A
male
age
41-50,
*oogie4
writes:Hi,I've been in a relationship with this woman (on and off) for almost 3 years. At first, the sex was ridiculous (we weren't official at first, just friends with benefits.) But now, since we've officially decided to be in a committed relationship, she has stopped doing "special things" to me.We never had a problem with sex before, but now she is telling me since we're official that "it's different" and she has a hard time wanting to "please me" that way.For the record, I know she has an online flirt thing with some co -worker where they text naughty things to each other. I confronted her, she said it was nothing.So, why after being together after so long a time would she now say she can't do certain things to or with me, but had no problem doing it in the past?Confused.
View related questions:
flirt, friend with benefits, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (15 November 2011):
I guess you either need to accept this new behaviour, or leave her - explaining your reasons.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2011):
 i personally HATE that folks will do things for partners to "close the deal" and then once they have them they switch up and don't continue.
It's like bait and switch .... and NOT fair...
...............................
A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (15 November 2011):
 well i have done the same thing to a guy, it is because i felt we had taken things too fast and i wanted to step back from sex and wait like we hadn;t done before
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 I think she was just fidelizing the client. Very common strategy. In fact, it's not even a strategy, I don't mean a strategy as an intentional ruse, it 's more of a defense mechanism. Like, if you want a person to stay around, and your relationship is just physical only, then all you've got to impress the guy and make him want to stay and / or to turn it into a real relationship, is your sexual skills and your capacity to give him pleasure. So, on with the fireworks and the special effects; nobody wants a vanilla sex FWB.
Now that she 's secure about the relationship, she can kick back and relax, and just do the sexual stuff that she's comfortable with ,.. that may be not particularly adventurous. I am not saying that she hated what she was doing before or felt disgusted , probably after a while she was getting into the mood too and enjoying it. But , she can easily do without this kind of stuff, and she will as much as she can, as long as is not necessary anymore to keep you hooked.
...............................
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 If I am into someone, I will try my best to please them.
If I love someone, I will do anything I can to keep them happy. Because that's my favourite thing, to know that I make my boyfriend smile each day and that he's happy and we both do everything we can for one another.
I think she just isn't into you anymore. I think you might have to talk to her and ask her what she wants from this relationship. Maybe you have to slow down for a little bit and stop putting in so much effort. Wait for her to start taking some initiative. If she doesn't at all, you know where her heart lies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 I doubt she LOVED doing ALL those things before (most of them, but not all) but she had to convince you she did or it wouldn't have worked, would it? You two would never have gotten this far if either of you had begrudgingly acquiesced in bed.
Part of her did enjoy it at the time. She got caught up in the newness of the relationship, how good it made you feel and how confident and attractive she felt being able to satisfy you.
Think of a new employee at a company. At the beginning they are prepared to go above and beyond to impress their superiors. Once they have established their value and secured their position they can barter themselves a better deal. They still want to do good work and be appreciated, but the novelty of fetching the boss coffee or running some of his or her personal errands wears off. They can afford to choose when and how they want to contribute.
Like the new employee, the girlfriend is thinking 'if I give him what he wants now, I will get what I want later'. This is not meant to be a cunning deception. She is sincere in her affection for you. It's just her way of getting her own needs met without scaring away those she wants to impress.
Women have been taught that men only care about sex so she will use that to bribe him into giving her what she wants later. Unfortunately he doesn't know this. How could he? He's not a mind reader. He ends up feeling duped and she sees this as confirmation that he only wanted her for sex.
This is not the case for all women, and possibly not for your's either, but it is the case for many. It's food for thought anyway.
It's not just a gender strategy either. Both men and women will put their best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship and go above and beyond for someone they're very attracted to and trying to impress.
I'm pretty tired right now so I may not be thinking clearly. If I come up with anything else, I will post again. Hopefully that will help you come up with some strategies.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): She sounds like she's a bit of a Web addict, especially as shes still flirting online. Some people get so used to the thrill of sexting, of strangers and new sex, they find it hard, if impossible to adjust to a normal relationship. I know people like this.
Sounds like this maybe should have stayed as a fling, she cant just change her feelings/attitude because your now in a relationship.The thrill was in illicit sex and passionate meetings then and now your both seeing the whole picture,is it what you want?
...............................
A
male
reader, boogie4 +, writes (15 November 2011):
boogie4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Ciar,
I think you bring up a very valid point! However, she LOVED doing it before...that's what I don't understand!
We weren't "exclusive" before, which made it easier for her to "wild out"-if you will. She did admit that before was "a different time." But, and maybe it's me...wouldn't you WANT to please your s/o? Why a sudden change AFTER we had agreed to be steady? You'd think the "favors" would be a natural, normal, expected thing. I mean, honestly, I have no problem turning her on that way. I like making her hot. But now its like she's lazy, or maybe thinking or imagining someone else. I'm not sure.
As a female in your opinion...is it a psychological thing? Like, maybe since we're steady...it's no longer "hot?"
Thanks for your advice..it was very much appreciated!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (15 November 2011):
Actually she DID have a problem doing some of those 'special' things before, but she wasn't secure enough with you then so she forced herself to perform them. Now that you're official she's hoping you'll appreciate her for other things besides what she can do for you in bed.
...............................
A
male
reader, boogie4 +, writes (15 November 2011):
boogie4 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@strongFP-Thanks for this advice first off!
And yes I think you're right...it may be I'm trying too hard to make this one work. I did communicate this with her, and she says she's working on it because this is her first real relationship in a few years. I guess I can give her that...for now lol.
I think once the "casual, crazy thing" ended and it evolved, she became less infatuated with the situation. Most people do crave what they can't have, this is becoming that type of scenario. I go all out, but now I have to beg for things, where back in the day, there was no question.
StrongFP you raise some good questions for me to ponder on. Thanks!
...............................
|
