe you has gained weight , maybe you havnt . Maybe you have gained weight and actually likes how you look and feel !!!!!
None of it gives him the right to put you down - fat thin or in between
Your man is not in your life to tell you how he thinks you should look and you are clearly strong enough to realise that you don’t need to accept it and run off and say ‘ oh h doesn’t like it because he’s just a man and that’s how they are wired ‘ you op are questioning his behaviour , which shows you are mentally mature , healthy and strong
Use those skills to ask him directly why he does what he does and if you are not satisfied with his answer perhaps it’s time to move on to a more mature and satisfying relationship
With someone who supports enjoys you as you are even if you undergo some changes at times in your life
Best wishes
A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (28 November 2019):
Have you gained weight? My husband made similar comments to me and they really hurt. I’m not obese but I’m not skinny either (5’2” 175 pounds) and he is constantly looking at skinny girls online which makes me feel very insecure about my size :/ I am very insecure about my tummy and I can tell he doesn’t like it... whenever we’re cuddling and he touches my chubby tummy area I feel very insecure about it :( Recently he has made comments about my belly and about my butt being big and not tight :( I was feeling so awful and so pissed at him BUT the truth is he was RIGHT because I have gained a lot of weight (30 pounds) which has changed my body a lot... of course he is going to notice that and of course it’s going to affect his sexual attraction. That’s just the way guys are wired. I am trying not to feel upset and to channel my feelings into working on my body... it’s not easy to lose weight but it’s the best thing not only to satisfy him but also so I can feel better about myself... so you should honestly look at your weight and if you’ve gained weight, try to lose it. BUT if you’re still the same weight now as you were when you started dating, then he’s just a jerk... WHY would he even start dating you if he doesn’t find you attractive?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 November 2019):
 If anyone, man or woman, makes you feel bad about yourself more than once, get rid of them. Accepting yourself is hard enough to do without a jerk making rude comments.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): If you grow a boil, you lance it; or take antibiotics to kill the infection and dry it up. If you buy shoes that are too tight, you return them for a better fit. If your car breaks down, and it is beyond repair; you ditch it for a new one.
If you get a boyfriend who makes you feel bad, you kick him to the curb. You ditch him for a new one.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 November 2019):
 Why would you stay in a relationship with someone that makes you feel bad about yourself? Think about that logically not emotionally. Isn't it silly? Our partners/mates are supposed to add to our life, share our joys not make us unhappy and doubt our self worth! Give him his marching papers and say see ya! Work on yourself, get counselling if you need to and embrace who you are darling. NEVER let anyone make you feel bad about yourself! People treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. Remember that always. *HUGS*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): Your boyfriend is a trash bag and you deserve better. You deserve someone who thinks you're gorgeous as you are and doesn't subtly make you feel insecure. he knows how you feel and yet he keeps doing it. So why do you keep letting him? Don't you think you're worth more than that? If not, then THAT is what you need to work on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): Seriously , I’m so tired of hearing these horrible men who seem to think it’s their god given right to critique women’s bodies and looks and treat women as if their only worth is their appearance
If this guy is so interested in someone who looks so different to you let him at it . Find someone who appreciates you 100 PERCENt for you above all others and values women for more than how they look
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 November 2019):
 Come on sister, grow a backbone and give this 27-going-on-17 year old his marching orders. You've only been together 3 months and seem to have spent most of that time "fixing" your relationship. Is this how you want to live? This is supposed to be the honeymoon period, when everyone is on their best behaviour. Instead you are trying desperately to mold this pig's ear into a silk purse. Trust me, IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.
I would just add that nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission.Stop giving this guy permission to make you feel bad about your body. If you still have leftover insecurities from when you had your eating disorders, perhaps it would be a good idea to get professional help to address those so that you don't take this baggage into future relationships.
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