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female
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*ulip
writes: I didn’t know where to turn but here I found a website where I can voice my confusion. It is difficult to say, but my problem is beginning a relationship. I have been confused about my sexual orientation for a long time now, about six years. This along with other reasons has made me anxious about relationships, and I don’t know, the coward inside of me thought I should never enter a relationship so I wouldn’t be disappointed or hurt. This plan never seemed difficult to me as I haven't felt incomplete without a partner. I’m now starting university and all the girls in my house (12) have nothing else on their minds and my confusion is getting harder to disguise and probably harder to shy away from. I am, and have been scared of guys. I am naive in all possible ways and feel that I just couldn’t enter a relationship with one, I don’t know why but I just don’t find any aspect of their character compelling or attractive, and am turned off by their physical appearance. It’s true that I find girls attractive, but again I can not see myself as a lesbian and cannot find the courage to go seeking for this type of relationship. I feel torn and that I will forever be hiding away from this aspect of life. Can I ever change and do I want to climb out of the bubble I created? I don’t know, but I do know that I cant help feeling unnatural, in the respect that I have lesbian feelings and am unable to seek a relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Wow, I thought I was the only one. I'm kind of in the same situation as you, except that I sometimes feel attracted to men too (although they usually turn out to be gay...). I can especially relate to what you said about the girls in your hall/house having "nothing else on their minds and my confusion is getting harder to disguise and probably harder to shy away from." I always feel like they are looking at me funny and trying to figure me out, when I don't even know myself (which in turn makes me even more self-conscious/nervous/confused). The way I see it (again, since it's kind of similar to my situation) is that you are either gay (if you really are not attracted to men and/or find girls attractive) or if you do find men attractive, you could be straight/bi but really afraid of commitment. Or you could be gay AND afraid of commitment. Sorry this wasn't so helpful-I'm in the same boat here!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): I am actually very relieved to hear your situation. I have had a girlfriend, and I have now been dating men for two years. However, in all my relationships, eventually once the lust dissapears I have absaloutly no attraction to the person I am with. Its unusual however, because it is not a matter of falling in love, but a matter of not being attracted to anyone at all! I have sexual desires but eventually once the sex becomes more emotional I grow apart from the person. I used to think I was bisexual but now i realize I am attracted to no gender!! I have long time been looking for a term (like lesbian and bisexual) to describe my unusual sexuality.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): As someone with en effectively bi consciousness, I sometimes see others as "monos" or "polys" - something that goes down like a lead balloon with the gay crowd. (In my eyes, they're the same as straight people; they only go for one gender - poor things)
Tulip, don't label yourself, dear - just be yourself. If you're at university now, you have the greatest possible opportunity to experiment. I can give you a practical tip: at first, hunt outside your normal stomping ground. It's really awkward running into people you know when the circumstances are difficult to explain. Also, make friends who are obviously gay or bi and hang out with them. After a while, ask them to wing-man for you when you're out so you're not in any danger.
We're all just people, Tulip. Don't think of yourself as unusual or you will stand out by virtue of whatever it is that's concering you. Everyone's the same in some senses, and we're all different in others. Love the people you love and be honest with them. In the meantime, have a few laughs and enjoy being young! To be perfectly frank, if you haven't seen any guys or girls who make you want to pounce on them, maybe this is an issue you shouldn't really concern yourself with just yet. You'll know it when it hits you; it's quite something!
If it counts, I don't really see myself as a lesbian either. :) What a terribly restrictive way to view oneself...
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A
female
reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (15 October 2005):
I felt like that at one time. I was really afraid of guys, because of what they did and pressured me to do. I really liked girls and dated them quite alot, but my family were very shocked and suprised at my sexuality. I can remember every word that my aunt threatend me with. If she threatend me like that because I told her I was bisexual, then I never dared think how she would react to me being a lesbien. I then stopped telling everyone how I felt because it always got me in trouble.
I then started a relationship with a guy. I was really uncomfortable talking to him and being around him. I told him why I was ignoring him and how I felt, he said that he wouldn't go to fast or do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I still don't know, myself, if I am straight even though I have been dating girls for 3 years, but I know I'm not lesbien because I do have feelings for guys. At the end of the day, as long as you're happy, it doesn't matter what you choose.
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A
female
reader, GISELA +, writes (1 October 2005):
I think that it's important to feel good about yourself before you start feeling attracted to people. The happier you are with your life and yourself the better chances you have to find people who you feel attracted to and viceversa. Just express yourself without prejudices of what other people may say and you will feel more chemistry towards new people.
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