A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem that I think may be pretty common, so I would like to hear from people who have been through it, or are currently dealing with it. I have a partner who is great in every way. Independent, smart, good looking, shares a lot of the same interests as me, sensitive without going overboard, supportive during tough times, such as when I lost my job. You name it. There is one reality I don't want to face, though, and that is sexually we just aren't compatible. She is way more into me than I am her, and I feel horrible about it. I feel like I'm with the best woman that ever existed or will exist, yet for some reason there is no spark on my end. I know there is nothing wrong with my sex drive because I can get turned on thinking of other women. In the beginning, I thought this would change. I figured I just didn't know her well enough. This also isn't a case of thinking other women are more beautiful, either. In fact, women I fantasize about tend to be LESS attractive than her. That's what confuses me. WHY am I not into this beautiful woman sexually, yet I'm so into others? I would NOT cheat, by the way. I have stayed faithful, although I will admit it's not easy because I have such desire to be with someone I'm attracted to. It's driving me crazy. We've been together 5 years, because honestly I can't see myself in a meaningful relationship with anyone else. Anyone else I've felt interested in, it was purely a sexual thing. I don't think that's worth giving up what I have. What should I do? Is it possible to develop sexual attraction to someone? Do I have no choice but to end the relationship? I know she deserves to be with someone who feels the same about her.
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female
reader, abeautifulday  +, writes (26 July 2014):
Maybe it's time you 2 spiced up your sex life, throw in some role playing, watch some videos together, try different positions, maybe you are not into her because she is there for you every second. We always want what we can't have and we love the thrill of chase and the hunt. Other girls might seem more attractive because they are the forbidden fruit in a committed relationship. You have to find a way to bring some excitement into your relationship, maybe take some distance from each other, and redefine your relationship, start dating all over again, so you will maybe see her in a different light. Go on some exciting dates, travel together, try to conquer each other again.
A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 "I feel like I'm with the best woman that ever existed or will exist"
I have a feeling THIS is your problem. You view her as some goddess or perfect being, and you feel unworthy of her. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but that's the impression I get from reading your post. This is holding you back from being attracted to her, if you're constantly feeling like you don't deserve her.
The other things you said that stood out, and made me think this is true: "In fact, women I fantasize about tend to be LESS attractive than her", and "WHY am I not into this beautiful woman sexually, yet I'm so into others?"
Do you compare yourself to other women a lot? Do you find these other women more "equal" to you, either in looks or in some other way? If so, that's your answer. They turn you on because you wouldn't feel guilty being with them. You don't feel they are "above you", therefore you are worthy of them.
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A
female
reader, -BMBTL-  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 If you don't have any sexual connection, then you have already answered your own question.
You say "I know she deserves to be with someone who feels the same about her.", so maybe you will have to let that happen.
I think that is a fundamental part of a relationship, however, it cannot be 'made', it is just there and if you haven't got that then as I said, you are answering your question.
If you don't want to hurt her, you would think that you would leave it, but surely that IS hurting her if you are not sexually attracted to her..
Good luck!
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