A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:About 25 years ago, I was at a week long residential course. The second evening, I met this fabulous girl, and we really got on well. The next evening, our eyes met across a crowded room, and from then on we were basically inseparable for the rest of the week. We would just talk, sometimes until the early hours of the morning, and then we would go off to our separate beds, although probably realising that what we were doing was starting to become a bit, well, inappropriate, for the two of us who were both supposed to be in committed relationships with other people. Then, on the last night, the inevitable happened, and we slept together.The next day, we had to pull ourselves together, and prepare to go back to our homes, and partners, and children or stepchildren, hundreds of miles apart. When I got home, my partner could tell I was in a funny mood, and eventually asked me to tell her about the people I had met on the course. I told her about a few people, and last of all, about (let's call her) "Jane", omitting the most relevant details. But my partner isn't stupid, and she went "And she was the one you slept with, you bastard". So I admitted it, but, eventually, she forgave me, and two years later we got married, and we are still together. And, eventually, I mostly got over "Jane", but I have always regretted that there wasn't some way we could have stayed in touch, as friends.And then, the internet came along. And, mostly out of curiosity, I have, from time to time, tried to see what had happened to "Jane". It wasn't difficult, as she has an unusual surname, and of course, I know a lot about her. She has re-married (a few years ago), and has yet another unusual surname, although her internet footprint is not massive. And a couple of months ago, I noticed she had a Facebook account. And since then, that fact has been doing my head in. Contact her - or not? I'm not expecting anything to happen. Maybe I even don't want anything to happen. But I have this uncontrollable urge to say "Hello, I haven't forgotten you". Help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Thanks guys. I think in my heart I did know the right answer. I just needed somebody to take me in hand and say "Don't be so f***ing stupid". Once upon a time, "Jane" and I had something wonderful, if only briefly, and nothing can change that. But that was 25 years ago, and all the time I never stopped loving my wife even when I was with "Jane". (Yes, I know, I can hear the cries of protest). But I chose my wife. It wasn't circumstances. She wasn't my second choice. And I am still in love with her. I think "Jane" knows that too, because she took the same decision, even if she's since changed her husband. So, tantalisingly easy as the "Poke Jane!" button seems, I'm not going to press it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): What exactly is your motive? To say "Hi". What for? If there won't be anything else there is not point. I think you are kidding yourself about your motives. Then you would probably sleep with her and say you didn't mean it to happen. I think your wife forgiving you once means at the very least she has earned your loyalty. It must have been very hard for her last time and I don't think she would again. I wouldn't. I can understand this feeling but if you act on it, it will be your responsibility. If that woman wanted to contact you before she would have done.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Put yourself in your wife's shoes and reverse the situation. How would you feel about her contacting an old flame?
You don't seem to able to mask your feelings very well; my guess is that your wife will know something's up...
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (6 March 2008):
Although you only want to contact her to say hello, I still think it is veryyyyyyyyyyyy inappropiate to contact her, even if nothing happens. You cheated on your wife with her and your wife forgave you!!!! I think you are lucky she did..but then again maybe she shoudlnt so then you could of started a proper relationship with "jane". By talking to jane it will bring up old feelings and although nothing may happen, i dont think its worth it. If your wife finds out I think she will be very very hurt.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Hi
Grrrr the internet has a lot to answer for! lol
I wouldn't contact her, but thats an outsiders point of view! Easier said than done. You're dying to find out if she still thinks about you. Human nature!
But like i say, i certainly wouldnt open that particular can of worms. You have searched her, because things are stale these days in your life. And if she is remarried, she is probably really happy and wouldn't want to speak to you anyway.
Not everyone has unhappy marriages that they will risk.
Good luck. Hope you get your feelings sorted.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (6 March 2008):
I agree completely with Eve. Your wife has forgiven you for your infidelity, but if she finds out that you've made contact with this woman again - even just to say 'hello how are you' she will be devastated. I know I would be. She may think that you want the affair to start again, or that this other woman does, it would put a great strain on your relationship and your wife's trust and faith in you.
You are married and she is married, don't put yourself in temtations way.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Think carefully about this... if you said hello and she replied what would happen next? Would you be able to communicate with her just enough to exchange pleasantries or would you want to know more? You say "maybe I don't even want anything to happen" but then again... maybe you do? The lure is exciting for you but the consequenses could be devastating to you AND your family.
The facts at the end of the day are this. BOTH of you are married. If you contact this old flame are you prepared for the consequenses? You are playing with fire and opening up a whole can of worms and I think you know that! THINK CAREFULLY before deciding.
~Eve~
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