A
female
age
30-35,
*uriousbrain
writes:My partner and I are completely and totally in love, and have an incredible relationship that for us is the perfect balance of fun, banter, respect, love and intimacy.We started off just having casual sex whilst on a work trip. We spent the entire week together on the trip (I had already handed my notice to quit). After the first few times I think we both realised this was something different- we're both not particularly emotional or in touch with our feelings, and separate sex and emotion completely. He was used to just casual one night stands or random shags, and I was used to friends-with-benefits. We quickly noticed that besides the sex, we could actually talk to one another and actually quite enjoyed each other's company. We were pretty much inseparable even after the trip and quickly fell in love. Because we had started off casually we had already been quite clear with one another about our sex lives and laughed about previous experiences etc. However, I feel this has come back to haunt me. We are now starting a family together and I am 11 weeks pregnant (he's overjoyed), but I have noticed his protectiveness/possessiveness has cranked up a notch. He started taking a greater interest in people commenting on Facebook pictures (even though I don't really do social networking), and asked questions about a particular male friend I had already introduced him to the idea of. This male friend is so not a threat to him. He acts like one of the girls although he is straight, and all his friends are female. He has slept with many of them, myself included, but it's more to relieve the distraction. We had slept together to get that out the way really, and then resume our friendship. I barely speak to him anymore, much less see him, although he does message fairly frequently. I find him a bit high maintenance so I don't always respond. After my partner noted he had commented on a Facebook photo, he asked a couple of questions about him and why we were still friends and I truthfully told him keeping in touch was more of a formality and never made from my end, I occasionally responded to him but most of the time left his messages as he is rather attention demanding. That night I then unlocked my phone to close all my apps off ready for bed, and noticed that my messaging app was open with a thread of messages with this friend opened. It had been scrolled up so the conversation had obviously been read. I wasn't even aware my partner knew my password, not that I need to hide anything but he's never needed to go on my phone. This was a couple of weeks ago now, and I haven't approached the subject but it is on my mind. I am not conscious of anything he would have read and I'm not even angry or worried about what he read as I am so confident that it's quite clear I have no interest in my friend. I feel I should say something just out of principle. I don't think it's okay to root through your partners phone, but I also do 100% understand that behaviour such as that comes from insecurity. I would hate to think that I have made him feel insecure about anything, and am more concerned that if have done something to make him feel suspicious or feel the need to check up. It could equally be that he is just feeling insecure right now and needed to check for himself, and have nothing to do with me.As I have left it and his behaviour is completely normal now (obviously satisfied that he didn't find anything suspect), is it too late to say something? Sorry for ridiculously long post I sort of get into the flow of writing, I can't help it!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I have nothing to hide and I hate when my husband picks up my phone and goes through it. I don't keep it password protected because that's a pain for me but if he did he would know my password.
I would do two things.
1. since this "friend" is high maintenance and you have minimal contact with him I would let the friendship slid now.. .trust me after the baby comes you won't have time for his BS anyway and his neediness will get old fast
2. I would ask my partner... "are WE ok" that is VERY different from "are YOU ok" and when he says "yeah we are fine why do you ask" you can bring up that you are concerned with the pregnancy that he's feeling left out or something along those lines to open it up and find out what's going on.
He may have just been wondering.. that's my hubby's issue.. he trusts me and is not spying.. he just gets curious.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): Maybe since it was a couple weeks ago and things are fine again let it go unless it happens again. If you think it's something that will keep bothering you then you should bring it up now. Maybe say something like "I just want you to know if you ever are worried about a certain friend just talk to me and let me know and then I can talk to you and show you proof that you don't need to worry" He'll probably ask where that's coming from since it's been a couple weeks and then you'll just have to explain you know he read your messages but your not mad so you weren't sure if you should say anything or not but decided to say something so you can come to me first so i can prove to you and show you there's nothing to worry about. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): I think that it is good he found what he needed, which was reassurance, and now he is ok again. I think we all go through stages of needing some reassurance, and the fact he got that, and calmed down, is a good thing.
I wouldn't snoop on my partners phone because it would make me feel nuts, but I think phones should be 'available' territory in a relationship, if one feels a 'need' to look.
If my partner looked through my phone I would be very sad that he felt a need to but give him permission to look, and offer any reassurance he needed...for a short time.
Your partners 'trust' has been restored and that is a good thing. I would let it go. If it ever comes up you can say that you know he looked on your phone, but that is ok, because if he felt a need to, you have nothing to hide, and hope he found the reassurance he needed. You could tell him it may you sad that he didn't trust you, and hope he does now.
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