A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey all! I don't wanna sound shallow or anything, but I've recently been on a few dates with this guy. Nothing happened, but he is clearluy interested in me. I have a good time with him and all, but... I think he's really ugly and I don't feel any kind of physical attraction to him. Am I a super shallow b*tch? Or maybe things will change with time when I get to know him better? I don't know, I've never been in thins kind of situation before. Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, delightful84  +, writes (29 November 2011):
Looks are not everything. However,it could be the way they walk,the way they deal with people,a sense of humor,or anything else that attracts you. If there is nothing attracting you to this man then it wont work.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011):
"For people who say you are, I would suggest that they look for a stranger whom they find very physically unattractive (think of someone very overweight, or doesn't shower often or brush their teeth often), and start dating them and hope that the person's caring and generous personality somehow makes them become attracted."
I will counter with:
How would you feel if you gained a lot of weight and developed premature gray hair and your boyfriend dumped you as a result for a younger, thinner woman because: what's the point of dating someone he finds completely unattractive?"
Physical attractiveness is not really necessary AT ALL in a serious relationship. Only a shallow person would think that. That said: We are *all* shallow to some extent and the sooner you come to terms with that the better. I try to choose my partners for the way they are on the inside, not based on their measurements. Some pretty people are very ugly inside. However, I am flawed person, too.
The key point here is:
Do you just think he is ugly (physically), but you really enjoy his company and otherwise could see yourself with him? Or, are not attracted to him on any level? The latter is insurmountable.
In the Hunchback of Notre Dame Quasimodo presents Esmeralda with two vases:
"One morning, on awaking, she saw on her window two vases filled with flowers. One was a very beautiful and very brilliant but cracked vase of glass. It had allowed the water with which it had been filled to escape, and the flowers which it contained were withered. The other was an earthenware pot, coarse and common, but which had preserved all its water, and its flowers remained fresh and crimson."
Esmeralda chose the dead flowers (rejecting Quasimodo.)
What will you choose?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): You should stop dating him immediately. Dating without physical attraction is meaningless. OK some times you don't initially find someone all that physically attractive but as you develop a friendship with them, your connection then makes you become attracted to them and before you know it you're head over heels in love. That happens all the time. But it's unlikely to happen with someone you find COMPLETELY unattractive to begin with. That doesn't mean you are judging him as worthless , you're not being shallow. You can still have a mutually beneficial interpersonal relationship with him and appreciate his fine personality, this is called being FRIENDS. but dating is a special kind of relationship. It's way beyond friends. It's a potentially exclusive relationship that is meant to become sexual at some point. So what's the point of dating someone you find completely unattractive? It's not shallow. For people who say you are, I would suggest that they look for a stranger whom they find very physically unattractive (think of someone very overweight, or doesn't shower often or brush their teeth often), and start dating them and hope that the person's caring and generous personality somehow makes them become attracted.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Just how ugly?? If you're completely repulsed by the man and can't see yourself getting intimate with him, then it's best to stop dating the guy out of pity.
There has to be at least an inkling of physical attraction from Day 1. It's not going to grow over time..it's just not there for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): I am afraid I will somewhat disagree with the other answers given so far and say that physical attraction is not necessary in order to have a wonderful relationship. People can change their appearance to some extent. I've been with girls who wore massively padded bras, dyed their hair, and wore colored contacts and when I found out how they "really" look (through old pictures or whatnot) I could care less. They are still the same girl to me. I think it's a little sad they are that insecure, but that's another topic.Point is, your man could hit the gym and get really ripped or grow a beard or dress nicer or do something that will enhance his appearance. He won't grow a foot taller and he can't change his skin color, but there's a lot he can do.Also, as someone who has been married for many years I will say that looks change over time. Anyone who is basing a relationship primarily (or even significantly) on looks is bound to be disappointed in the end. Looks are useful in getting that first date and that's about it.However, you have already been on several dates with this guy. Therefore, he can't be that repulsive to you. Why would you come on here and bash someone you say you like in that way? How would you feel if he was posting the same thing about you right now, talking about how he likes you and all but he needs a girl with larger breasts or a different color hair?Yes, you are being very shallow. However, there is hope in that you recognize that. Ask yourself why you are dating this guy if you thinks he's unattractive. Do you need the attention? Are you insecure? I will say that when I first met my wife she wasn't the girl I had my sights on. In retrospect, I was a fool, because she was beautiful (34-24-32 and fit) but she is a little shorter than I prefer, her skin was bad at the time, and she wore her up all the time in a ridiculous and unattractive bun. However, we met a few times and eventually I grew attracted to her - not her appearance or her style. Her skin cleared up (it is flawless now), her figure is still great, and the bun is gone replaced with her flowing long hair. She's not any taller, but that's okay. I think she is lovely - far more lovely than I have a right to be married to - and to think I wasn't physically attracted to her at all on first meeting.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (28 November 2011):
If you dont find anything attractive about him,its not your fault. Nothing shallow about that. Let him go if he wants a relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): Agreed that what first holds ones interest of another is the physical appearance/attraction. This man may be kind, caring, considerate, willing to go the ends of the Earth for you but if you are not attracted to him and the thought of physical intimacy a turn off- let the guy go. So he can find someone to adore and love him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 November 2011):
There has to be a physical attraction for you to be able to feel anything for this man. If you're not attracted to him, then you'd better let him go so both of you can find someone else.
This can't work unless you are physically attracted to him, and nothing will change the fact that you think he's not.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (28 November 2011):
 I hope I dont sound mean in my answer, but if you aren't attracted to him like that, maybe you two are better off as friends?
I hate to admit it, but relationships do need some degree of physical attraction, or else it's little more than a friendship.
I think it's like natural selection or something, I saw something on a documentary where they mapped out this girls face and said certian features made her more attractive to men, but each person's preferences are slightly different from the next.
Hope that made sense, I felt like I kinda went off topic...
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