A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am in a bit of a dilemma. I moved to a new town a couple of months. It's a beautiful old romantic town. I came here to start working at this company. I moved across an ocean to get here. I didn't have any intention of dating anyone at work, at least at first.Then came the problem. Specifically, there came one shy quiet exotic and beautiful problem. Not good. I was floored when I met her. I knew she was single, everyone at work thought that. I thought we could make a really cool relationship. There was overwhelming chemistry, but I didn't say anything. I had just arrived, it could have been inappropriate, and I was too ignorant of the situation to act.Then she had decided to leave the job and the city. There was behavior leading up to that on her part that could only be construed as leading me on. Body language, tapping her foot against mine when we to eat, the general awkward sensation we both must have felt. She invited me to a party and had me bring a camera and her roommate snatched it and took photos of her all night and gave it back to me. I felt the same way and I felt I had to say something. So, a couple of nights before she left I wrote her and told how I felt. She responded by inviting me out with her friends the night she was leaving town.So, we hung out, but never discussed the email. I ended up getting a little drunk and wanting to leave early when the tequila came out at around 3am. She apologized to me for me leaving which was weird. I wrote her a couple of days later and apologized and told her I really liked her and that I thought there was really something there. It was a little intense. She didn't write back so I thought I would write something a little more mellow, so I wrote her just a casual email. She wrote back, telling me what was going on with looking for a new place, she would get back to me asap, etc.Here's my question: Last night I'm talking to a new friend and he offhandedly tells me this girl has a boyfriend! Nobody that she worked with for over a year knew this and I didn't know this. She has known for a long time (at least a month) that I liked her and well over a week when I explicitly told her how I felt. Is that messed up? I think so. Isn't there some kind of unspoken rule if you are pursuing someone and they're in a relationship, you say something? I want to call her out on this, maybe she assumed I knew, I don't what to do...
View related questions:
at work, drunk, has a boyfriend, roommate, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Let her know what you've been told and by whom and then ask her about it. Communication is the key.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 I think she should have said something. She should have told you what you could expect from her, which is nothing, out of respect for you. And she should have told you about her status out of respect for her boyfriend.
Flirting is a gray area. It can lead people on, because it can lead people to think that there's more than the eye meets. And, of course, it lends itself to wrong interpretations. I know most people won't agree with me, but I hate flirting when it doesn't have the clear purpose of exploring a relationship. Flirting just for the pleasure of flirting is wrong, because it can lead to problems. This site is full of such problems.
On the other hand, knowing that people flirt and then say they never meant what you thought they meant, I would advise you not to flirt, and not to accept flirting. Make very clear what you expect, and make the girl be very clear about what you can expect from her. You shouldn't have accepted a group date. I also think you shouldn't have accepted a group date. You wanted to discuss your feelings for her; she responded in an ambiguous manner. Maybe you thought she wanted to discuss the issue but was taking people with her so she could be more "subtle".
If you were in a relationship with someone, and a girl told you her feelings for her, would you ask her out on a group date? This is all you need to know that she did wrong.
Don't expect justice to be given to you. Behave in a manner that people won't be able to treat you unfairly. Learn from this experience.
On the other hand, Ask_oldersister has a point. Sometimes you read too much into a person's actions. So, that's all the more reason for you to give clear signals and demand them, too. And always interpret messages as narrowly as possible. For example, if a girl tells you she likes the way you look in tight jeans, take is as a simple compliment. If she's interested she'll want to be more explicit.
...............................
A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Why would you want to call her out on a rumor. The fact she flirted with you may mean she interested and confused. I say give it some time she knows how you feel and the fact she hasn't responded as you hoped she would doesn't mean she won't in the future. I would be careful not be too pushy or you may just push her away completely. I guess you could ask her if she is in another relationship but again you may push her away. I would simply ask her out for a date and see how she responds. You will find out soon enough how she feels. Why put place any unnessary tension in the relationship. Give her space and time and see where it all goes. Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): It sounds like you were reading wayyyyyyyy too much into her actions. She probably never intended to lead you on, and probably never had any feelings for you (which is why she ignored your emails). When you like someone, you will be analyzing their every move to see if they like you back. You misread her because you wanted her to like you so much but you were really just fooling yourself. Maybe the 'awkward sensation' was awkward because she didn't reciprocate, but she felt the tension because you liked her so much.
This sounds like a simple case of unrequited love, and you probably just misinterpreted her body language! Move on and find someone who actually likes you!
As far as telling people about relationships- she probably should of but probably didn't want to hurt your feelings because she could tell that you were falling for her hard. She probably figured she could just move away and leave you behind and never think of you again. I suggest you move on before you start to scare her. You're a bit obsessive. No one likes that...
Sorry but better luck next time
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Hi Hunny,
I think she should have said something, She was probably enjoying you attention. Hunny you should just now leave it for awhile and see what happens, She made you no promices as such so covered herself pretty well...There is an unspoken rule hunny well were Im concerned anyway.. Its a shame this has happened as you liked her so much..I hope you feel better soon sweetheart TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (14 March 2008):
Because it's an unspoken rule not everyone goes along with it - like the 'oh I thought you knew I was married' line. It just means that they knew they should have told you, but hoped that you wouldn't find out. Most people go along with this rule because they are honest people, and they care about hurting other people's feelings.
She sounds like a tease - she may have had no intention of going any further with you but enjoyed the attention and knowing that 'she could if she wanted to.' I would leave her well alone, she doesn't sound worth the hassle.
...............................
|
