A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, Well my story starts here be been with my boyfriend now for 5 years and living together for 4. We always fight and I've changed so much for him and he's changed too. But the fight are constant sometimes about meager things. He says he's tired of my insecurity and jealously and my attitude(which on really comes out when he makes me upset) that if I want him to marry me I need to change first. I have come a very long way from who I used to be just for him but it seems like I keep messing it up all the time because my insecurities slip out. We both love each other very much but Sometimes I feel he is double standard and possessive but I have to except it because he feels he doing nothing wrong. Great example...he had to go out of town for work, he had a day off and went to the beach, ok no big deal but I call him and text and no reply, still no big deal. When we called me and I didn't get the call he made it seem as if I was ignoring his call and doing something wrong which of course I defended myself cause I felt accused and still end yo bring the person begging and crying cause he hung up and said he has good reason to be bad cause I didn't answer, but if I would have made a big deal about him not answering he would be so mad and say I'm being crazy so I'm so stuck between a hard place and a rock. I am not a perfect gf but I'm very loyal and faithful my only issues are insecurity and jealousy which I have been working very hard at to change. I feel like I'm always the one that ends up begging and crying even when I did nothing wrong. I don't know what to do I love him and want to be married to him but he makes me feel like I'm not worthy "yet" and that if I just change, our relationship would be great but I honestly feel that I'm doing great already and I'm not perfect. I just really need some advice what do I do should I give up should I try harder what do I do? Thanks for your advice everyone.
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female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (18 July 2016):
My gut from what I'm reading here, from your perspective and feelings, this relationship is toxic to you and unhealthy.
You may have insecurities, you may have jealousy, these may well influence the relationship I have no doubt. But this type of relationship that has developed as you describe - double standards, you always doing the apologising irrespective if you are to blame and even when its him who has the double standards that led to the upset. You reporting that you cry and beg...and the truly awful description of you feeling he projects that leaves you feeling you are unworthy at the moment and have to step it all up to prove your worth.
Now I don't know If this could be defined as an psychologically abusive relationship, I don't know enough about it to say, however the emotional response it provokes in you and the upset and consumption of your thoughts at that time until its resolved certainly has a feel from your view if I'm honest.
I feel this is affecting your self esteem and self worth, and your insecurities and jealousy will worsen in this type of relationship. It isn't up to a partner to make such things go away, but its certainly not their job to worsen it which appears to be happening here.
I would advise some therapy if you can here, to look at you and what happens to you when you are in relationships. To look at this one and weather it is healthy or good for you.
You are still so young, and you've been with him a large amount of time. If you were my daughter, I'd be very concerned that you were in such a relationship. If I'm honest, I would wager you could do a lot better than a man who leaves you feeling like this and makes your issues worse, and who leaves you feeling you aren't worthy. That's horrid.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2016): There is a double-standard and obvious manipulation going on here. You respond to things emotionally; and he treats you like a naughty little girl; and you won't get a cookie if you don't behave.
He may never marry you, and he can dangle that carrot over your head indefinitely; because you will never be the perfect girlfriend. Five years is a lot to invest in a relationship; so you're going to have to have a heart to heart with this guy, and find out where the relationship is really going.
Frequent fights indicates incompatibility. If you're the right match, you'd grow closer. Not apart. Just because a relationship is long-term; it doesn't mean it's working or that it will result in marriage. There could be some degree of codependency. It's better than breaking-up, and we normally do everything we can to keep it going. Even out of desperation.
You must have a serious talk to determine if he ever really intends to move to the next level; then make your own decision based on what he tells you. If he doesn't love you enough to make a more serious commitment; you have to be mature enough to realize there is nothing you can do to change that.
You have to move on and find someone who is more compatible with your personality. Changing yourself to suit him, shouldn't be a prerequisite to move to the next level in your relationship. Self-improvement should be a personal goal. You should always be a work in progress; but not spend your life trying to meet the expectations and fit the criteria that someone sets that may be totally unobtainable or unreasonable.
You must always grow and change. These changes must be consistent and compatible on both ends. You have to be mature enough to see and know the difference.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 July 2016):
You both have indeed come a long way but you both are not remotely close ready for marriage. You both might seem hellbent on getting your own way, where communication does not matter anymore. It is obvious that you both are not happy, and have lost sight of what is important. My advice would be to take a break from this relationship and learn to live on your own and learn to love yourself again. I'm sure this is easier said than done, but usually everything in life is like that anyway.
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