A
female
age
30-35,
*eh2014
writes:I was dating a guy seriously for 2 months, we spent the 1st month together and he had leave so we decided to do long distance. I felt a 360 change is his character and I started stressing over because he was the one who wanted this and he used to be super sweet, he started having a lot communication and rarely sent me sweet things. I should have taken this w/more grace, but I was impulsive and I kept pestering him, I was so annoyed about being left in the dark all the time. Now he wants to be alone and said we could be not exclusive, but have the potential to date as he still really cares for me. As hard as it is to let that be, I can't force anything and don't plan to. He isn't gonna date anyone and I don't want to either, but I don't want to sit for months just to find out he doesn't want me. Thoughts? do we have potential to work out? I am not going to actively date cause I feel when my heart is w/one guy, I just can't see others.
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (20 July 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, everyone who posted is very much correct, its just hard (at the moment) to wrap my head around this situation. The thing that bothered me the most was the short romance (not gonna even call this a relationship) was intense at 1st and died about week after he left. I would rather date someone and have the dating not be so intense vs a spark then to fizzle. I will get through this as I have had a very intense relationship w/the 1st man that I loved and the hurt was even deeper and longer. I rarely miss my ex or think about him. I guess the positive thing is that I know I can love again, even when I may not even know the person yet or I am currently healing from a former partner. I know he won't contact me soon, but I have a gut feeling he will, be it a week, month etc and I just need to be able to have no emotion over it. I want a man who wants me in his life and doesn't find me intrusive.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 OP you have posted about this guy a few times now, and you are going to get hurt, you are holding on to something that is not there. He does not want to be with you, you are just some chick he dated for a few weeks, you really need to get over this.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (19 July 2016):
 I know you were just providing an example, but I also wanted to note: you may find these things again- a guy who melts away all your troubles-but know that this is likely a phenomenon of a honeymoon period anyway. A long term relationship will have ITS own potential stresses, so it's not realistic to maintain an expectation that someone else can do this for you, at least consistently.
I am empathetic. I went on a date, and where I usually feel nothing, or maybe vague interest, but there was one guy that I felt was the one, and I even bought three white dresses the weekend after I met him, and joked with my friends that it'd be for the wedding. But it was a one-way street. It is weird that a feeling of connection can be one-way, but it happens. It's not worth giving energy to someone who is actively pulling away and trying to find ways to be less committed to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 But he's not interested, OP. There's no real connection for him; it's a one-way thing here.
You're too attached too soon and I think you're probably a bit too dependent on him for stress-relief; you need to be able to handle life on your own, without a week of stress because of one thing (unless that's not common and it was a promotion or something).
You're pulling deadweight because you're not letting go when he's showing you he's not that invested in it.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 You felt a connection.. but obviously there wasn't one , since he started pulling away after only 30 days. So, was it a connection, or was it a projection on him of your hopes and dreams ?
That's why I am skeptical about love at first sight. I do not exclude it may exist- I am a romantic at heart - , but it is very rare because in practice it is " hormons at first sight " or " infatuation at first sight " or
" loneliness at first sight " etc.etc.
A bf is not a Xanax, should not be used to reduce anxiety. What you are basically saying is that you don't cope well with stress ( stress from work is a rather normal fact of life for most people and it should not take you a week to absorb it ) and what helps you is male attention and having someone who whispers " oh you poor little baby , let me rock you to sleep ". This is of course very pleasant, and I am not saying it's anything wrong per se - but maybe if you learn on your own to be a stronger, calmer person ( meditation ? counseling ? exercise ?... there are many ways ) you won't need anymore to have a bf as your " chill pill ", and you will be surely able to detect and assess your real compatibility as well as their sincerity and reliability , based on more than their facility with sweet words, and will be abler to judge if the connection is real or just wishful thinking.
...............................
A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (19 July 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis may sound very cheesy, but I felt a connection. I def don't fall for every guy I meet, he just seemed right for me, one day after stress at work, I went out w/him, by the time I was done I had no stress, this would have taken days or a week to stop stressing over. I have had guys all over me (that I didn't like at all) and I didn't even consider a 2nd date.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (18 July 2016):
So about 1/2 the time you were officially together, you weren't even compatible? Now, you want to double, triple, etc., that amount of time? Why? You have little here to begin with, and he's pulling away. I don't think it matters that he was the one who said he wanted it first. He's now the one who's pulling away and saying you two should date other people. It sounds like you may have manipulated him into locking him into saying but he still won't date another person, considering he asserted he wanted to see other people but apparently isn't, but I'm not sure what you get out of all this. I would not wait around for him. There's not a strong enough foundation here to think there's anything there that you're even waiting FOR. Consider the positive qualities you liked in this guy and look for them in someone more available/attainable.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 July 2016):
You've posted quite a bit about this guy and it's giving me the sense that you won't work out and should definitely date other people.
Long distance relationships are hard work and he's just not in it.
Also, try not to get attached so quickly; you're heart shouldn't only see one guy as a possibility after such a short time.
You're best bet is to start moving on, even if you don't date for a month or so.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 July 2016):
I don't think you should wait , what's in it for you in all this ?
You know yourself and you know that until hung up on this guy , you would not be dating anybody so you would not be taking advantage of your " non- exclusivity ".
As for him, he would not be dating anybody- says he. Then, though, if he is so sure he is not going to be dating anybody, why does he want to be free and non-exclusive ?... I guess he MAY mean it ... ( unless he is just telling you what you want to hear ) ...in the sense that he is not actively going out to seek left and right for a partner,- but surely if he happens to come in touch, IRL or on line, with someone who sounds interesting, he won't turn his back to the chance, since he is free, single and " non exclusive ".
Anyway, even if he really abstained from dating anybody- he would still not be dating YOU, right ? Which means, he is not terribly into you, and / or does not want / offer the kind of relationship you want.
You are just not aligned emotionally.
Why are you so hung up on a guy whom you just saw for a month and who did an immediate " out of sight out of mind " the moment he left ?
I am not going to say that he tricked you or played you on purpose, maybe that's not the case. But I think that everybody, consciously or not, always put our best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship. We want to impress, we want to please, we want to " get " the girl or boy. Then it's only time which says if the person will keep being more or less up to the initial standard, or if you basically can accept him / her for what he / she really is once their guard is down and little cracks start to show in the facade.
He did not stand the test of time, and the test of distance, and it is actually a very good thing that this happened so soon rather than later on when you might have been more attached.
Btw, I may be reading too much between the lines and be off the mark, but I find interesting that , basically, what you liked in this guy was that he was lavish with compliments and sweet things. You did not mention liking him because he is this and that, or being attracted to him because of such and such qualities....just that he was good at " positive reinforcement " ( A.k.a. known as " kissing ass" ? :)
That makes me suspect a bit that the big attraction is / was not he as a person, but as an ego stroker, and self esteem booster. I mean, had he been, I am not saying rude or icy - nobody likes that, I hope - but a bit dryer, less effusive, less all- over- you.... would you have liked him just the same ?.... No ? ... Then you like and miss the cuddles and the attention, not the boy.
...............................
|
